Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Trouble Ahead

The content of this post is frightening me. Rereading it, I can't believe I'm going to hit the "publish" button. It serves to show how desperate I am.

This is the only place I have to turn to right now. I have no friends to talk to. No therapist to listen to me.

I knew I was in trouble earlier. I wanted to binge and purge. I don’t know why. I had been dreaming of it ever since last night. I managed to stave it off last night but this morning I was unaccountably anxious, so I took two of my tranquilizers and one of Husband’s. It did put me to sleep, but only shortly, and, sure enough, I was dealing with the same feelings of anxiety and punishment. I text four friends and FB’d that I was having a hard time and wanted to meet for coffee. But by the time the first person got back to me it was already too late. I was at the grocery store, pj’s on, buying supplies. I got home, didn’t stop till I was nauseous, and gave it all to the toilet. I made sure every bite was gone, throwing up till there wasn’t even bile left. It was a b/p with a vengeance. Now I feel sick and weak and don’t know how I’m going to work tonight.

At least I’m not vanilla anymore. I cried real tears, felt real emotions. I don’t know why I cried. Perhaps because I feel like crap, perhaps because I feel hopeless, don’t see a way out this time. I’m not in control of this behavior. I’m the puppet and they are pulling the strings.

I really do want more for myself. But these feelings get turned on and off by remote. Not by me. Someone else is pulling the strings on this disordered eating and I don’t know why. My abusers killed me so long ago. I don’t know if I’ll ever see the light of day.

My primal instinct is to not allow Therapist to see this. I hope I can make one small step toward health and recovery by sharing this with him. It won’t be easy at all. He doesn’t understand.

2 comments:

Paul said...

I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. In my opinion, there is no larger sapper of energy than eating issues. Can you talk to someone?? Get help from someone?

Ivory said...

OMG, I hope you are feeling better now than when you wrote this. It's just awful to know someone else is in control of you. But, the best thing, is to take it to your therapist - that part you are in control of. I send you strengh and warmth to move past this.