Thursday, February 18, 2010

The beast

On a housekeeping note, I want to thank Paul, cbtish, Shades of Ivory, and Grace for their comments. I know I haven't responded to them and for that I'm sorry. Your support and insight means a lot.

It's been a long, hard, bad day. I am restless and feel like I'm going out of my mind. I don't know why I'm about to write this shit. I am not in my right mind.

The beast is awake again and I can do nothing about it. It's the eating disorder behavior. I've always been one to exercise. I started when I was sixteen, almost twenty years ago. I have never been moderate about exercise. It's always been nothing or too much. Though some would argue I was average size, the past few months I didn't exercise because I felt I was fat and didn't want to feel my body moving through space. It sickened me. But then I lost a few pounds and that got the ball rolling and woke the angry eating disorder. Now, I exercise a lot.

My thoughts have become obsessive. I am constantly worrying about food and questioning what I've eaten. Should I have eaten the veggie burger? Did I pour too much cereal? Will I be fatter after I ate that one cookie?

I realize why the beast is awake again. In therapy we are talking about some pretty difficult subjects and its given rise to the parts of me that hold the eating disorder. They think we're fat, unsafe, and vulnerable. She wants to starve me until I'm invisible. They want to starve the pain out. They want to be and feel empty so they can feel nothing.

I don't want to tell Therapist about these things. First of all, I don't want people asking me about my food or exercise. It's nobody's effing business. We want to be left alone to do what we need to do in order to be safe.

That gets said but then there is a strong part of me that doesn't want to go down the self destructive road we've been on before. We can't keep silent over what we're doing to ourselves. We need to not keep it secret about our obsessive thoughts and over-exercising.

But then there's the voice that says "Fuck that. We'll do whatever the hell we want."

I'm not strong enough for this.

It didn't take long for the beast to wake up. Previously, my slides into the eating disorder behavior had been slow. But this time the beast went from 0 to 60 before I knew what was happening. Now I'm conflicted. There are two sides to this. There is the part that wants the eating disorder and wants to lose weight no matter what the cost. Then there is the rational part that knows it is self-destructive behavior and knows it's avoidance.

Doesn't matter. The eating disorder side always wins. I try and think how I've been able to maintain my weight this long and I don't have an answer. Maybe avoidance really is good. If we avoid talking about our history then the eating disorder will not be needed.

I really don't know where to go with all this. It's just one of the many things driving me crazy.