Saturday, April 18, 2009

If we weren't all crazy we'd just go insane.

That's a quote by Jimmy Buffet. I'm not sure that I'm not crazy AND insane, or if they are even mutually exclusive. I'm so lost inside the mess and dissociation that cradles my life. Having Dissociative Identity Disorder is like having a broken mind. My thoughts are disorganized. I remember face but not names of people I'm in treatment with for weeks. Time is totally distorted. My mind doesn't document events or happenings, and inevitably I get the fatal "Do you remember when you/we...?" My mind is so broken I can't adequately describe it.

You should have seen me in the grocery store this evening. I left my grocery list at home (I was pissed off!) and I was trying to remember the ingredients I needed to make tonight's dinner. I had a complete meltdown. I couldn't find the sauce mix my dietitian said would fit into my meal plan, I couldn't figure out if I wanted frozen veggies or if I wanted to steam veggies I have at home, and lastly I just threw some apples in a bag without inspecting them for bugs or bruises. If that's not crazy then I don't know what is.

So it's been an exhausting day. It started off by going to Eating Disorders Anonymous . Then D. and I went to Costco to keep my apple addiction alive and kicking. Still eating apples with salt. I keep being told it is eating disordered behavior. I don't care. It's good.

Went back to the homestead for lunch. I didn't want another veggie burger (I eat so many it's not even funny) so I stumbled upon an Amy's vegetarian dish in the freezer. Into the microwave it went and my painstaking dilemma about what to eat went with it.

The dissociation had been really bad since the 10:00am EDA meeting. I knew that my alters had been triggered and had "bothered" me since. I finally found some Imitrex and laid down for a while. When my head became only a moderately thumping pulse, D. drove me to get a full body wax which always relaxes me and makes me feel better. It didn't help with the switching, which has been switching constantly and bearing down behind my eyes since this morning. Even as I type I can sense them behind my eyes, peering over my shoulder, watching what I'm typing.

It stirs up an explosion with in me. I just want to go freakin' crazy or insane, something to give me relief. Seroquel just doesn't work and I'm suffering too much not to have something stronger.

I can say that I haven't binged so far, which is an improvement; however, I must admit to restricting. D. is too blind to notice. I didn't have my a.m. snack or my p.m. snack. I'm supposed to be having my night time snack now. But NOPE. I have no logical reason to restrict.

I just don't fucking want to eat. I don't want to pollute my body and today I will take my stand.

I've felt strong urgings to burn. I've been good so far. Relatively good. Tomorrow, Sunday, D. and I are going to the movies, which we never do fun couple stuff anymore. Probably because I'm such a wreck. I just hope my head is not this chaotic, disorganized, confusing, and haphazard. It is really, really, bothersome. That's probably why there's been the urge to burn; I need something to distract from the pain of having my head pulling me in different directions at the same time.

I agree with Buffet: if we all weren't crazy we'd go insane...and I'd be the first one there.