Sunday, March 04, 2012
Are you there God? It's me.
My eyes are blurry and my head is fuzzy. The tears keep breaking the ledge and blazing a trail down my face. I have taken one too many meds. The migraine has pounded consistently today, as it has the last week and longer.
I really don’t know what is wrong with me, and I have no one to tell. I have pushed Therapist away; we won’t see him for several weeks. I didn’t mean to push him away, but I’ve been so dissociative this week that it just happened. My members have been so active that it is beyond description and explanation. I fail at words.
I’ve been student teaching the last 3 months. The last three weeks seem to really be worse, and I haven’t been completely present for them. I feel the switches take over me during the classes. I notice that my brain dissolves and the content knowledge seeps away. I ask a question but don’t remember what I’ve asked, much less the answer. I am losing time. I feel myself become someone different. It is not safe for me to be in a classroom. It’s not that the students are in danger; it’s that I am in danger. I am finding myself becoming emotional and teary in front of them.
Away from the classroom, my coping skills have revolved around alcohol, prescription meds, and more prescription meds.
One of my classes is a remedial class, and they have been abusive to me. One of the girls called me a “white n”, a derogatory word used for black people. Irony is that she is black herself. The day this happened ended I called my university supervisor sobbing. I haven’t stopped crying since. I left school this particular day and got so drunk I believe I had alcohol poisoning. I took sedative drugs and passed out after I made myself throw up. I’ve done this twice. Yesterday Husband and I went out on a date to a movie. I had been bawling all day so badly and had a migraine so terrible that I took his prescription tranquilizers, some of mine, and my migraine meds. I ended up bawling in the middle of the movie, then passing out. Husband tried to rouse me, but to no avail. I woke up five minutes after the movie ended and credits rolled. After I got home, I went to bed and I didn’t wake up again until 12 hours later.
I’ve been bawling today till my stomach hurts. I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. It’s so bad I can’t catch my breath. Something hurts my heart and my members so badly it can’t be named. I keep having flashbacks of people hurting me. The uncle. The neighbor. I’m having flashbacks of hiding in my closet, and I can see everything around me like I’m really sitting in there. And I cry and cry and cry. And it won’t go away. And I don’t know what this has to do with student teaching. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
The irony is that for a while, the tears felt good. For weeks I’ve been numb and rock-like. Cold and distant. Just blank. Once I started crying I felt better. I could feel the refreshment of pain again, and it was a relief. But I’m over it now. The pain is too much. I’m ready for the numbness.
I am really trapped. I need help. And I really don’t know where to go from here. I am hiding during the most important semester of my life, and I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. God, help me.