Saturday, May 08, 2010

I need friends. I'm so lonely.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Here's your sign

It happened again. Oh yes, it did!

Let me set the scene for you. So I’ve had a pain in my back for 10.5, and, no, it’s not my husband. I have a herniated disc, L5 S1. So I get epidurals (ouch is right!) every six months or so. Well today I went to my epidural and I haven’t seen this doctor since last year and the first thing he says is, “You’ve gained a few pounds.” WTF? Do I have a sign on me that reads, “Please call me fat”? Does it read “I already have poor body image, so let’s kick her while she’s down.” I mean come on people!! You’ve got to be kidding me with this! Twice in one week I’ve been reminded that I’ve gained weight.

Lunch - Grillers burger, sandwich thin, sweet potatoes (first time eating them) and a salad monster. Oh. Dried mangos.

This bowl is one of the pieces I did in residential treatment. It's to remind me that dreaming, loving, and hoping are things I can have if I just fight one meal/snack at a time.

I cried in Dietician’s office today. I never cry. Someone in the system has taken away the tears. But tonight I cried and it felt good. We talked about my body image and how I feel like I’ve gained weight. She weighed me and, miracle of miracles, my weight was the same. Then why do I feel so freakin’ fat?

Princess Graham Snacks. For the littles, of course. There was a time I would deny my littles the pleasure of a graham snack in the shape of tiaras and princess faces. Shame on me.

To be honest and paranoid I don't really trust the numbers she is working with. I don't trust her to tell me I've maintained when I've actually gained weight. I don't know that she would actually tell me the truth. I have these thoughts that I'll weigh myself in addition to her weighing me so that I can be assured she's not lying to me. My wise mind says she's not lying, but the ED voice is just a little louder and more persuasive.

I did have a soda monster tonight, but not a salad monster. It was all about the asparagus. Steamed then mixed with a little bit of spread and salted until my blood pressure went up. Included is a veggie patty sandwich, vegetable root chips, and a yogurt.

I went to A.N.A.D. (Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) tonight. The topic of the meeting was about feeling fat and having poor body image. Was this of divine arrangement because it was totally appropriate for what I'm dealing with? We talked about feeling fat or being obsessed with weight and what the feelings are underneath feeling fat. When did that feeling start? Do these fat feelings coincide with anything going on in therapy or some life event like being reminded twice in one week that you’re not as skinny as you were.

This has got to be the best oatmeal I've ever eaten. I don't know if it's because its organic, but it has something going on with it.

I used Agave syrup in my oatmeal because I heard great things about it. For example, because it's concentrated, you only need a little bit. In addition, it has a low glycemic index so it won't spike your blood sugar. Taste wise, I'll have to try it again. It didn't do anything for my oatmeal.

I’m questioning whether having a little more weight on me is beneficial at all. Physically I felt like sh*t when I was underweight, but I still felt great about myself because I was thin. I was proud of it. I felt safe and had better body image. Now I’m average weight and have no self-esteem and poor body image. It’s a dichotomy.

It’s this part of recovery that has tripped me up so many times. I get to this point of questioning whether recovery will really work for me. I have these constant thoughts about not being happy with my body image or feeling that I would rather restrict or how being super skinny is so much better. I want my thinking to align with my behavior. I want my body image to be great and to stick to my meal plan at the same time. Wishful. Thinking. Maybe it’ all or nothing thinking; if I don’t have the behaviors match the thoughts then I won’t allow myself to have either, the thoughts or behaviors.

I don’t know how to reconcile myself to this. I don’t know how to continually make myself go to meetings and see my treatment team and adhere to my meal plan when my hearts not in it. I'm doing it, but I don't want to hate myself for doing it.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

First off, I’m on Formspring now, so if you have anything you want to ask me, big or small, I’ll do my best to answer it. It's a great way to find out more about Missing In Sight.

I read this book to my littles tonight. I was impressed with what Bee said on my comments page about what she does for her littles, including her adolescent parts and it motivated me to do more for my littles. When I read this book for the first time it made me cry. It is such a sweet and nurturing book. I really felt comforted by it.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) I meet with Dietician. I’m terrified she will tell me I gained weight. I’m scared because I feel like I’ve gained weight and that will further increase my thoughts of being a failure. I'm struggling exceptionally with body image and I hate it. When will the struggle be over? Adhering to my meal plan right now is the only measure of success I have. It's the only thing I can track. It's easy to say, "Yes, I've followed my meal plan the last thirty days" but it's not so easy to say I've changed my view of myself for the past thirty day. I guess the behavior comes first and then the thoughts. Kind of like if you start smiling when you're depressed you might feel better. I know I haven't changed my thoughts and that has been making it worse because I am NOT at all happy that I'm being successful at my meal plan.

Speaking of meal plans, here's some of what's been on my plate lately:

This is a packet of instant organic oatmeal and flaxseed with soy milk. It taste almost like rice pudding or tapioca pudding. It's thick but fluffy and so yummy.

A blurry picture of a raisin oat bran muffin chopped up in Oikos honey yogurt, blackberries, and a spoonfull of Almond Butter. I died and went to heaven.

Here, I tangoed with a mango, and the mango won. It's my favorite fruit in the world.

I can measure my progress by how well I stayed with my meal plan. But even those accomplishments are not sitting right with me. I feel angry with myself for following the meal plan; for doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I remember feeling so empowered when I first started with my meal plan. I was confident that I could follow it and somehow learn to love my body.

Homemade vegetarian wrap, orange, and a salad monster. I am the queen of salads.

Fresh strawberries and cocoa almonds. Tastes just like a chocolate covered strawberry. And the company of a good mystery/thriller makes for an even better snack.

But a part of me is definitely rebelling. I hate my body; I hate my meal plan; I hate myself for following said meal plan. How can one be angry with doing what’s right? Well, one can and one does.

Not my favorite meal, and it did follow a food ritual: the foods must not touch and must be eaten in a specific order. Note to self: food rituals DON'T make the calories go away. Tofu, quinoa, asparagus, and an Oikos honey yogurt.

I’m more especially upset that I haven’t been able to exercise as much as I used to for health reasons. For six weeks or so I have been feeling fatigued and dizzy; dizzy to the point of passing out. I can’t work out when I’m exhausted or about to faint on the exercise machine.

Food just tastes better when it's eaten off my Charleston, South Carolina plate. I made this while in residential treatment. I wanted to associate food with my happy place, and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Charleston. I love the history, the culture, the beaches. Did I mention I love it?

I’ve been to my PCP, a cardiologist, my psychiatrist, and a neurologist. No one can provide me with any concrete answers as to why I have these symptoms. It makes me feel hopeless to be dizzy everyday for the past give or take six weeks and not be any closer to finding the reasons behind it. *Sigh*

I realize this post is depressing. I try to keep it positive, but I'm just not in that place right now. I’m not good at asking for what I need, but I’ll try here. I really need words of support and understanding, so if you have something to say, drop me a line.

Peace out.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

"Altered" sleeping

I’m a sad, sad moon. I feel like I’m on the outside looking in at myself, watching me from far away. Today has been one big struggle. I'm surprised how the comment at the gym is continuing to plague me. I’m not brooding over yesterday’s comment. I'm not dwelling on what was said to me. I’m not trying to be a drama queen or refuse to let the matter die down. But it has stirred up some ED thoughts that want to suck me back in, have me start restricting, and weigh X amount of pounds. It's just a continual fight. I want to get back to the place where I was starting to feel good about recovery and being proud of myself for my accomplishments.

Alas, I just can’t get happy about anything today. I can’t praise myself for eating according to my plan because I don’t believe that is cause for celebration. Intellectually I know it’s a good thing, but I wish someone would tell it to my heart.

Nevertheless, I did eat what I was supposed to eat.

I love how bright and cheery these colors on the plate are. For lunch it was a Morningstar Garden Veggie patty, avocado, vegetable chips, salad, and pineapple.

And in the salad we have Baby Spring Mix, tomatoes, carrots, spinach, celery, broccoli, and red bell pepper. All topped with a heavy little Italian dressing.

Last night when I was angry at the woman from the gym I received solace from a place I haven’t heard from in a while. I have a part that makes me sleepy when stress gets to be too much, and so last night I could feel her take over and make me sleepy. When I was in residential treatment there were two places in which this member would intervene regularly: during group therapy about s*xual healing and also in Residential Therapist’s office. I have no control over it when it happens, but I’m grateful for it. This “sleepy” member is like an anti-anxiety pill or a muscle relaxer. She soothes me into a dream that is so welcoming and peaceful . She shuts stress out by shutting me down.

Dinner: pizza on English muffins, salad (it's my fave!) and Oikos honey yogurt.

But then there are other times when I feel estranged from my members. For example, the littles seem to be hiding from me. Or maybe it is I who is hiding from them. I don’t know. I’ve put off letting them watch the cartoon version of 101 Dalmatians because I don’t know if I can handle it when they come out. I'm afraid there will be too much switching which will set off my migraines.Tonight I read them a book called Kiss Good Night, but there was no response from the littles or any other member of my system. (Maybe it's because the book was really boring.)

It was as if I read the book to myself; that's how much silence I encountered.

What about you? Do you have any alters that perform what some people would consider “weird” jobs? How do you nurture your littles? Does the presence of your alters ebb and flow?