Monday, July 05, 2010

The Resurrection of Anger

Today has been a different day for me. While I’m normally stoic and unemotional, today I’ve cried more than usual. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that my emotions have been a little sensitive since I’ve had one of the perpetrators on my mind today. In fact, the image of the closet I used to hide in has been flashing in my mind.

All of this turmoil is because of a decision we’re trying to make. One of the parts wants to stalk him and haunt him. She looked up his information on-line and found his address, phone number, e-mail, high school, the date of his 30-year reunion, and the name of the company his wife owns. So we’ve been thinking about sending him a letter or an e-mail telling him to give us an apology, fuck off, and drop dead.

This wouldn’t be the first letter we’d have sent him. About fifteen years ago we sent him a letter acknowledging what he did to us and scaring the shit out of him by telling him we told his family members what we did. Other circumstances later brought us face to face with him, and he refused to talk to me. .

I don’t know why there is this pursuit of him again. I am without doubt that he will refuse to talk to us and will NEVER give us an apology. But, for whatever reason, there is a resurrection of anger, and we can’t let this go. We want him to know we aren’t going away; we will stay after him until we get an apology.

But then again, we don’t want him to have the satisfaction that we are still bothered by him, that what he did to us still affects our lives.

So we wrestle with the decision: do we e-mail him, or just stay quiet.

Maybe we are trying to find our voice, trying to stand up for what was taken from us. We aren’t afraid of him. In fact, if we were ever face to face with him again, I would sort of worry for his safety. I know what some members/parts/ alters are capable of. But we just want some satisfaction when it comes to him; we NEED some sort of acknowledgement. Otherwise, we may never have peace.

What would you do? Letter, e-mail, or silence?