Thursday, December 16, 2010

HIghlights from the antonym of heaven

Highlights from my hell:

• Anxious as hell. Possible reasons: I’ve become fearful of going to sleep again. OR I’m regreting eating dinner. I hate these feelings and it’s so late I don’t want to call anyone tonight.

• Saw new dietician. She was as good as any dietician can be for telling you to eat and keep it down. She was very generous with the amount of soda she is letting me drink, which I’m grateful for.

• Been having disturbing dreams again. The dreams don’t contain people, jus the house in which we grew up. The rooms have been preserved and left exactly as before. It’s as if I never left. (shudder)

• I had an epidural on my back today. The back pain has gotten so much worse I couldn’t cope with it anymore.

• I’ve an MRI scheduled on my left knee next week. They tried physical therapy but it only made the pain worse.

• I’m feeling quite alone. I don’t know how many people I have to allow into my life to get rid of feeling alone.

• I’ve been off work for two days. Good timing. I was exhausted and started becoming impatient with customers. I should feel better if I follow my meal plan.

• It’s my goal to jog a 5k. There is one New Years Day that Elle and I talked of running but I might be working.

• So I’m afraid to fall asleep again. I don’t like lying there in a dark room where my thoughts can be mean to me. I will probably fall asleep on the couch. When I was little, I refused to sleep in a bed. I always slept on the floor. So tonight I’ll sleep on the couch.

• I see Therapist tomorrow. He’s going to want to talk about the brother, but I will have to come up with something more urgent to discuss. The brother is a dead issue.

• The nighttime scares me. I feel small.

• I regret that I ate. I would have so much more power and be larger than life if I just stayed hungry.

• Boo me.

3 comments:

sarah said...

I used to hate the nighttimes...I was afraid to close my eyes...afraid of the nightmares. And I want to tell you no...no boo you...I want to say..yeah you....for sharing your heart...for fighting your fight....for not giving up. Stay strong okay.

Missing In Sight said...

Sarah,

I don't know how you and other do it, alway finding the right words to keep me going. Your words brought tears to my eyes. It's been a sucky day and your words were exactly what I needed. Thank you so very much. safe hugs if you'll have them. {{{{{Sarah}}}}}

Ivory said...

I have struggled with this too. At a very early age, I sort of turned my nights into days. For some reason, I am totally able to sleep, once the sky begins to lighten. Trading nights for days works but sucks when you have to go to school or work - I've found that out, too, recently.