Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Crummy Valentine

I always spoil things good. It's Valentines Day. It is supposed to be a day dedicated to love, Cupid, chocolate, and all things immoral. It's true origin begs to differ. No bother. For me, it is the half year anniversary D. and I always celebrate. Our real anniversary is August 14, but we always celebrate our half years, too, so today we were supposed to exchange anniversary gifts and go out. He had a day planned to go paint pottery and go eat at a restaurant he thought was safe. That's an oxymoron. Is there any "safe" restaurant out there?

Doesn't matter. Me being the good anorexic that I am, I was exhausted, deprived of sleep, irritable, cranky, and rattlesnake-mean. I lay down to pull myself together. A little "me" time. I ended up falling asleep and when I woke up several hours later, I had ruined D.'s plans. Fuck me. I hate me.

However, it is a good lesson. It is so true that when you have an eating disorder you have no other relationships than the e.d. I sacrificed a day with my spouse because I was too exhausted and petulant to go out. So we stayed in and I hate staying in. How do you burn calories just staying in your house under the glare of your husband. So I decided I would eat "normally", whatever the hell that is, so that I could startle my metabolism, kick start it, and shove it into burning calories at a higher rate. My stomach wasn't used to that much food. Made me ill. But I didn't throw least until dinner. I ate dinner and knew as I was eating it I could consume it without worry because I would offer to the porcelain bowl later. And so I did. I consumed two more of those apple dumplings that are so rich you have to be sick.

So I sit here, typing, caught in a purgatory where nothing will make me happy. I just want to drink myself to sleep, wake up tomorrow, and start all over. I've already told D. I'm working out and not to come with me. I can't let him get in the way of my work outs. It's why I hate the weekends. I have to tailor what I do to hide things from him.

By any regard, it looks as if I am going back to residential treatment. I don't know when. I just need to get the finances in order and wait for a bed to open. Reading this blog one would think I don't want recovery but that is far from the truth. I'm being held hostage by this eating disorder and I'm hoping the structure, therapy, and diligence of the nutritionist will help me find my recovery voice again.

I do want recovery. This is no way to live. In August, D. and I will have reached a significant milestone and I want to be healthy and happy when it comes. I deserve better than an eating disorder. My parts deserve better. We don't need to revictimize ourselves and perpetuate the abuse of others by not eating, purging, or over exercising.

Someone inside wants to cook again without repercussions and fallout. Angie wants to go back to school and get back on the President's list. The littles want to color and we presently don't feel happy enough to color.

Not happy enough to color? Imagine a child sitting at her table with crayons and a coloring book but with big, fat, weepy tears woundedly trailing down her sweet face, blurring her vision of the coloring page. That's what my child parts are experiencing.

I found a new album on my iPod. I didn't buy it. I've looked back over the e-mails that iTunes sends and it was purchased last week. It is a rock/alternative album. The lyrics are about death and suicide. I can only imagine one of my teens purchased it or my suicidal alter. It is very disconcerting when they pull stunts like that.

I shouldn't be judgemental. We are all going through the shit. We just need to hang on. Please, help us hang on. We need to get to treatment soon. I hear voices in my head say, "What does it matter", but it does matter. It has too. I found more patches. Someone is stockpiling them.

I feel so split, severed, and separated from my internal family. Disconnected and broken. Detached and disjointed. It's my fault. I'm not dialoguing with parts. There is no internal communication. The only writing taking place is what is put in the blog. I have only myself to blame. But I can get back. I close my eyes and click my heels three times and chant, instead of "There's no place like home," I chant "It will get better, it will get better, it will get better."

I'm so tired; I can be nothing but done.

"It will get better. It will get better. It will get better." click, click

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Death by Self, Death by Sugar, Death by Men, Death by Tradition

I think I'm dying. It's a familiar feeling, one I've danced with most of my life. More often I wanted to die than not; now, I don't know what I want.

My psycho-iatrist fired me. Said I belonged in-patient, needed to be locked up, and since I left the outpatient program AMA he wouldn't treat me. Nothing makes you feel as hopeless and helpless as a psycho-iatrist firing you. I don't think I could be any lower than I am right now.

I've no plans of finalizing the deal, but I have "a go" in place in case I need it. A plan, you ask? You could say a plan, but there are no details or time frames. Just a means and a desire; does that count?

I hate myself every second of every day and I find comfort nowhere. There is no hope I can scrape together to force a smile. I could call my therapist, but he's clueless as to how to treat me, us, them, whoever the fuck lives here. Every second that dwindles by elongates into eternity. I'm so fucking hungry but I'm not allowed to eat. Repercussions. It's hell. I would say it can't get worse, but Dante had seven layers of hell and I'm sure I'm about to explore each one.

I'm bitter and irritable. I spaz at every comment thrown my way. I need help. I need hope. I need.

We finally cooked today. Tina made these apple dumplings to die for. Just two of them made me sick so I had to eat four so I could more easily throw them up. D. knew what I was doing because he commented on it when I emerged from the bathroom as if I was taking a shower the whole time. I just don't get why he doesn't bust the door down and make us stop, but, then again, it is within our power to stop purging. We just haven't done it yet. I don't understand why we're not dead yet. We worked out for 1 and a half hours straight today. Didn't eat till dinner and dessert and threw it all up. How are we still standing?

I lost sight of the point. It felt really good to be back cooking. I used to cook all the time. My specialty were chocolate chip cookies and nobody could make them like I could. It wasn't your average Nestle Toll House recipe. Everyone who had these cookies said they were the best. I loved baking. I don't know why it was always preferable. It certainly is more exact. There is no margin of error when baking.

I remember my first foray into baking/cooking. I was going to make pancakes but didn't have a recipe, so I made one up. I think I was around ten years old. The pancakes didn't turn out well. I didn't know I needed a leavening agent, so the pancakes were a little on the flat side. I only used milk and flour. The brother, ass*ole, made fun of me and my pancakes and called them flatjacks instead of flapjacks. But the ass*ole didn't mind eating up all of my delicious creations. In fact, the porker is still wearing food I cooked decades ago. Ass*ole.

I hate him. About a month ago I saw him for the first time in a year and he reached out as if he was going to hug me. I'm like: what the hell? Why start to hug me now after years bad blood? All I could do is freeze like a little girl. He said, "Don't you want to hug me?" I said, "I didn't think you would want a hug." I haven't spoken with him since. I don't know what he was thinking or what kind of relationship he wants. I hope he feels good and damn sorry for making my childhood a living, walking hell.

Now I need to find a new "thing" to cook. I've got cheaters in the cabinets: mixes for cookies and brownies. Those aren't fun. Cooking from scratch is fun, but the others don't know how to contain themselves with the finished product. We've thrown so much food away because they don't know how to eat in moderation or eat and not feel guilty.

What will we do on V-day when D. gets us chocolate? There are warring groups inside: those that feel they can eat it and be okay (non eating disorder side) and another group that knows the food will be purged (eating disorder side).

Back in December, the non-e.d. side order over $50.00 in truffles from a company in California called Sees Candies. The non-e.d. side thought nothing of it. They felt in control. However, when the chocolate got here, some of it was eaten, purged, but the rest was thrown out in the trash. $50.00 literally down the drain and in the trash.

When I started this post I felt like I was dying. Truth be told and rediscovered, death has had a grip on us since we were babies, babies, babies, when men thought it was okay to mess with a five year old.

Why mess with tradition? Death hasn't come for us yet, but it can't be long this time. It just can't be. Like Sylvia Plath, whom I always quote, she wrote she had nine times to die. I think I'm on 8 1/2.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

I'm once, twice, three times a purger...

I lied. I've actually purged four times today. I hate Sundays. There is no structure. D. is home and hovering and watching what I eat. I had the merciful luck that he went and worked outside in the yard. I ate just a little and up it came. It wasn't like I was binging. I was just eating a little then purging it. I can't stand the feeling of food in my body. Not working out only makes it worse. Drenched in sweat, I feel I'm cleansing myself of all the literal and psychological filth that paints me dirty and leprous. But the feeling after I workout, though sick and wobbly, is one of elation. I feel clean and pure and absolutely wonderful.

I'm getting sicker. I say that for the erudition of my fellow bloggers. My T. gets this blog in an e-mail, but what I write is not and never will be for him.

So we saw "Rachel Getting Married" at the movies last night. My suicidal alter loved it. Over all, it wasn't a great film; the editing was pathetic and the cinematography was nauseating. Between the close ups and the hand held camera walking all over the place it had a strong documentary feel that just fell short. But one of my teens that is suicidal loved Anne Hathaway's portrayal of an addict getting out of rehab after ten months. My alter felt she was in the right skin.

Which makes me wonder for each alter. How do they feel about sharing the body? Do they all seek to find fictional skins and outer structures to embody; are they clawing to escape and feel they can escape to a world where it's just them? I know B.K., my suicidal teen, is in a mess these days and I'm not sure she grasps the idea if she kills herself she kills us all.

Her response is how frustrating and claustrophobic it makes her. I guess she does understand the lack of separation between self and state. How sad for her. Her one comfort in the world, death, is a punishment for the rest of us. At least the littles can deal with their sadness with their sticker book and drawing and hide-a-pictures. One of the teen shops on-line, but she is beginning to understand finances and has stopped spending, although like some window shops, she screen shops b/c she shops on-line. So many alters not feeling comfortable coming out.

So my heart hurts and I've been wanting to cry for a few days but nothing happens. There is nothing to pinpoint that makes me want to cry.... I take that back. There were a couple of highly charged items we journaled about but the writing was robotic. It was from our Public Relations alter who seldom shows emotion. Lord knows the other alters are trying to push it away, stuff it down through restriction and purging.

This lifestyle just doesn't work anymore and I want to get marathon treatment for this relapse because, come August, I'm back in school. School can either be a savior or an enemy. The pressure, the pressure, the pressure. I need to be in tip-top shape to be strong enough for school. And maybe this we won't cry at getting a B. I long for school. I'm at home at school.

I'm growing irate and irritable with myself while I'm writing out this post. Yes, g*d dam*it, I have alters contributing. why let that bother me? Because I'm not reaching any emotion. I am so damn robotic. So empty, so blank. I've always been blank, their shadow, their mouthpiece to the world. Taken advantage of in my role. I deserve to cry. I deserve to feel and meld with my alters. I'm tired of being on automatic and programmed. I need more.

I do, I do, I do want more. How would you know it from today? I will get better. You wouldn't know if from today. I'm sure there will be more days like this. But I have to get better. I'm shriveling up inside, dying more and more each day. I wonder if anyone understands how I try. I just can't do this on my own. I can't do this here. I can't do this with out self sacrifice.

I just want a tear. I'll fell better if I can conjure up a tear.

Can anyone help me? Feedback if you could. I'm so heavy in the heart; it won't be long.