Wednesday, November 03, 2010

The Irrelevant

Since nobody reads this I feel I can be quite open and honest. I am doing better than I was, but still not okay. School is extremely difficult. I made a B on my test and it depressed me for the rest of the day. I hate feeling like this. It is really disheartening to try so hard and nothing good comes from my effort.

I fantasized about what I would write when I logged on here tonight, but now my courage has evaporated into nothing. There is something particularly bothering me and I can't tell anyone about it. I have been having disturbing sexual dreams about someone. These are dreams where I'm making out with someone I really don't want to, or dreams where this person is trying to have sex with me and I'm trying to stop it. These dreams include being spied on in the shower. I don't know why I would dream of this person. This person hates me and I hate him, although I don't know why.

I feel like I desperately need to reach for my eating disorder. It's the only one that can understand me. We're getting along okay. There are moments or restriction and moments of purging. Before this past summer I was getting to a place where I was growing more comfortable with my body and my eating was more normal. I was working-out and feeling good. I don't realize what's going on with me.

My life has become totally irrelevant to me. I don't live it; i just watch it. Watch in horror as someone else takes notes, does homework, cooks, drives, and plays social. I share this with no one. I ate tonight and now I must punish myself with fire.

If I just pretend nothing happened, then nothing happened. I want to reach out to somebody and cry right now and share my scary dreams, but I can't. What would it mean to tell? I would be wrong and look stupid for talking about something that didn't happen. It would make me look like I wanted something to happen, like I was trying to make things worse than they are. And I'm really not. I just want to find the me that got lost so long ago. I want to become pertinent, relevant to my life. I want to walk down the street and feel like I belong among the human race, and not some freak who can't cope or maintain friendships or fake like she is normal.

I feel a little left out and rejected right now. There are a group of ladies who seemed interested in me. We have some things in common. Every time I asked them for coffee there was a reason why they couldn't go. I don't bother asking them anymore. Now they don't seem interested in me at all.

That's all I have to say tonight. Just that I'm scared.

2 comments:

Ivory said...

You can't control your dreams. It doesn't matter what's in them, you don't create it or control the content once it's began. Maybe the dream is of the hated guy simply because you thot of him sometime during the day and your brain is processing the repulsive feeling you felt - repulsive to see him, repulsive to have him wanting sex with you. Don't beat yourself up so badly. I read - I care.

castorgirl said...

Getting a B is good! Look at all the things going on with your life... a B is awesome in that context. It might not be the grade you want, but it's a excellent grade, everything considered.

I'm not sure about the dreams. Sometimes dreams can be meaningful, sometimes they're just a release for our sub-conscious. Now you've broached the subject here, can you talk about it elsewhere too?

I understand the fake thing... I'm sorry you feel that way.

Take care,
CG