I
feel moody.
I
feel like nobody likes me.
I
feel fat.
I
feel ugly.
I
feel disgusting.
I
feel like saying, ”Physician heal thyself” because I tweet all
kinds of positive and inspirational sayings and expressions on Twitter, and I believe them at the time, but later I feel so distant
from what I expressed just an hour earlier.
I
am having a hard time on this Tuesday, what other people are calling
Christmas. It is always hard on Christmas. I would love to give to
the littles what we never had. Loving parents. A cozy, safe,
decorated house. A house full of gifts and good cheer. A feeling of
acceptance. A sense of belonging.
Acceptance
is something I am really struggling with right now. Maybe it stems
from a lifetime of trying to be perfect and never feeling like I
belong, always wanting others to accept me as some proof that
I am normal. Can't I just be normal by my own definitions? Why do I
have to rely on others to delineate normalcy for me?
But
still I do. If I see others receive attention or friendship without
me, I wonder what is wrong with me that I am not included. I feel I
am normal for someone with my frame of reference. For what I have
been thorough, my actions can be expected. But I long for more, and
I quit whatever I am doing when I feel I am not perceived as part of
normal.
For
example, at work I quit trying to be friends with my colleagues
because I sense they feel I am different. So I'm keeping my
distance. But in keeping my distance I'm not giving others the
chance to find out that my “normal” might be quite good. What I
am doing instead is leaving others before they can leave me.
And
while I know that is what I'm doing, I don't know if it will change.
I've been judged too much in my life to hang around and be tolerant
of others continuing to tell me I'm different. And, also, while
different can be good, people don't want to stick around long enough
to find out.
But
then I think on what Theodore Roosevelt said: “It is hard to fail,
but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”
I
am a fighter. I do not lay down for anyone. If I have to keep
failing at friendship and acceptance, then so be it. But . . . just
maybe . . . there is one person who can accept us for who we are and
what we can offer. I hope it's worth all the pain to finding out.
I'm over this.
(This
post was written in partial protest by members with differing
opinions.) That's normal? Right? :-)
