Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Miserable Ones

It's not insignificant; it's my life; it's my mood. I thought I had made peace with my obsession, but my definition of self-respect, self-worth, and confidence is still determined by my weight.  

 I only wear sweat pants so no one can see the shame layered on my hips and thighs. I don't want to leave the house because I'm too fat, and the house is tired of sheltering me and my insecurities, tired of hiding me inside her judgmental walls. But I'm too afraid to leave the house at this weight.

I really don't want to live at this number. I'm not suicidal, but I would rather be dead than be this fat.

And I can only guess my re-awakened obsession with my fat might have to do with the nightmares and memories reminding me even more of my shame and damage.

And I'm upset. I miss Therapist, and we don't see him for another week and a half. We don't know where to turn for support. We have no one.

It doesn't matter anymore.  

"He that lives upon hope will die fasting." ~ Benjamin Franklin

Life has killed the dream I dream.” ~ Les Miserable

1 comment:

SynthGirl said...

Oh, I can sooooooo relate! What beautiful, truthful words are these:
"...the house is tired of sheltering me and my insecurities..."

You are not alone, because your words echo many hearts, including my own.
Stretch out your hand, Dear, and feel how close you are to others. Ones that UNDERSTAND.

Shame's whole purpose is to alienate us. Healing's purpose is to reunite us, make us whole.
Read me, read others. KNOW how you fit in.

And the quote yours triggers in me is:
"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick"...
(somewhere in Psalms -- don't have the will to look it up ATM...)

-- SynthGirl