Sunday, April 04, 2010

All my freakin' parts

I’ve started this post a thousand times and have deleted every word that I typed. I just can’t formulate the right words or the right thought for that matter. There’s so much “quiet” noise inside my head that sanity gets drowned out. For two days I was feeling better. The switches were fewer; I didn’t have the bad headaches. I might have even felt calm for a second or two. I was really on a roll. But then there’s today. Rapid switches. Migraine headache. Pressure behind my eyes. Morning of lost time. Overwhelming anxiety.
I can’t really complain though. I’m afraid I’ll sabotage myself for saying this but Friday and Saturday were almost good days. I can’t ever recall a time when I felt something so close to happiness. I guess you take the good with the bad.
There is something that I’ve been ruminating over and wanted to write about, but I just haven’t known at what point we should get our feet wet. The topic is parts of a system. Not everyone in our system knows each other and it seems some of us may be more different than alike. Up to this point, all the parts I know are female, but it appears that one of the parts may be male.
Our first inkling of there being a male member was when we were journaling a while back. There was a switch in the system and when we searched out who it was the only information we received on the member was that the writing was that of a males. It’s even highlighted in the text what part was written by the male member. There have also been two very specific times in Therapist’s office when the presence of a male member was felt.
I guess I haven’t written about this yet because I didn’t want to believe it was true (still don’t.) I’m flat out scared to death by it. It is weird enough sharing a body with five year olds and ten year old and teenagers and college students; however, at least we’re the same gender. If it’s true that there is a male part in our system that would really freak me out because I don’t like men. Men are pigs. How the hell am I supposed to get along with a male member in this system?
So, what do you do? I know some people with DID have parts of different genders and some even have animal parts. How do you handle it?

5 comments:

Ivory said...

I'm sorry that I smiled when I read, "Men are pigs..." I say that on a regular basis to my T (who is a guy). Also, I have a male alter. I don't know what to do with him so I let him be - I don't "do" anything. My T thinks "he" may be the one I defer to or give authority to (men are pigs), but I'm not so sure. I think the the Black One is the authority or father figure for the little ones. I'm just guessing here as I'm really not sure. What I am sure of is that there is not literally a man inside of me, only some male-like attitude, facade, and mindset. It hasn't made me less than a woman at all. It's sort of like when someone tells a man it is good for him to get in touch with his feminine side. Well, most men cannto do that, but I get in touch with my male side very well! I hope you find a coping method for this and don't let it bother you too much, it will be okay - really.

castorgirl said...

Yay... a couple of better days for you! It's days like that, that keep the hope alive...

I have several male parts at different ages. Some are here as sort of idealised older brothers who protect younger ones, and some are aggressive abusive types. I don't know how I handle it really... I tend to lose time to them and have little awareness of them. So sorry, I'm probably not much help...

Take care,
CG

Between The Minds ~ The Beehive said...

I also have mostly female alters, but I have two male alters as well - one is 30 years old and one is 7 years old. The 30 year old used to creep me out and I hated that I shared a body with him. I never wanted to let him be out. But over time I have slowly gotten used to him. He has become more like a brother to me now that I know more about him. Now when I am uncomfortable around certain males, he will be co-conscious with me and it makes me feel a little safer. The 7 year old is just as cute as can be. He's completely harmless and acts like any other 7 year old boy would. I have never been afraid of him because he is so young, but it is still a little weird having males share my body. You just need to set rules and boundaries with them so you are comfortable with them there. It will take time to get used to. Make sure that your male alters know that they cannot have relationships with females. My alter that is 30 years old had a relationship with a friend (female) of mine for over 3 years and I didn't find out about it until they broke up. Although it may seem perfectly normal for a male alter to like a female, it appears that you are a lesbian and that is not good if that is not your preference - as in my case. I hope this is all making sense... Feel free to ask questions. It does get less "weird" over time, it just takes some getting used to.

-Bee

Missing In Sight said...

Ivory,

Thanks for the reassurance that it will be okay. It's also good to know that I'm not out of the norm. I still don't like the idea at all that a male presence is here, but I'm getting used to the idea. Baby steps. Thanks for your comment! It's always good to here from you.

Castorgirl,

Thanks for your comment! It does feel good to finally say that I had a good day. In addition, I'm sorry that some of your male alters are abusive. Sorry to say it but twistedly that makes me feel better. The times we've felt the male presence it was abusive and angry. I'd always heard that males were protective so it makes me feel less crazy that some of your male alters are abusive. I hope that makes sense. Thanks again for your comments.

Bee,

It's wonderful to have you comment. It's nice to "meet" you. Your comment made me feel sooooooo good. To know that you felt weird first too and now can look at him as more of a brother brought me such comfort. Other members of our system have been easier to accept, but this male alter will present a challenge. I know it takes getting used to. Thanks for offering to field our some of our questions. We'll probably have more in the future. Thanks again for sharing your comment.

Anonymous said...

There is a very powerful male here. I love him. We all love him. He is me, he is part of us, so we know he is not a pig like some others. He protects us and he gets angry when other men act like pigs. It outrages him. I know this sounds odd since he is a male, but he is the part who is a feminist.