Thursday, November 13, 2008

A big random mess

What a week! And it's only Thursday! We are so looking forward to Friday and the weekend! It's been a difficult week so far, which is why we've been offline. We've moved officially into the Stepdown house and the transition is a hard one. Although we know all the ladies in Stepdown, we are still the new kid on the block and it makes it hard to find our niche. Everyone goes through this and gets through it, so I'm sure we will too. The only way through it is through it.

We've been told we've done some really good work, although I don't see it. We've been told we don't dissociate as much and we seem co-concious most of the time. I wish I could tell my T. that I've already bought a scale and I am already restricting. I'm not restricting too much, but just enough to fuel the addiction and obsession about how to burn calories, how to avoid calories, and what lies we can make up so that we can avoid eating with others. It needs to stop now.

Funny thing is, we've connected the eating disorder with the trauma...mostly. Most of us in the system believe they are connected. We won't go into detail, but we've thought that if we process the trauma and find resolution in our story, we don't need to hide behind the eating disorder. When those thoughts first started being processed, it felt like such a relief. But our eating disorder parts are fighting back mad and hard. I suppose the more we work on the trauma the more the eating disorder parts will feel the need to come up and do their job.

Part of me loves the eating disorder. Why wouldn't I? It protected me all this time from feeling the pain and despair of being traumatized at the earliest of ages. I need to find a different job for the eating disorder. Rather, the parts that hold eating disorders need to find new jobs. I wonder if cooking would be an appropriate job. I would worry that since it is still food related it might set us up for failure. I don't know. What I do know is that if I left residential treatment today, and I've said it before, the eating disorder would swallow me whole. I do think if we stay in treatment a little longer and do more hard trauma work that it MIGHT, ALMOST, COULD BE, MAYBE POSSIBLE that enough of the treatment could hook us and we wouldn't fall on our face out of treatment. We just need to be hooked in and I don't know how long that will take.

Anyway, so now that we've got freedom, we have a whole weekend to plan out and since we don't have Internet access at the Stepdown house, we will be off-line. Perhaps I can write again before I leave in-house today. I may go to a coffee house this weekend that has Internet access. I was thinking of taking the littles to Build-A-Bear. They have two already but the last one doesn't count. I think I might go to the movies by myself. I've always liked it. I know some people feel self-concious going to the movies alone but I like it. My favorite summer was two summers ago when Pirates of the Carribean At Worlds End came out. I went to the movies every week to see that film. And it was especially fun once the movie had been out a while and we would go during the day. We were the only ones in the theater.

My mind is dwelling on school. I sadly think that if I was still in school I would be finishing my Practicum right now. I would almost be finished and would be a teacher. *sigh*

I've written enough of a big random mess. Till next time.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Another day, another death

I feel a crippling sadness seizing me tonight. I'm moving to a lower level of care. It is still part of the residential treatment facility I'm in, but it will not be as intensive and we will have more autonomy, which I know we are not ready for. I'm sad because there were only two things we wanted accomplished when we left treatment and that was less chaos in the head and not to be so preoccupied with food and weight. Neither of those things have happened. We will always be mentally ill. I just find it rather sad and pathetic that someone who people said had so much potential is just going to waste away inside her own pathology.

There's not much else to say. I really wish I didn't feel this way. I'm trying to remember that we aren't discharged and we aren't going home yet. We've just moved to a lower level of care. We still see our T. three times a week.

But it hurts. Some how it seems odd that just as we our getting into the crap that defined us we get moved to a level of care that we need more of. I wish they would just discharge me. Get it over with. I know what will happen when I leave. I will start restricting again. What is stupid is that I know the eating disorder is related to early trauma. I've at least learned that. I just always thought I needed to lose weight because I was a big fat blimp. At least now I know I'm a big fat blimp with an eating disorder related to trauma. Ha ha! Whatever. I cut myself short when I minimize what we've been through and that was very disrespectful to the ones who underwent the trauma and I apologize.

At least the members and I are getting along better, except for one. I don't know her purpose but she is always making me sleepy at the most inopportune moments. She is a protector but I don't know against what. She doesn't respond when I try to dialogue with her. I don't know what she wants. Before, she only "drugged" me and made me feel tired around food. Now it's throughout the day. I don't know if she is trying to keep us from talking or what. I have compassion for her, even if I don't know who the hell she is.

My life is going off the tracks. I'm scared to death. The world is going silent.