Tuesday, March 30, 2010

"It's always something."

I woke up to myself this morning. I felt unreal but more like my real self than I had in days. I quickly did a backwards inventory of Monday, Sunday, Saturday, and Friday. I couldn't find myself in any of those days. I scurried around the house looking for traces of my existence over the weekend. What I found were items that did not equal me. I found a newly purchased latch hook kit, a sun catcher, two tops, 3 bras, and 2 pair of shoes. That doesn't include the e-mails I received from various vendors stating they had received my order and it would ship shortly. And when I went to view your blogs and postings I saw I had comments unpublished. They led me to a post I don't recall writing.

Apparently I had an adventurous Fri-Mon. I am quite displeased. I got an e-mail from Therapist in response to an e-mail I apparently sent to him. No, we did not go to our appointment Monday. I haven't been this out of it in a long time and my thoughts wander to what set off my being left out of the loop.

The only thing I can think of is the meeting with Dietitian Thursday night. Seeing Dietitian was a mostly conjoined effort. The lack of eating, the guilt around eating, the over-exercising needed to be dealt with, so we met with Dietitian. Of course, the members that carry out the eating disorder behavior aren't too thrilled about being told when and what to eat and how much to exercise, so I'm guessing that the revolution beginning Friday was in part due to them. The trail of loot left behind is a strong clue that points to them as well.

I knew I was crazy before but now I know for sure. You see, while Friday through Monday there was all this bitching about not exercising and being off the meal plan, there has been more bitching today about being ON the meal plan. If that don't cross a grasshopper's eyes I don't know what will. We exercised today, we've been active, haven't laid around a lot, and adhered to our meal plan. So why should we feel guilty when we eat? Someone felt bad for being off the meal plan a few days ago and I feel bad now for being on the meal plan. It doesn't equate. I just ate dinner and maybe that's why I feel bad. I feel fat if I don't eat; I feel fat if I do.

It's just like Roseanne Roseannadanna would say on SNL, "It's always something." :)

2 comments:

Grace said...

You're not crazy, although I understand why you feel that way - I hate it when that that happens (that's a coined phrase from somewhere too, I think)~ I have sent countless emails to to people, mostly going off on the therapist! I've had other indiscretions, and have found myself in an untold number of situations that I am nto able to explain. Also have received orders from amazon and ebay that I don't remember ordering.
For me, the dissociation gets worse when there is something "stressful" going on that I cannot deal with emotionally (a "shameful" disclosure in therapy, stress at home, work, flashback I am unable to handle emotionally). Is there maybe something like that happening for you now?

Ivory said...

maybe you have an alter who need a therapy session of her own. I have one who goes sometimes and my life always gets better. I'm sorry you have had a rough couple of days. Frankly, I'm glad you are back, I was getting worried.