Missing in Sight

So much to write, so little to say. Angel asked for an update on what happened with the meeting with the brother, so I'll give it a stab. I must say that I haven’t processed it all yet, and my head still hasn’t organized it or wrapped it’s mind around what happened, or what didn’t happen shall we say, so I don't know how much I can say.

Just broaching this topic pulls a shift inside me. An altercation in mood. Not very pleasant. I feel the tears threatening their birth. And I need saving but I don’t know how to do it. I know I have to save myself, I just don’t know how to do it.

I don’t know what to say about the meeting with the brother. I don’t even know what the purpose of the meeting was or what I was hoping to get out of it. (I’m trying to think of what to write but my head just won’t go there.) Therapist claims I’ve said I want to have a relationship with the brother, but being in the same room with him makes me realize exactly why I don’t want it. The brother was physically abusive but never sexually abusive with me. But I still hate him. He denies there is animosity between us, but I disagree. He calls it ambivalence. Basically he doesn’t give a shit about me. Doesn’t care if I live or die. I can’t say I feel the same way. I almost wish he wasn’t around, that way there wouldn’t feel like such an open, gaping wound in my heart.

He claims he doesn’t remember much about our growing up. He says we played together. WTF? He was mean to me. And we played together, he says? Whatever. Says we had similar friends, although he felt some of his friends were using him to date me. There was one. But that’s it.

If I forced myself to think really hard about it I couldn’t tell you when my hatred for him grew. I just always remember hating him. I do remember an occasion when he surprised me for a nicety he did. It was my first hospital stay when I was eighteen. I had just tried to kill myself. In the hospital, he brought me and action toy of Catwoman, because he knew I loved Catwoman (still do! I am catwoman! Hear me roar!) I remember wondering why he was being so nice to me.

All this makes me want to starve the fuck out of myself.

The bottom line of the meeting was that he was open to a relationship developing between us, but, for me, I don’t’ share those sentiments. I have an idea in my head of a fictional brother I would like, one that I could love and one in which I could be close, but he doesn’t match it. I would want a brother that is warm, giving, friendly, and very protective. One that is reciprocating and interested in me, and that places an emphasis on the importance of family (ironically). I would love to have an older brother that looks out for the little sister. The brother just doesn’t fit that bill. The brother is a very closed off person, doesn’t reveal much, and it is clear to me that we don’t have that much in common. My life revolves recovery, feelings, getting better, introspection, making friends, and school. His life seems to be about privacy, movies, and himself. He’s very selfish, and I don’t need people in my life that don’t contribute to my happiness. There have been plenty of people who helped make me miserable; now I’m trying to find people that will compliment my pursuit of happiness. My philosophy right now is that if you bring me down, I don’t need you in my life.

That’s the best I can say about the meeting with the brother. For some reason I was more nervous talking to him than talking with abuser X. Speaking of whom I’ve been torturing myself with thinking of e-mailing him again. It seems like I just can’t let it go.

Please someone tell me how to breathe the rest of the day. I have to go to work, and I’m all out of happy faces.