Saturday, December 10, 2011

grasping at air

there are f e w words.

went through R.A.D. self defense simulations yesterday

flashbacks    terror     crying

13 hours later still not okay

still crying  still scared    still terrified

need safe hugs   need peace    need for it all to go away

need to cope   bad ideas in mind  

need help   need to talk     but there are no words

i’m silenced just like then

oh, god, how i need help

Friday, December 09, 2011



I’m feeling particularly vulnerable these days.  I don’t know why.  I don’t ever know why, and that brings out the angry part of me.  I am taking R.A.D. classes, which are self-defense classes.  They are a series of four, and they have put me in situations where I have flashbacks or vague, foggy memories.  Today is the last day.  We go through simulations today where we are really “attacked” by police officers in protective gear.  I am scared.  At first the self-defense classes were empowering, but now they just make me want to cry.  And I’m afraid I will cry today during simulations.  I’m afraid I will be break down, go into a flashback, and nobody will ever find me again.  Not even Therapist.  Especially therapist.

He has hurt us.  Again.  We disclosed some very intimate details two sessions ago regarding why our head has been so foggy and we’ve been so dissociative, and he acted last session like he hadn’t heard what we told him.  He asked us why we thought our head was foggy.  We didn’t answer him, because we had already told him and was insulted he was asking us again.  At the end of session we said he makes us sorry we ever tell him anything.  I don’t know if it hurt his feelings, but I am not sorry that was our response.  You don’t ask us to confide our most shameful and personal sides, and then tell or play like you don’t remember.  It made it appear to us like he wasn’t paying attention to what we had revealed.  I realize he could have been manipulating us to see what WE remember, but you don’t play games with us.  Don’t test us.  That’s not cool.

So we also met with Secondary Therapist this week for the first time in a few months.  Back in late September/early October, we had a parting of the ways.  Rather, she parted our ways.  We had told her we were going to leave our Dietician, and she told us she couldn’t see us anymore.  We were devastated.  We had not seen that coming.  We felt completely betrayed and abandoned.  There was no reasoning with her.  So that day we just left her office scared and in tears.  We did go back to Dietician, but didn’t return to Secondary Therapist for a while.  I was encouraged by my treatment team to call her to discuss what happened.  I couldn’t choke back the tears enough to make my words make sense.  Dietician spoke with her and strongly advised her we needed more help, so Secondary Therapist agreed to see us.  That was Wednesday.  It wasn’t easy.  She said she had been giving us warnings along the way saying if we didn’t start getting better (gaining weight) she wouldn’t be able to see us.  I don’t remember her ever warning us to that effect.  So we decided if I lose weight or am not making progress that she will write out the consequences instead of just telling us because the words get lost in the head.  I’m still bitter about it.  Still feeling betrayed by her.  Still feeling like I can’t trust her.  But I acknowledge those things, so that gives us some place to start 

So, as of right now, I don’t have one therapist I can trust or not feel manipulated by.  It seems they always let you down, especially when you start to trust them.