Thursday, July 16, 2009

Preventing a fall.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude today, but it turns out to be more challenging than with which I can cope.

Today's meditation hits home for me, and I've studied it as if there were an exam at the end of this post. The quote is by Thomas Fuller and he says, "A stumble may prevent a fall."

Yesterday I definitely stumbled. Cancelled on my T and dietician. Binged and purged. I came close to acting out with self-harm but was spared from the behavior, or rather I stopped myself from acting out self-destructively with matches.

One can definitely say yesterday I stumbled, but I will not let it prevent a fall. I got right back up this morning and had breakfast according to my meal plan. I'm reaching out by posting to my blog site and listening to the feedback of others.

My T always says that therapy is like a toddler learning how to walk; it should be expected that someone learning to walk is going to fall down or stumble or fall head first into the carpet. I'm definitely stumbling around, but that shouldn't rob me of my self-esteem. Life is full of hazards and "dangerous" attempts at recovery. It takes a few tumbles before we can learn from them and prevent ourselves from taking a more serious fall. An occasional stumble may be a warning AND a blessing. It's only if we learn from them can it be a blessing, and eventually learn from our stumbles so we won't fall in the future.

The affirmation for the day, according to the book Believing in Myself, is "My self esteem profits when I profit from my mistakes."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Ramblings of a gone mind

I'm not okay. I'm feeling rather rabid and English. The words are coming from somewhere else. I don't know what to do with myself. I know what I should do, but "shoulds" are woulds that can't help themselves.

I feel like Sarah McLachlin when she sang with the Perishers a song called "Pills." She sang they weren't alright, they needed pills to get through the night, needed lies to get through the day, and she wasn't okay.

That's how I feel today. My abusers are mingling with my memory, creating a cause for alarm and exhaustion. I find no solace anywhere, except in place I'm not allowed to look: a long sleep.

The nights are terrible for me. It seems that right after dinner it's an all out panic attack for me. Nothing in my coping skills bag satisfies. I try to color, do puzzles, play a computer game, nothing compensates for my deterioriation. I dry up and crumble.

I've the perfect opportunity to act out on my eating disorder this morning. I "pray" I do not. I worked it out with D. that if I don't act out on my eating disorder till the end of the month I can get my third tattoo, and I really want that tattoo.

I can feel my younger parts gathering around. This is really difficult. I don't know where I've gone.

Monday, July 13, 2009

What matters

Over the weekend, I had an opportunity to attend a gathering of acquintances I know for a small celebration. I told D. that I didn't want to go, but I really wanted nothing else but to go and see people and see the presentation that was to be put on.

You see, these "friends" are very strict and conservative. The last time they saw me I didn't have pink hair, no nose piercing, and two tattoos. I was a blank slate. Dressed conservatively, rigidly, and fit into a very small box. Now, I'm pure as the driven snow. Not really, but I definitely don't fit into the same category I used to.

One of my members had the idea of tattoos and nose piercings. Since we all share a body, I try to be agreeable to fashions, fads, and wants that each member has.

But I knew if the "friends" that saw me the way I am now they would not "approve" and I would be a subject of discussion among everyone. I'm not embarassed of how I look now. In fact, when we see the colorist next month we are going to request more pink for our hair. We are also planning our next tattoo.

But I still knew that people would talk about me. No one knows about my diagnosis and that the members have their own opinion on what to wear, how to talk, and how to act. And I wasn't about to explain to them that I hear voices and lose time and see people that know me and I haven't the slightest clue who they are.

So....a rose by any other name still smell as sweet and if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, then it's a duck. I can say that I'm not embarassed by my members, but the evidence proves otherwise. I can say that I'm really not embarassed, and I feel I embrace my members, but I was too self-concious as to what others would say.

It makes me think of two things:

I've said it before and I will say it again to myself: be kinder and more gentle with myself. It is unreasonable to think that a member would not embarass me and it doesn't make me a bad person that I'm not explaining away my behaviors or sharing my diagnosis with everyone so they will understand me.

I know I use a lot of quotes, so I won't stop now. It reminds me of a quote I learned in treatment:

Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.

I don't know who wrote this, but it gives me comfort.

If these people truly care about me, they won't judge me on my appearance. Yes, I look different now, but I'm/we're the same people that we were pre-tattoo. And if people do judge me on appearance and do mind how I look, then they don't matter in my life and I'm better off without their friendship.

I say alot of things and I hope in saying them that it will come true in my heart. I can B.S. myself to hell and back, but I'm hoping something I throw out there will stick for me.

Stay strong and take care.