I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

I find it kind of funny.

I find it kind of sad.

The dreams in which I’m dying

Are the best I’ve ever had.

Gary Jules – Mad World

Those lyrics are in my head as I contemplate this post.

I find my situation disturbing. I wish it wasn’t happening. What does it say about me?

There can be no truth in dreams; if there is, I’m totally sunk.

Chocolate VitaTop Muffin, honey yogurt, honey graham gold fish, and blackberries. VitaTop muffins, where have you been all my life?

I feel dirty for even broaching this subject: dreams about Therapist still continue. Hold the phone, people! It’s not those kinds of dreams. There is NO sexual content to these dreams whatsoever. But I still find the dreams about Therapist to be unsettling. If it was a one time dream I would think little of it. But it’s happened a handful of times, and enough is enough.

I went crazy for this wrap. It has veggie chicken, spinach, tomatoes, swiss cheese, veggie bacon (a must try if your vegetarian) and of course avocados. All complemented by green beans and mango.

I can’t always remember the dreams, just a bit here and a bit there. What I do remember of the dreams is that Therapist is being kind in some way. Take for example last’s night’s dream; Therapist was consoling us and talking us through a memory. He talked to us very calmly when we were freaking out; he even offered a hug. (I want to rinse my emotions in bleach to take the filth of that away.)

Sweet potato fries, anybody? More for me, then. Also green beans, a cherry yogurt and a Quorn chik'n patty.

I can’t fathom why we’re having these dreams. I’m petrified of what it says about us. We’ve never before had dreams of a therapist, and we’ve had many mental health professionals come and go. Does this mean we’re too dependent on Therapist? Does this mean there is a growing attachment to him? Does this mean the last bit of resistance is wearing away and we will finally give in to the therapeutic process wholly? Conversely, are we still holding back because we’re trying to distance ourselves from Therapist? URRGGH!

We needed a stress break so we baked some Graham Cracker Bread. It didn't turn out as good as we wanted but at least it helped us focus on something other than feeling fat. More on feeling fat later.

I’ve always prided myself on not “needing” a therapist: I’m strong, I'm independent, and I can take care of myself. But what if we are needy? Is that such a cardinal sin?

In the dreams Therapist is emotionally taking care of us, as if he cared and as if we trusted him. Holy h*ll, what does that say about us?

Leftover graham crackers make and excellent evening snack, along with vanilla soy milk.

A mega monster salad. Filled me up good. Spring Mix, Spinach, Green Bell Pepper, Quorn chik'n patty, vegetarian bacon, quinoa, tomatoes, celery, baby carrots, and edamame. And a few pretzels to get my carbs in.

I don't eat food that has a face, but I'll make an exception here. My cute little orange tasted so much better because she was smiling at me.

Afternoon snack. The honey goldfish took a swim in my tummy and they were so, so yummy.

My friend Lea and I went to eat dinner after A.N.A.D. This was my first time eating out at an "unsafe" place. I didn't know the calorie content of anything I ate. I panicked a little bit but Lea was able to talk me through it.

For an appetizer, we had Tiger Edamame. Sautéed in garlic, these were a great way to start the meal.

I forgot to take a pic before I started eating so the picture didn't portray a complete amount of what I ate. It was good and I ate it all. Though now I feel gluttonous and guilty. I came home and immediately looked up the nutritional info to appease my anxiety.

All in all, whatever their meaning, we are having dreams of Therapist. We like the way we feel in the dream because it feels safe, but we don't want the dreams because it feels like it's improper and like we're crossing a line. Whatever the case, I’m angry, angry, angry because it now appears Therapist has this control over us. And I’m angry with us for being needy.

What about you? Do you have dreams about your therapist? Do you feel it crosses a line to have dreams about him/her.

Here's your sign

It happened again. Oh yes, it did!

Let me set the scene for you. So I’ve had a pain in my back for 10.5, and, no, it’s not my husband. I have a herniated disc, L5 S1. So I get epidurals (ouch is right!) every six months or so. Well today I went to my epidural and I haven’t seen this doctor since last year and the first thing he says is, “You’ve gained a few pounds.” WTF? Do I have a sign on me that reads, “Please call me fat”? Does it read “I already have poor body image, so let’s kick her while she’s down.” I mean come on people!! You’ve got to be kidding me with this! Twice in one week I’ve been reminded that I’ve gained weight.

Lunch - Grillers burger, sandwich thin, sweet potatoes (first time eating them) and a salad monster. Oh. Dried mangos.

This bowl is one of the pieces I did in residential treatment. It's to remind me that dreaming, loving, and hoping are things I can have if I just fight one meal/snack at a time.

I cried in Dietician’s office today. I never cry. Someone in the system has taken away the tears. But tonight I cried and it felt good. We talked about my body image and how I feel like I’ve gained weight. She weighed me and, miracle of miracles, my weight was the same. Then why do I feel so freakin’ fat?

Princess Graham Snacks. For the littles, of course. There was a time I would deny my littles the pleasure of a graham snack in the shape of tiaras and princess faces. Shame on me.

To be honest and paranoid I don't really trust the numbers she is working with. I don't trust her to tell me I've maintained when I've actually gained weight. I don't know that she would actually tell me the truth. I have these thoughts that I'll weigh myself in addition to her weighing me so that I can be assured she's not lying to me. My wise mind says she's not lying, but the ED voice is just a little louder and more persuasive.

I did have a soda monster tonight, but not a salad monster. It was all about the asparagus. Steamed then mixed with a little bit of spread and salted until my blood pressure went up. Included is a veggie patty sandwich, vegetable root chips, and a yogurt.

I went to A.N.A.D. (Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) tonight. The topic of the meeting was about feeling fat and having poor body image. Was this of divine arrangement because it was totally appropriate for what I'm dealing with? We talked about feeling fat or being obsessed with weight and what the feelings are underneath feeling fat. When did that feeling start? Do these fat feelings coincide with anything going on in therapy or some life event like being reminded twice in one week that you’re not as skinny as you were.

This has got to be the best oatmeal I've ever eaten. I don't know if it's because its organic, but it has something going on with it.

I used Agave syrup in my oatmeal because I heard great things about it. For example, because it's concentrated, you only need a little bit. In addition, it has a low glycemic index so it won't spike your blood sugar. Taste wise, I'll have to try it again. It didn't do anything for my oatmeal.

I’m questioning whether having a little more weight on me is beneficial at all. Physically I felt like sh*t when I was underweight, but I still felt great about myself because I was thin. I was proud of it. I felt safe and had better body image. Now I’m average weight and have no self-esteem and poor body image. It’s a dichotomy.

It’s this part of recovery that has tripped me up so many times. I get to this point of questioning whether recovery will really work for me. I have these constant thoughts about not being happy with my body image or feeling that I would rather restrict or how being super skinny is so much better. I want my thinking to align with my behavior. I want my body image to be great and to stick to my meal plan at the same time. Wishful. Thinking. Maybe it’ all or nothing thinking; if I don’t have the behaviors match the thoughts then I won’t allow myself to have either, the thoughts or behaviors.

I don’t know how to reconcile myself to this. I don’t know how to continually make myself go to meetings and see my treatment team and adhere to my meal plan when my hearts not in it. I'm doing it, but I don't want to hate myself for doing it.