Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Missing In Action

I know I've been gone for a while. Things have not been okay but I will spare you the spilt milk and the sob sorry.

I was released from the partial hospiltization back in May, I think. My intentions were/are to get a job and go back to school. I couldn't cope with applying for a job. I know that sounds silly, but for someone with D.I.D, dates and time spans are foreign concepts. So, applying for jobs was hard. It was hard to fill in the data such as when I had worked prior, whered the job was located, and addresses and names of supervisors are problematic.

So, I've been stressed. And interviewers don't want to hear that my lapse in job and school is due to long term hospitalization. So the jobs haven't been forthcoming. I was just going to go to school and lay off the employment part of my plan.

School has been overwhelming. I'm an English major and that's hard to deal with because dates are involved. When was Shakespeare's first Folio published? When did Chaucer die?

Frankly I could care less. So the dates and the multiple reading assigments and the papers to write consumed me. I dropped the first two classes and thought I would be okay taking the last two semesters. It wasn't okay. This week I dropped my last two classes.

Part of me feels completely worthless because I couldn't "make it". I couldn't last. worthless, guilty, shamed, embarassed damaged. That's how I feel. It has gotten a little better. Chocolate helps.

As for my eating disorder, it's just a mirror image of how I perceive myself. The eating disorder gets worse when I do a great job of hating myself and when I love myself the eating disordoer does better.

So, what will be next for Missing In Sight? With this time on my hands I guess I'll be hanging around the blog. It's definitely good to be back.