I wanted to begin by addressing some things Ivory wrote in her comment:
You are stuck, obviously. I don't want to sound harsh, but here is some reality that I want to share, hoping it will help get you jump-started and moving forward. . . . So, my advise to you is to close your eyes on the dream brother - he will never exist. Look, instead at the brother you have or you are part of the problem. You feel you don't have a relationship with your bro, but you DO have a relationship with him, just not the one you want.
I want to thank Ivory, for her comments, but I feel a bit misunderstood. It is true that I have a relationship with the brother, but I’m not sure that I don’t want that kind of relationship. I’m not mourning the fact that I’m not close with him. I don’t grieve that he’s not my “dream” brother. It would have been nice to have an ally in the house in which we grew up, but it is what it is and it can’t be changed. I don’t want any type of relationship with him. He is not the type of person with which I would see myself as friends. He doesn’t, nor do any members of his family, possess any qualities that are endearing or would breed friendship. So, thank you, Ivory, for the reality check. But I’m not stuck. I’m just empty.
On to other news, I got my grades back for the semester. Everyone would tell me that they are grades worth being proud of , but I got a B and I can’t be proud of that. I canceled my end-of-semester celebratory dinner because I didn’t think there was anything to be proud of or celebrate.
My seasonal job is going well. Just leaving me exhausted. I’m not used to working long shifts and so many days. I didn’t even have time to recoup from the all nighters I pulled working on my papers and finals. But there’s only a couple weeks left for the holiday season and then it will slow down. Either I’ll be let go, which is fine with me, or they’ll hire me on, which is fine with me.
I switched psychiatrists and he put me on Abilify to augment the Cymbalta and gave me tranquilizers, which have been very therapeutic. Some times the switches won’t simmer down and I will have trouble functioning, so the tranquilizers do a good job of calming down the switches and I feel human again.
I’ve also switched dieticians. Not officially, but I see a new one on Thursday. I felt old Dietician was simply monitoring my weight (and not doing a good job of that) and there was nothing else to the sessions. It just seemed dead space. So I’m seeing someone else Thursday with whom I saw a few times last year but left because I wanted to lose weight and she wouldn’t let me. I am at a point where I need someone to be strict with me regarding food and not let me get away with my usual shenanigans.
Life has been tough lately. Although there have been bright moments. Elle spent the night again on Friday after we had spent the afternoon together at the physical therapist and then walking a 5.5 mile trail. We ate out at our usual restaurant and came home to watch a movie. I must feel comfortable with her because I fell asleep on the couch during the movie. She was tired too so we called it an early night. We’re busy making plans for our next rendezvous, so if I were conscious that would be exciting. If my hours didn’t disintegrate into a life not lived.
Lastly, I e-mailed someone recently and I’m ashamed to admit it. Why can’t I just let it go? But I never heard back. I love the sound of his silence. May he rot in hell.