Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Bitch and the Blank

No news on the separation with Husband.  It hasn’t taken place yet.  It’s just one day at a time.  I don’t think I could live with myself if I left him.  The guilt would sweep me away.  I always wanted to be married for life.  What does it say about me that I vowed my life to someone and now I want to say “just kidding”?  I will feel like the ultimate failure.

In the meantime, I have other things to worry about.  I am student teaching in my final semester of ungrad course work.  It is a huge struggle, and I am dealing with feelings of frustration with silly Therapist.  I was trying to explain to him how hard it is for me to student teach with my switching and lack of organizational skills and anxiety.  All he could say was that it was great I was getting along with my Cooperating Teacher and the rest of the staff.  I have so much crap stacked against me that I don’t see how it’s possible for me to succeed.  Yet, he glosses over that.  It’s like he won’t give in to my assessment of myself.  He is either ignorant or stubborn.  Maybe both.  It’s frustrating and it feels invalidating.  He just doesn’t get it.  I want someone to understand and maybe agree, because it feels better than someone contradicting what I already know.

I have been blank lately.  No feelings.  No emotions.  Desolate and abandoned.  I hate feeling this way.  I can connect to nothing.  I know they are hiding scared.  Growing up is so hard to do, and I don’t want to do it.  And telling myself I don’t have what it takes to be a teacher is the only way I can feel anything right now.  And I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all.