Friday, January 28, 2011

Am I really going to publish this? LHM

I can not believe I’m going to write this.

I need help. I have a dilemma and I would like feedback on this. Of course I will take it up with Therapist, but I need second and third opinions.
Last night I saw Dietician. My weight dropped. I thought I was doing better, but, according to Dietician, I’m not replenishing myself enough after my runs. (I’m training for a 10K.) It’s also the reason the constant desire and thought to eat and purge is so, so strong. In our conversation, she warned me as soon as I started giving my body what it needs I would gain a few pounds because I can not maintain my weight and give my body the nutrients it wants. (This sets up a whole different post for a different time.)

I am not happy about this. I hate my weight, and, more specifically, the shape of my body. I am pear shaped. I perceive more fat around my hips and thighs than other women have. I’ve done body tracings and this has only confirmed what I know. I am extremely curvy in the region. I don’t like the way my body looks in spandex. I feel like my thighs just jut out. (so embarrassed to be writing this.) I hate the way I look when I do lunges. Again, my thighs form a peak on the outside of my leg and it looks unattractive. I’ve always had trouble finding jeans to fit me because my waist is extremely small in ratio to my hips and thighs. And my hatred of this area also fits into not wanting my thighs to touch, which the eagerly do. I hate, hate, hate this part of my body. This part of my body is what makes me fat.
Dietician thinks my body image is just distorted, but it’s not. I’ve hated my hips and thighs since I was ten years old. I remember the exact moment and what I was wearing when I realized my hips and thighs were too big.

Dietician asked if I talked about my body image issues with Therapist. I told her no. When she asked what we talked about, I thought hard but couldn’t come up with an answer. I really don’t know what we talk about, but it’s not body image. The reason I know it’s not body image is because it’s something I don’t feel comfortable discussing with him.
That feels wrong to me on so many levels. Shouldn’t I be able to tell him anything? The man I trust most, second to my husband? But it feels too personal and I don’t know that he’d understand. Maybe I should try and discuss it with him…force my way through the awkwardness. I don’t know.

But Dietician was insistent I discuss my body image issues with someone. So she recommended I add an additional therapist to my lineup. She said I would never get better unless I got over the shame about my perceived body flaws.
So here I am, not knowing what to do. Of course I’ll discuss it with Therapist, but it seems like a betrayal to imply he’s only qualified to help me in certain areas and inadequate to help in other areas. And don’t you think the two go hand in hand? Eating disorders and DID? How can I talk about my body to a therapist without revealing something about the DID? I’m not willing for another therapist to know about it. But what if it would help? That’s the question I keep going back to. I’m so tired of struggling with my body and food. This last venture into the world of disordered eating was sparked by the meeting with Abuser X over the summer. I don’t want to talk about abuse issues with a body image therapist. But what if it would help?

So I don’t know if I’m not giving Therapist enough credit and me enough room to be vulnerable, or if it would be better to add another therapist to my treatment team. I’m in a conundrum. Any thoughts out there?

4 comments:

cbtish said...

It seems to me you are giving Therapist far too much credit. Anyone of whom you can say, "But it feels too personal and I don’t know that he’d understand" is not really a therapist, just someone going through the motions. Cancel your appointments. Don't go back. Write a very short letter explaining why — no more than three lines. If you feel doing that is some kind of betrayal, then Therapist has hooked you in some kind of emotional dependency, and that makes it even more important for you to break free immediately.

Then find a therapist who makes you feel comfortable discussing anything. They are out there. Perhaps Dietician can recommend one.

Ivory said...

Wow. I can understand the problem with getting another therapist. My own opinion is that you should try to discuss the body issues with the therapist you already have - after all, you aren't going to a therapist because you are trying to show him/her that you have no issues. Be vulnerable, talk about it. Baby steps. Also, it struck a memory for me when you said you remember the moment and what you were wearing when you realized your hips were too big. Do you remember what you were doing/saying and what others were doing/saying? I ask only because at age 14, I never EVER thot about how my stomach was flat and my older sister's was rounded until one day we were changing into our swimming suits and she made a remark about how our mother told her she was fat. She said Mom told her that she should have a stomach like mine. From that day forward, I thot my stomach was fat and flubbery. I was obsessed with it for many years. So, I'm just curious.

castorgirl said...

I would at least try to discuss the problem with your current therapist. Write it down and hand it to him if you feel unable to say the words out loud - or draw them, so he can see how you perceive yourself.

Like Ivory, I wondered what was happening for you when you were 10 to make you realise that your hips and thighs were too fat.

I agree that you need to talk about the issue with someone. I wonder why you don't feel comfortable talking about the body issue problems with your therapist? Is there a fear there? Men have body issues too, and I know that your therapist would have helped people with body issues related problems before.

Test the waters with him and see what he says...

Take care,
CG

Ivory said...

Just stopping in to see if you are okay. Thinking about you!