Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Unfortunately, I have a dream ~ speech

Thank you to everyone who read and posted before! I truly didn't think anyone would remember me1 It reminds me of how much I love and miss my on-line community. Thanks, again.


I had a dream about abuser "A" last night. Birth-mother and birth-father were in the dream, and I think the girls may have been there also. In my dream abuser "A." was still trying to smooth things over without confessing what he did. I kept fast to my stand that he did it. I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t admit to it. I told him we both know he did it, but he denied. There was a sense of chumminess and a wanting him to like me in the dream. A sense of friendliness had developed between us. I wonder what the real life message is in that a. Did I give in to abuser "A." because I wanted him to like me the way he did the brother? Did I submit to him so he would like me, or maybe because it was affection and I liked feeling special? It sickens me.

In the dream we kept trying to go off by ourselves so to talk, but the “family” members would not let us. It wasn’t out of concern for me. It was because they were so damn nosy. The brother was in the dream. He kept eavesdropping, but that was his only role in the dream, other than being vicious to me.

These dreams are maddening. They wouldn’t be as bad if they stopped in the night but they carry over into the day and re-alert me to their presence. I will forget about the dreams and then suddenly something brings it back to mind. The internal switching is bad right now. I have taken a tranquilizer and sometimes that helps them calm down, but not so much right now.

I have noticed that a lot of the internal switching, which I mention here, happens when I’m doing schoolwork. Normally, schoolwork has been given to one of the members, but lately it seems a different member is helping out. Maybe that’s because of all the writing we have to do.

I am excited to say that on Thanksgiving I will be jogging a 5k with a friend, maybe two, from EDA. We just want to have fun with it. I’m not much of a runner or jogger, but I look at it more like a social experience than anything. I think we might dress up in costumes. It’s just another chance for me to be around people and try to be social. We can carb up the night before, that is if three people with intense fear of food will carb up. If I have to , I can run on adrenaline alone.

1 comment:

Ivory said...

Sorry about your dream, but you should be very proud of making a wonderful decision to get out there and run on Thanksgiving!