Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Accepting my Unacceptance

I feel moody.
I feel like nobody likes me.
I feel fat.
I feel ugly.
I feel disgusting.

I feel like saying, ”Physician heal thyself” because I tweet all kinds of positive and inspirational sayings and expressions on Twitter, and I believe them at the time, but later I feel so distant from what I expressed just an hour earlier.

I am having a hard time on this Tuesday, what other people are calling Christmas. It is always hard on Christmas. I would love to give to the littles what we never had. Loving parents. A cozy, safe, decorated house. A house full of gifts and good cheer. A feeling of acceptance. A sense of belonging. 

Acceptance is something I am really struggling with right now. Maybe it stems from a lifetime of trying to be perfect and never feeling like I belong, always wanting others to accept me as some proof that I am normal. Can't I just be normal by my own definitions? Why do I have to rely on others to delineate normalcy for me?

But still I do. If I see others receive attention or friendship without me, I wonder what is wrong with me that I am not included. I feel I am normal for someone with my frame of reference. For what I have been thorough, my actions can be expected. But I long for more, and I quit whatever I am doing when I feel I am not perceived as part of normal.

For example, at work I quit trying to be friends with my colleagues because I sense they feel I am different. So I'm keeping my distance. But in keeping my distance I'm not giving others the chance to find out that my “normal” might be quite good. What I am doing instead is leaving others before they can leave me.

And while I know that is what I'm doing, I don't know if it will change. I've been judged too much in my life to hang around and be tolerant of others continuing to tell me I'm different. And, also, while different can be good, people don't want to stick around long enough to find out.

But then I think on what Theodore Roosevelt said: “It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”

I am a fighter. I do not lay down for anyone. If I have to keep failing at friendship and acceptance, then so be it. But . . . just maybe . . . there is one person who can accept us for who we are and what we can offer. I hope it's worth all the pain to finding out.

I'm over this.
(This post was written in partial protest by members with differing opinions.) That's normal? Right? :-)


SynthGirl said...

Missing, I cry a tear for the you in the mirror that I am all too familiar with appearing in my own.

More so, I cry a tear for the you's and the me's BEHIND the mirror -- the strong and free ones that long to dance unhindered, without these old chains.

I think I understand. At the very least, you make good sense. I believe in the YOU that is a fighter, and the YOU that never has failed at trying to succeed... and I believe that your (as I call "Little Ones") less apparently strong parts WILL heal, bit by bit, like patina being buffed off old copper to reveal the true SHINE beneath...!

Hope I made sense -- never REALLY know if I do, haha.

-- SynthGirl :O)

castorgirl said...

I sometimes wonder if anyone feels normal and as if they fit in? Seems as if people who look as if they are comfortable within themselves, are also full of doubts... maybe it's about finding others with the same doubts? I'm not sure...

I hope you managed to make it through Christmas alright...

Take care,