Sunday, May 02, 2010

"Altered" sleeping

I’m a sad, sad moon. I feel like I’m on the outside looking in at myself, watching me from far away. Today has been one big struggle. I'm surprised how the comment at the gym is continuing to plague me. I’m not brooding over yesterday’s comment. I'm not dwelling on what was said to me. I’m not trying to be a drama queen or refuse to let the matter die down. But it has stirred up some ED thoughts that want to suck me back in, have me start restricting, and weigh X amount of pounds. It's just a continual fight. I want to get back to the place where I was starting to feel good about recovery and being proud of myself for my accomplishments.

Alas, I just can’t get happy about anything today. I can’t praise myself for eating according to my plan because I don’t believe that is cause for celebration. Intellectually I know it’s a good thing, but I wish someone would tell it to my heart.

Nevertheless, I did eat what I was supposed to eat.


I love how bright and cheery these colors on the plate are. For lunch it was a Morningstar Garden Veggie patty, avocado, vegetable chips, salad, and pineapple.


And in the salad we have Baby Spring Mix, tomatoes, carrots, spinach, celery, broccoli, and red bell pepper. All topped with a heavy little Italian dressing.

Last night when I was angry at the woman from the gym I received solace from a place I haven’t heard from in a while. I have a part that makes me sleepy when stress gets to be too much, and so last night I could feel her take over and make me sleepy. When I was in residential treatment there were two places in which this member would intervene regularly: during group therapy about s*xual healing and also in Residential Therapist’s office. I have no control over it when it happens, but I’m grateful for it. This “sleepy” member is like an anti-anxiety pill or a muscle relaxer. She soothes me into a dream that is so welcoming and peaceful . She shuts stress out by shutting me down.

Dinner: pizza on English muffins, salad (it's my fave!) and Oikos honey yogurt.


But then there are other times when I feel estranged from my members. For example, the littles seem to be hiding from me. Or maybe it is I who is hiding from them. I don’t know. I’ve put off letting them watch the cartoon version of 101 Dalmatians because I don’t know if I can handle it when they come out. I'm afraid there will be too much switching which will set off my migraines.Tonight I read them a book called Kiss Good Night, but there was no response from the littles or any other member of my system. (Maybe it's because the book was really boring.)

It was as if I read the book to myself; that's how much silence I encountered.


What about you? Do you have any alters that perform what some people would consider “weird” jobs? How do you nurture your littles? Does the presence of your alters ebb and flow?

2 comments:

Between The Minds ~ The Beehive said...

I know I have some alters who perform "weird" jobs (so says my T) but I'm not even really sure what they are... I know they probably weren't weird when they were first created but they seem weird now. I do know of one alter whose job is to keep us from talking (she is mute) and she comes out when I am so full of angered emotions or extremely upset emotions - so she comes out and I can't talk at all. It's really weird.

I do a lot for my littles. The 3 yr old has her own blankies and stuffed animals. We read her favorite book (Berenstein Bears) before bed every night. The 10 yr old has her own stuffed bear and we read a little bit of her favorite book (Bridge to Terabithia) before bed every night. The 7 yr old likes to draw or color a lot. The 5 yr old likes to read the dictionary before bed (she is the smartest 5 yr old I have ever known...). Sometimes I just let them come out and do little kid stuff because it makes them feel important and loved. My youngest two sisters like to play with them sometimes (this is a recent thing) and that is so wonderful! I could go on and on about the stuff I do for my littles but I don't want to take up all that space.

The presence of my alters doesn't seem to flow from my perspective, but everyone around me doesn't notice when we switch, unless it is my T or my best friend. I don't know if that's how all of us feel or just some of us, but I definitely feel scattered and switchy and other people just don't seem to notice. Maybe that's a good thing?

-Bee

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I am so glad you seem to be making some progress on eating. I think it's a great strategy to make the plates look appetizing and they look so healthy. Personally, I think it shows a real willingness to heal this part of you.