Monday, December 29, 2008

Diametrical and contradictory dessimation

How am I to know what to say? I've scoured through dictionaries, thesauruses, classic novels, young adult books, and the every Conde Naste magazine to find the right words and images to unveil to you my broken.

I fall short everytime.

You see, I have failed. I wanted this blog to be about our recovery, not out well-rehearsed death. I want to live and succeed, but something always gets in the way.

I was so happy tonight. I thought I was going crazy. I was switching alot. My members wanted to come out frequently and were bearing down on my eyes and wouldn't give me peace. My usual mode of operation is to cut or purge. I did neither, but I couldn't read or watch a movie or do puzzles. I eventually journaled and asked the members what they needed from me, why they were being so persistanant. After a brief journal session, I felt so good about myself. That was the first time that I have EVER, EVER held off them off so effectively. Of course, later I did purge and used food to destruct, but I'm trying to hold on to that small piece of evidence that if I can experience that then perhaps I can do more, IFFFFFFFFFFFFFF I want it.

What brings me to the second point tonight. I've felt so guilty lately for even having this blog. I want it to be an honest, organic, interactive blog that reveals what I and my members are going through daily. That way people in society can benefit by our experiences when their loved ones too can't get out of bed or cuts thenselves to shreds or refuses to eat or can't remember how to get to the place they've worked for five years.

But the site doesn't seem helpful. I think it's because I'm having another relapse. I lie, lie, lie to my husband. "No, D. I didn't throw up. I just had to pee for ten minutes! [sarcasm included]) Over the holidays, I ruined our plumbing. I'll spare the general audience the details.

And now I'm tired. My arms are too exhausted to wash my hair and I love it. It means I'm losing weight.

This is the part I don't like. I feel like a phony, a hypocrite.

Let the reader know, I try everyday to live among the principles of good health, self-care, and living one day at a time. But it's all the other moments in between that are killing me and bringing me down.

And now I don't know where to go or what to be. I feel like I've a good angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, each telling me what selfish or angelic things to do.

I want to be good. I want to work hard on building a community with my members, meeting their needs through positive means, and spoiling the littles. I don't want the eating disorder anymore.

I pump my fist and rise in the air. I don't know what to do, but I'll keep trying everyday. Something has to fit sooner or later.

3 comments:

patientanonymous said...

Hi, I'm so sorry as I am just stopping by to thank you and this is a very serious post...I am being random and always saying I am so flattered...honoured when someone blogrolls me.

But unfortunately I can not respond approprately to this post. Part from my day, me having a few pints, those combined...my life at the moment and sadly, I couldn't even read your post. I'm sorry.

I'm kinda messy now but we all can be?

But now that I've found you (or you found me?) I've got you Bookmarked.

Take care,
PA

Anonymous said...

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.


Just keep going....
Tyler

patientanonymous said...

Hi there, I just noticed that you are a new referrer to my blog. I always like to stop by and see who everyone is and have a read. Much to my surprise, I saw you had me blogrolled! Thank you so much! I am very flattered and honoured!

I think this is an excellent and very heartfelt post. I have a lot to say about it but I'm feeling kind of sick today, haven't had any of my tea yet (caffeine!) so I'll try to make it coherent and cohesive? Maybe the best way is to go through things that you've written chronologically? That might also help keep my ADDled brain on track a bit?

Your blog. This is the first time that I have come to it so I haven't read anything. No, literally. This is the first post I've read!

What I can say is that blogs can morph and change over time. I know mine sure has (I've been blogging for two years now.) In fact, I didn't even know what I was going to blog about. It's a rather long story as to how and why I even got blogging in the first place as I never thought I would but it was kind of a pseudo-dare/challenge a bit.

Anyway, I knew it would always have a basic psych angle. Write what you know, right? However, I knew I would probably write about my "life in general," even though that was unclear because who knows how your life goes. I just thought if something funny or interesting came up...might be something to post?

I'm also totally geeky about stuff and also most definitely from a med/science perspective and that is how I began--well, maybe 50/50. Getting to know both med bloggers and psych bloggers.

Wow, that's a lot about me! But what I am trying to say is, your blog can be about anything you want!

Recovery or as I say stability (or achieving it?) whatever...semantics don't matter, is a very difficult thing for all of us and unfortunately, relapses occur. It is of my perspective that writing about them is very important (and I do...because I have lots of them!) This is because people don't feel so alone when it happens to them.

So, you nor anyone else is a "failure" when you relapse. It is so hard for us not to feel that way but it is true. We have to battle these damn things...battle, indeed. But if a relapse happens along the way, you need to be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to accept it and heal and then, move forward.

I think it's great that you worked so well with your members. It shows that you are again, working and making progress with your recovery. Okay, so there are still some relapse issues happening but Rome wasn't built in a day! At least you are trying and did make some progress!

You have to look at the victories too, even if they are small and seem insignificant. It's true. Sometimes just getting out of bed and taking a bloody shower is like climbing K2 but hey, you did it!

So you are trying, you are achieving and having some successes.

I hope this made some sense?

Take care,
PA