Friday, February 26, 2010

Home of the apathetic and tired

I'm tired. It's more than not getting enough sleep or the tired you feel after a long day of work. I'm tired to the core of my being. I think my brain has stopped working. My body is lethargic and craves rest.

I feel so negative. Every time I write it's always about some crisis or negative feeling I'm dealing with. I know that was and is the purpose of this blog: to document the journey from being completely fractured to finally whole. Maybe one day I'll have something positive to say.

For now, all I can say is that I hate therapy. I'm tired of it. I don't feel we're getting anything out of it. Maybe it's all because we're mad at Therapist. Yesterday we read an extremely difficult writing from our journal regarding, among other things, certain boundaries that we let be crossed by Husband and all Therapist could say was what a good wife we are for having such compassion since Husband doesn't feel good and is still depressed. That didn't sit too well with us. How could he compliment us when all we did was sacrifice ourselves to the wishes of Husband just so he'd feel better. What about our feelings?

Plus, we just have nothing to talk about in therapy anymore. We've been in therapy eighteen years. Enough is enough. There's nothing left to share. There are no memories of the abuse to process. What's left to discuss?

Life is just so difficult right now.

And the beast is still out. She is really devouring me and there's nothing we can do to stop it. I wonder how this member with the eating disorder behavior has so much control over the rest of us. Like today, we were at the gym for 2 1/2 hours. I didn't want to be there that long. I felt guilty for it, but I felt compelled to stay. This member is young. I don't think anyone can win against her. Our focus is on restricting, working out, and losing weight. I can understand how friends and family would say to someone with eating disorder behaviors to just pick up the food and eat. It should be that simple and easy. Just EAT!! But it's not that simple at all. There are consequences to eating. Getting fat is one of them.

The thing is, I think this member wants a way out. I think she's miserable with and without the behaviors. This member was out for our 6th grade year in school and she was picked on and made fun of a lot. She is consumed with self-loathing, courtesy of children and adults. For her, being thin is her only salvation.

I don't want to eat. Then I'll be a failure. If I can't lose weight I won't be comfortable with myself and I won't feel okay with myself. This is the way to erase all the wrongs that happened.

I don't know how to help her. I don't know how to help myself. Therapist said things that he wishes for us and someone said all the wishes in the world wont' make it happen. It seems the steps necessary to take to get better are out of our reach. Today, we are just too tired. Everything seems overwhelming. We are exhausted. It doesn't seem to matter anymore. We are an empty vessel.

I feel like there's so much more to say, but it's not coming forward. I sense many members writing today and I know I won't remember the content of this blog. Such is our life.

3 comments:

Grace said...

(((MISSING IN SIGHT))) Oh my goodness...how your words resonate with me right now. I can relate to all you say here and feel as though I am in the same sandbox with respect to: myself, the different parts of me, therapy, marriage...all of it!!
I'm so sorry....keep writing - I am here with you, even if I cannot change what you are going through, I am listening, I hear you.
Sending you acceptance, ~ Grace

castorgirl said...

Sorry, no words of wisdom... Just lots of positive thoughts being sent your way...

Take care,
CG

Ivory said...

I have felt that way with my T at times, too. You answered your own question, tho, about continuing therapy, "life is just so difficult right now". That's a reason to go, but don't if you feel your not getting anything from it. Maybe go half as much as you are now, see how that works. I really hope you find some peace and the eating problems go away.