Saturday, March 06, 2010

I'm okay, I'm not okay

I'm disgusted with myself. I can't break the cycle of restrictive eating. I don't know if I even want to. Then today I committed a cardinal sin: I weighed myself. I thought I might have lost a little weight the way Husband has been talking and getting worried. But no. Not one ounce.

I can't account for it. And so I disgust myself. I can't even lose weight the right way. I'm a terminal loser.

Tonight was so painful. All I wanted to do was rest at home. I had a 2 hour workout at the gym and every muscle ached. I couldn't move another muscle. Unfortunately, I had promised my goddaughter I would take them to the mall. And for anyone trying to restrict, it's not a safe place to be. We first went to the food court because she was hungry. There must have been two hundred people there eating all the delicious food that I wanted but couldn't let myself have. As we walked by the vendors, the smells of the offerings was so tempting and it made me mad and rebellious. The first part was mad I couldn't eat any and the second part was rebellious because she didn't want any fucking food anyway and she wouldn't be weak that way.

Now I'm back at home after hard core browsing. I did buy my eleven year old alter some bangle bracelets. I had a discussion with her today while we were looking through a fashion magazine and she said she wanted bracelets. I'm trying to do more and more things for my alters, but to be honest, I can't bear to journal with them. There are other alters I need to talk to but I'm too scared to write to them. I'm scared of everything. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep.

There's more, but I'm too give out to continue.
Take care.

3 comments:

Grace said...

(((missing in sight)))
It is neither wise nor advisable for me to be surfing the internet, reading blogs written by people I care about - because I am not in a place where I can encourage.
I get the restricting thing - we are in that state right now too. And we went to a pot luck for dear son's basketball end of season...and couldn't eat.
I am here- reading....and I care...

Ivory said...

Hang in there - at least you are aware of the problem and understand the need to be careful. I bet your goddaughter loved the fact that you were with her and you were wonderful to have gone.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you are in this place... Please know we are thinking about you!