Silent Screams

Things are quiet, but they're not. There’s not much to talk about, but there’s so much to say. I haven’t been posting or taking photos of my food because the words aren’t there and neither is the food.

The eating disorder is a little bit louder these days, and I’m having a hard time with my food.

A dichotomy is growing inside: those who are pro life and those who are pro eating disorder.

The recovery voice is still speaking, alerting us there is life worth living outside of an eating disorder. I listen closely, praying she is right. She says there are things in life worth living for. She reminds us of school. We start back in August and she reminds us of the trouble we will face if we are still engaging in eating disorder behaviors. She tells of the good times we can have in our class if we aren’t focused on food and weight.

She reminds us of other things we want: laughter, friendships, teaching kids, exercise. She speaks of attaining things we don’t know we even want yet.

But there is the other side of me that can only speak the language of eating disorders. A lonely, broken, sad girl who relies on the eating disorder to say everything she cannot say. If she could, she would say that she’s scared, that bad men come and find her. She would say she’s hurt. She would say she feels lonely and no one would help her then. She would say there is nowhere else to hide, that she is not safe. She would say she wants someone to help her. She would like someone to notice her.

Her sadness gives birth to my tears. I don’t know where to go from here or what next to say. Hopefully, this is enough for now. The lonely, broken, sad girl is feeling her tears.

Emotional

I feel so emotional. The least little thing is provoking tears. I never cry, so why are these tears so special?

I'm living in a dark place where no one can see me or touch me. I do not feel safe.

I had an MRI today to help determine the cause of my dizziness and fatigue. I hope they find an answer soon because I am so miserable. I didn't have the physical or mental energy to get off my couch and walk to the kitchen for a cool drink.

I use to go to the gym for that release, but there is absolutely no energy for the gym, which is also causing me great mental and emotional stress.

Just thought I would throw these words into the universe and hope somebody can relate.

Breakfast was my new granola, soy milk, and an orange.

It's a tradition that I take my girls to Dunkin Donuts on Fridays. I had already enjoyed my breakfast above so I just sat and sipped an iced coffee.

I was having a craving for sushi since Lea and I went out to a Japanese restaurant. So I bought some from Whole Foods. It was good, but restaurant was much better.

Question Asked, Question Answered Part 2

Castor Girl asked a question of me in a post on May 8 regarding our loneliness and what was causing it. She asked, “Do you know what’s happened to you to make you feel so lonely?”

Several events have taken place that explain the recent onset of loneliness.

First, I started reading a book called Beating Ana, and in this book the author asserts that relationships replace eating disorders. We began to think about this idea and began to see the trueness of the words. For so long we’ve turned down offers to see movies, go shopping, or have lunch because we were too caught up in our eating disorder. Several girls from treatment have tried to befriend us, and, except for one girl, we ignored them. We cultivated a friendship with our eating disorder rather than people. It was more important to us to skip a meal than dine with someone. We didn’t have time for relationships because we were too busy exercising and calorie counting. Restricting food was restricting friendships.

Totally forgot to take a pic of breakfast, and what a shame because it was phenomenal. Anyhow, we picked up with our A.M. snack of mangoes and raspberries. I love raspberries and I love mangoes, but not together. The raspberries were really sharp against the sweetness of the mango.

Which brings us to the second event: what’s important to us is shifting. Being alone may be safe, but it’s not very fun or rewarding. Every now and then we get glimpses of what life could be like without an eating disorder. We see ladies at our EDA meetings and A.N.A.D meetings who all sit and chat and laugh before and after the meetings. We want that.

This was one of the best meals we've had, at least until we ate dinner. But more on that later. Here we have a salad monster, mango, pretzels, and veggie patty with avocado. This was the BEST avocado in the world.

We sit by ourselves while the rooms fill up with people and chatter. We watch and feel jealous of other girls and the friendships they appear to have. It’s a good jealousy, though. It’s a motivator for us to do the work we need to in order to be one of those girls who is friendly and chatty with everybody.

This is a repeat offender of lunch except with green beans and veggie bacon. OMG! The avocado and "bacon" rule! And the green beans with butter wasn't anything to sneeze at. Honestly, the best meal I've ever had. Hands down. Look for it again tomorrow. I've got half an avocado left.

It hasn’t just been about the eating disorder, though. We’ve felt damaged and bad and unlovable. Who would want to be friends with that, with us? But maybe a more objective viewpoint is trying to surface. Yes, we are shy. Yes, we don’t always know the right thing to say. Yes, we are extremely anxious to talk over the phone. But does that make us inherently bad? Does that make us unworthy of friendship?

Snack time. Little honey goldfish swimming in honey yogurt. Tasted like dessert. This was a great day for food.

While we want friends and see the benefit of having friendships in our life, it is also exhausting trying to like and be liked. There is so much baggage that comes with us that we don’t think a friendship is possible. There are too many declarations that need to be made. Too much background, too much get-to-know-you information. It’s just overwhelming. And how much work do you have to do before you begin to relax with that person and let your guard down? Sometimes I think it’s not worth it.

But I digress. We feel lonely because we recognize we are alone, and it is now on the radar as something we want to change. We’ve felt the heart of being lonely and it’s not good enough for us. Being alone is not an option.

First off, I’m on Formspring now, so if you have anything you want to ask me, big or small, I’ll do my best to answer it. It's a great way to find out more about Missing In Sight.

I read this book to my littles tonight. I was impressed with what Bee said on my comments page about what she does for her littles, including her adolescent parts and it motivated me to do more for my littles. When I read this book for the first time it made me cry. It is such a sweet and nurturing book. I really felt comforted by it.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) I meet with Dietician. I’m terrified she will tell me I gained weight. I’m scared because I feel like I’ve gained weight and that will further increase my thoughts of being a failure. I'm struggling exceptionally with body image and I hate it. When will the struggle be over? Adhering to my meal plan right now is the only measure of success I have. It's the only thing I can track. It's easy to say, "Yes, I've followed my meal plan the last thirty days" but it's not so easy to say I've changed my view of myself for the past thirty day. I guess the behavior comes first and then the thoughts. Kind of like if you start smiling when you're depressed you might feel better. I know I haven't changed my thoughts and that has been making it worse because I am NOT at all happy that I'm being successful at my meal plan.

Speaking of meal plans, here's some of what's been on my plate lately:

This is a packet of instant organic oatmeal and flaxseed with soy milk. It taste almost like rice pudding or tapioca pudding. It's thick but fluffy and so yummy.

A blurry picture of a raisin oat bran muffin chopped up in Oikos honey yogurt, blackberries, and a spoonfull of Almond Butter. I died and went to heaven.

Here, I tangoed with a mango, and the mango won. It's my favorite fruit in the world.

I can measure my progress by how well I stayed with my meal plan. But even those accomplishments are not sitting right with me. I feel angry with myself for following the meal plan; for doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I remember feeling so empowered when I first started with my meal plan. I was confident that I could follow it and somehow learn to love my body.

Homemade vegetarian wrap, orange, and a salad monster. I am the queen of salads.

Fresh strawberries and cocoa almonds. Tastes just like a chocolate covered strawberry. And the company of a good mystery/thriller makes for an even better snack.

But a part of me is definitely rebelling. I hate my body; I hate my meal plan; I hate myself for following said meal plan. How can one be angry with doing what’s right? Well, one can and one does.

Not my favorite meal, and it did follow a food ritual: the foods must not touch and must be eaten in a specific order. Note to self: food rituals DON'T make the calories go away. Tofu, quinoa, asparagus, and an Oikos honey yogurt.

I’m more especially upset that I haven’t been able to exercise as much as I used to for health reasons. For six weeks or so I have been feeling fatigued and dizzy; dizzy to the point of passing out. I can’t work out when I’m exhausted or about to faint on the exercise machine.

Food just tastes better when it's eaten off my Charleston, South Carolina plate. I made this while in residential treatment. I wanted to associate food with my happy place, and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Charleston. I love the history, the culture, the beaches. Did I mention I love it?

I’ve been to my PCP, a cardiologist, my psychiatrist, and a neurologist. No one can provide me with any concrete answers as to why I have these symptoms. It makes me feel hopeless to be dizzy everyday for the past give or take six weeks and not be any closer to finding the reasons behind it. *Sigh*

I realize this post is depressing. I try to keep it positive, but I'm just not in that place right now. I’m not good at asking for what I need, but I’ll try here. I really need words of support and understanding, so if you have something to say, drop me a line.

Peace out.

April 30th

Yesterday was such a beautiful, warm and sunny day that I decided to plant some flowers. I love flowers but do not have a knack for keeping them alive. That only thing that thrives in my garden are weeds. Nevertheless, things can change and I chose some flowers that are appropriate for where I'm planting them. I can't tell the names of the flowers I planted because I just don't know. But here are some lovely pics.

This is the before picture. Hence, my lovely weeds.

And the flowers (alive before I get to them) from Lowe's.

And here is the finished product:

This is my fave.

And coming in 2nd:

This next one doesn't look as good but I'm still happy with it.

I also went to Trader Joe's last night and was SO disappointed. I thought it would be like a Whole Foods, but it was so small and had a very limited selection of produce and vegetarian products. However, I did come across a small find:

(Sorry for the grainy picture.) This "peanut butter" is to die for. It's smooth, creamy, and lower in fat than regular peanut butter. I heated some up with a muffin and yogurt this morning, along with strawberries and it was so yummy.

I'm trying to keep my recovery interesting and not so boring by trying new food products.

Question of the day: Is there a food product that you just go crazy for? Where do you like to grocery shop?

If we weren't all crazy we'd just go insane.

That's a quote by Jimmy Buffet. I'm not sure that I'm not crazy AND insane, or if they are even mutually exclusive. I'm so lost inside the mess and dissociation that cradles my life. Having Dissociative Identity Disorder is like having a broken mind. My thoughts are disorganized. I remember face but not names of people I'm in treatment with for weeks. Time is totally distorted. My mind doesn't document events or happenings, and inevitably I get the fatal "Do you remember when you/we...?" My mind is so broken I can't adequately describe it.

You should have seen me in the grocery store this evening. I left my grocery list at home (I was pissed off!) and I was trying to remember the ingredients I needed to make tonight's dinner. I had a complete meltdown. I couldn't find the sauce mix my dietitian said would fit into my meal plan, I couldn't figure out if I wanted frozen veggies or if I wanted to steam veggies I have at home, and lastly I just threw some apples in a bag without inspecting them for bugs or bruises. If that's not crazy then I don't know what is.

So it's been an exhausting day. It started off by going to Eating Disorders Anonymous . Then D. and I went to Costco to keep my apple addiction alive and kicking. Still eating apples with salt. I keep being told it is eating disordered behavior. I don't care. It's good.

Went back to the homestead for lunch. I didn't want another veggie burger (I eat so many it's not even funny) so I stumbled upon an Amy's vegetarian dish in the freezer. Into the microwave it went and my painstaking dilemma about what to eat went with it.


The dissociation had been really bad since the 10:00am EDA meeting. I knew that my alters had been triggered and had "bothered" me since. I finally found some Imitrex and laid down for a while. When my head became only a moderately thumping pulse, D. drove me to get a full body wax which always relaxes me and makes me feel better. It didn't help with the switching, which has been switching constantly and bearing down behind my eyes since this morning. Even as I type I can sense them behind my eyes, peering over my shoulder, watching what I'm typing.

It stirs up an explosion with in me. I just want to go freakin' crazy or insane, something to give me relief. Seroquel just doesn't work and I'm suffering too much not to have something stronger.

I can say that I haven't binged so far, which is an improvement; however, I must admit to restricting. D. is too blind to notice. I didn't have my a.m. snack or my p.m. snack. I'm supposed to be having my night time snack now. But NOPE. I have no logical reason to restrict.

I just don't fucking want to eat. I don't want to pollute my body and today I will take my stand.

I've felt strong urgings to burn. I've been good so far. Relatively good. Tomorrow, Sunday, D. and I are going to the movies, which we never do fun couple stuff anymore. Probably because I'm such a wreck. I just hope my head is not this chaotic, disorganized, confusing, and haphazard. It is really, really, bothersome. That's probably why there's been the urge to burn; I need something to distract from the pain of having my head pulling me in different directions at the same time.

I agree with Buffet: if we all weren't crazy we'd go insane...and I'd be the first one there.