I hate myself.
Thursday, September 07, 2017
I don’t feel well. I have been dissociative, spacey, and dizzy all evening. There’s a sense of urgency to write, and I can’t escape it. I must, I must, I must eject what’s in this crazy, demanding head.
I was anxious this morning, but I knew I would be taking my dog Maybelline for a walk and that would help dissipate some anxiety, and it did. After our walk, my anxiety lessened until this evening.
But this evening the anxiety shot back up, and the dissociation made it impossible to think and speak clearly. I’ve had some things on my mind today, and I’m wondering if there is any correlation to my dissociation and anxiety. These are not things of which I want to write, and I’m angry that I’m being pushed into doing it.
I don’t know if I’ve written about it before on this blog, but these memories came crashing into my head today, fresh and new, and I feel the need to document it. I don’t know why it’s necessary to write on it, but I feel something propelling me forward.
What has my brain so rattled is the memory of me as a child sleeping on the floor because I was afraid of my bed. Stupid, right? I don’t know exactly when it started, but I was somewhere between the ages of 7 through 9. But that’s just a guess. My memory just starts with me sleeping on the floor because I didn’t want to sleep in my bed. The bed seemed scary. I just remember finding sleeping on the floor comforting. The next thing I remember is sleeping on the floor in the bathroom. I honestly don’t know why I moved from sleeping on my bedroom floor to the bathroom floor, but something made me seek shelter in the bathroom.
For years I slept anywhere other than a bed until I got married; of course then I started sleeping in the same bed as my husband, although there are still some nights that the couch is safer than the bed.
Why does this matter? I don’t know. Perhaps it doesn’t. I don’t attach meaning to it, but somewhere inside I felt the desperate need to share it. I know the writing is paltry, skimpy and scattered. It is very dispassionate and non-descriptive, and it doesn’t really paint a picture of what was going on at the time. But I don’t have a clear picture, and I don’t understand why it was so important to write about it tonight. But I couldn’t not write. As stupid as it sounds, writing this tonight was for survival.
I hate myself.
I would love to hear from those reading this. Am I alone here? Have you ever experienced your bed being scary, or would you sleep in strange places?