Friday, February 24, 2012

To You

I want you to hear the words I can not speak.  I want you to search for me where I’ve been forced into hiding.  I want a safe, warm hug from you where only coldness lives.  I want you to help me to cry when I can not face the tears myself.  I want you to help me as I’m forbidden from being human. 

There is more to me that meets the eye, and I need you to know it.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I am missing in sight.  You will look for me, but you will not find me.  My words you won’t understand, my writing you won’t know.  I am disappearing in plain sight.  Please don’t look for me.  I surrender.

Monday, February 20, 2012

It's all over but the crying

I have told him I want a separation.  I’ve moved into the guest bedroom.  Every step I take away from him he is a bewildered little boy, not understanding how this could happen to him.  Whatever he’s wondering, it’s been happening a year and a half.  I feel I’ve told him every step of the way what his behavior would lead to.  But inevitably, according to him, it’s my entire fault.  

He says my internal system doesn’t communicate well enough.  (Well, god damn, why didn’t he just say so and I would have fixed it already!)

He says he only married one of us; he didn’t bargain for the plural lifestyle. 

He says I take him for granted. 

He says other things, but I don’t remember what they are.  I ask him to write them down.  He says no.

I know he feels alone.  He has alluded to suicide several times.  I doubt my decision to leave sometimes.  I keep asking myself if it’s really that bad that I would betray the covenant I swore before God.  The only reason it’s not bad right now is because we aren’t really talking.  But it is that bad. 

I’m grasping at straws for how to cope.  The negative thoughts slink back in, wanting me to hurt myself some way or another, some way to be able to catch my breath and fill this hole in my heart.  Anything to numb out.  Any way to make myself think of something else.  I would very much like to melt away.