Thursday, November 24, 2011

Glimpses and Misses


If you asked me what is wrong, I couldn’t tell you.  I would want to tell you, but I wouldn’t be able to.  I don’t know what is wrong; I only know something isn’t right.  I’ve been feeling this way off and on for two weeks.  The anxiety is palpable.  It comes in waves and crashes.  I become paralyzed, fearful, and teary. 

There have been a few times, such as tonight, when I could trace the anxiety to a member, or trace it other times when the anxiety comes at night when I’m waiting for sleep to find me.

I saw Psychiatrist recently.  He put me on an additional med, and I think it is helping with some of the depressive feelings I was having.  But nothing is helping with the anxiety. 

I’m losing time more.  I’ve lost all this afternoon.  I know “what” I did, because others have told me, but I do not have first-hand account of what took place.  The last thing I remember is running a race today and taking the subway back to our car.  I was with two other girls, and I remember thinking in my head “What if they really knew me” and I remember an off-balance feeling.  The next thing I know I’m at home seven hours later, reading a book, and wondering how I got there. 

It’s no wonder I’m switching given the amount of anxiety I feel.  But I am completely controlled by emotions of which I can’t call my own.  But I catch glimpses and it frightens me.  But I have a vague awareness someone feels so deeply empty and irreparable.  Even broken hearts continue to beat.

All the same, earlier tonight a movie came on tv that we used to watch when we were younger that would always evoke strong emotions from one of us.  Tonight, we were taken back to that exact age and started crying for no apparent reason.  It was  like déjà vu. 

While we can say there are one or two positive happenings in this, our life, there is still so much lacking.  And we are at the proverbial crossroads.  I am scared of what lies down both roads, both bends, and I am even more afraid to look.  Most especially, I am afraid it won’t even matter which path we choose; we will still end up in the same crazy place.