Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
I don’t know who I am today. I really don’t. Been going through the motions. I’m vacated.
I struggle to find a formal feeling. I am abandoned to the emptiness. It wasn’t what I expected it to be, and it totally has invalidated anything I felt about living in that house. He made it not seem so scary. But I make it seem scary. Am I wrong? Am I overdramatizing it? I didn’t want a relationship with him anyways. And that’s exactly what I got. Ambivalence. Indifference. An “it doesn’t matter to me” attitude.
I feel so empty and I
know think what I have to do is stop the charade. If things weren’t as bad as they seem then I’m not as sick as I feel and I don’t need therapy anymore. I need to quit imagining things.
I don’t know but the whole thing has made me feel less connected, not more connected, if that was even possible. I know less of who I am, and that was a hard thing to accomplish. Dealing with the past is foolishness. I’m still picking out the shrapnel.
I was hoping time would make these creepy crawly skins go away. But they’re still here. A residual effect of the meeting.
I won’t believe anything I say ever again. I know I left looking like the fool.
I just feel the most vacuous hole in my heart ever, and I seriously wonder if I can breathe. The next breath seems misplaced and unimportant.
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Today has been okay. It has been about secular work and school work. Secular work wasn’t too bad. I like working and feeling productive. Physically I felt better than I have in a while. Not too tired and my back didn’t bother me. I had comfy shoes on my feet so my knees were in good shape. I’m seasonal help, but my boss told me a couple of weeks ago they would like to bring me on permanently. They told me of a position open that fit me and my experience well. Well, last night they told me the night-time position wouldn’t be open, but there would be a day-time position. But because of school I can’t do daytime. So my feelings were dashed. But thinking about it, I realized it is probably a good thing, because I heard the people at the counter are bitchy and catty and not team oriented, and that would not be a good fit for me. So I’m trying to think positively and know it was for the best.
I’m working on my finals for school and my two papers. Wednesday or Thursday, depending on when I finish, will be my last days for the semester that feels like it will never end. I’m excited.
I also feel disturbed. Tomorrow I have a meeting with the biological brother and Therapist. I don’t know what there is to be afraid of. But I’m nervous. I really don’t know why we’re having this meeting. The brother and I don’t talk. I hate him and he hates me, although I don’t know why. I’ve asked him before why he hates me so much but he won’t answer me. He’s always been an unpleasant person. But now he’ll come in the room and see me and turn and walk out. Won’t even acknowledge me. Of course, I don’t acknowledge him either. It seems to me that we should be close. We both grew up with crazy parents. I think part of why I’m nervous about the meeting is that it might be successful. What if we do find a common ground and we become civil to each other? Does that make the “brother” I disowned my brother again? I don’t want to be associated with any members of that family. I want to be as separate from them as possible. Being close to anybody from that side makes me vulnerable, and I can’t have that. So this meeting tomorrow is a threat to me.
This is absurd and inventive, and I don’t know why I feel this way, but I almost feel as if I need physical protection. I’m literally hoping Therapist will protect me, will make sure the brother doesn’t hurt me. I don’t normally feel physically threatened when the brother and I are in the same room. So why this time? I’m just waiting for it to be over. I’m curious to see what will happen.