Thursday, June 04, 2009

Anger times infinity

Friedrich Nietzsche said, "Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment."

This was the quote for my daily mediation today. I have to admit I've fallen prey to resenting the majority of my life and those who've played a role in its demise.

It's natural to resent being hurt, but if I'm TRULY honest with myself, I've made a career out of resenting those that have dishonored me and abused me. But I don't know how to not be angry and resentful.

Those people hurt me deeply, seemingly irrevocably. How do you get over that? How do you get beyond the anger and resentment? More therapy, indeed.

I'm calling myself out about being eaten alive with hate, anger and resentment. I realize this only halts my progress into a world where I can fully live without being triggered by the anything and everything. People on the outside would never know how damaged I am inside because I put on a front. I have members who are responsible for interacting in the real world. But I'm not at peace and never will be until we can let go.

As I write this it sounds to familiar to the post we wrote about forgiveness. Bad topic. I won't forgive, so if forgiveness means I have to let go of the anger and resentment, then tough shit.

But maybe it's not mutually exclusive. Maybe we can still let go of anger and not forgive. Anger is just a warning sign that something has hurt us. I don't even know what I'm angry at, just that I'm angry. To be honest, and I know some of the blogging community thinks this is bull shit, but I have a member dedicated to anger. It is her job to hold the anger; it's her defense mechanism and the way she keeps people at arms length.

I know she can protect us through other means, but the anger is so much easier for her to revert to. Not everybody is out to get us.

But I'm off track and my thoughts are easily being tumbled and foggy. The issue on the table is letting go of anger and resentment. Anger is a message that something isn't right, and we've gotten the message. The abuse wasn't right, but we can't go back in time. And anger can't be fixed just by acknowleding that the abuse wasn't our fault. So we honestly don't know where to go with this post. We don't know how to get rid of the anger.

Maybe it's something time takes care of. Maybe acknowledging the abuse wasn't our fault will stop us from punishing ourselves, but that takes time. Feelings of guilt, anger, resentment are all tied together. How to untie them is a good question. Moving forward depends on handling the anger towards our abusers, ourselves, and the world.

I find this post flabbergasting. I started it out with one angle on anger, feeling I had answers, and now I've done a 180 degree turn. I don't know how I feel or what it will take to let the anger go. I've confused myself.

Anyone have any thoughts?

4 comments:

Ivory said...

My T tells me that forgiveness isn't saying "it's okay." He says it's more of allowing us to point in a new direction and get a new perspective, thereby letting the anger fall by the wayside along with the trash who harmed us.

Sounds simple, but I have yet to accomplish it myself. I do understand, tho, that as long as we hang on to the anger/pain, we are allowing the abusers to control our thots and actions. I try very hard to avoid this, but even then...

Work on a new day, I wish you well.
Ivory

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Your post got me to thinking: Have I ever forgiven those who hurt me? I think about it and I'm not even sure I have an answer. In some ways I think I have, but in other ways I think I haven't. I don't think about it really. I think I just accept that it all happened. Period.

So, I'm not sure if anger and forgiveness are mutually exclusive or not. My gut tells me they are not. That if you can learn to accept what happened to you, not necessarily forgive, and still forge ahead with your life, then you will be okay. I think you can find peace and let go somewhat. I think this is what healing is about.

But anger is perhaps not so negative that you make it out to be. I think anger is healing if we can learn to incorporate it into more of our whole being and moderate it some. Anger is motivating. It creates power. I don't want to let go of anger, I want to channel it.

I think you do have a lot of the answers. But you just need to sit with it a bit longer. Good luck.

Paul.

Ivory said...

Oh, I have many thots, all of the matching your own confusion.

You have plotted my own most difficult issues with this post. I still struggle with forgiveness: what it is, how to attain it, and why forgive.

I hope you find the answers.

Ivory

Missing In Sight said...

Thanks Ivory and Paul for your comments. Forgiveness and anger are so tough for survivors. I'm still sorting it out but your comments gave me the validation I needed.

Thanks for reading my post.

Stay strong and take care.