Sunday, December 30, 2012
The Miserable Ones
It's not insignificant; it's my life; it's my mood. I thought I had made peace with my obsession, but my definition of self-respect, self-worth, and confidence is still determined by my weight.
I only wear sweat pants so no one can see the shame layered on my hips and thighs. I don't want to leave the house because I'm too fat, and the house is tired of sheltering me and my insecurities, tired of hiding me inside her judgmental walls. But I'm too afraid to leave the house at this weight.
I really don't want to live at this number. I'm not suicidal, but I would rather be dead than be this fat.
And I can only guess my re-awakened obsession with my fat might have to do with the nightmares and memories reminding me even more of my shame and damage.
And I'm upset. I miss Therapist, and we don't see him for another week and a half. We don't know where to turn for support. We have no one.
It doesn't matter anymore.
"He that lives upon hope will die fasting." ~ Benjamin Franklin
“Life has killed the dream I dream.” ~ Les Miserable