Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Ramblings of a gone mind

I'm not okay. I'm feeling rather rabid and English. The words are coming from somewhere else. I don't know what to do with myself. I know what I should do, but "shoulds" are woulds that can't help themselves.

I feel like Sarah McLachlin when she sang with the Perishers a song called "Pills." She sang they weren't alright, they needed pills to get through the night, needed lies to get through the day, and she wasn't okay.

That's how I feel today. My abusers are mingling with my memory, creating a cause for alarm and exhaustion. I find no solace anywhere, except in place I'm not allowed to look: a long sleep.

The nights are terrible for me. It seems that right after dinner it's an all out panic attack for me. Nothing in my coping skills bag satisfies. I try to color, do puzzles, play a computer game, nothing compensates for my deterioriation. I dry up and crumble.

I've the perfect opportunity to act out on my eating disorder this morning. I "pray" I do not. I worked it out with D. that if I don't act out on my eating disorder till the end of the month I can get my third tattoo, and I really want that tattoo.

I can feel my younger parts gathering around. This is really difficult. I don't know where I've gone.


Ivory said...

Call your therapist, call a friend, call someone who knows what you are going thru and cares enough about you to talk to you for a few minutes until EACH bout of confusion passes. Find the reason for all of this and you won't be reduced to having a bad day.

Hope you are alright, thinking of you. (I like tattoos, too!)

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Hang in there. You are certainly not "gone". It may feel that way to you right now.