Friday, February 05, 2010

From 0 to 60

It's a painfully slow post. It's been brewing for days but, understandably, never comes to fruition. For most of the week I've been blank. Blank as in blank. Lifeless. Disconnected. Empty. Deserted. Abandoned. Meaningless.

When I tried to explain this to Therapist yesterday he didn't get it. I grappled for words. I felt inside prison walls that I just wanted to escape. (Thank you Victoria for these words.) I don't know what can be more hellacious than being blank. You feel worthless, like an outsider.

Therapist thinks being blank is another way to avoid discussing the painful details of my life. I have to agree; it just make so much sense. We are trying to be aware when we are avoiding circumstance and we really want to break the pattern, but I don't know how to get out of the blankness.

But no matter, today they pulled me out of the blankness. We went from 0 to 60, from blank to depressed and bothered in the blink of an eye. Seemed that since they were all so silent this week they had to bombard me this morning with switching and constant twirling thoughts. Nothing that brings me refuge.

So it's raining in Georgia and I haven't found a good reason to get out of bed. I realize Randy, if you're reading this, that I'm just avoiding. What I'm avoiding I don't know. Life seems too hard today to do anything but hide under the covers or watch Captain Jack Sparrow. I know this will pass. I need to privately journal with my members and find out what's going on. Easier said than done when they don't communicate back.

On the one bright spot, I filled out an on-line application for a seasonal summer job for which I've been hoping to get. Just to fill out the application was an accomplishment. I hate applying for jobs. They ask about dates of employment, supervisors' names, job duties. All the stuff I can't remember. Does anyone else have trouble with this? Well, I'm trying to keep this positive, as positive as I can be glued to the bed.

Well, despite the obstacles, I applied for a job. Yeah, us!


Ivory said...

I sometimes go blank, too only it's usually because I've just come back to myself and don't really know what is going on. I also experience the OMG, what now?. There is so much of my life I don't remember. My T finally told me to fake it. So - I fake it. I've found out that it smooths things over for me and lets the attention pass off to someone else. Works like a charm. Also, in the process, I get the chance to hide emotionally until I can figure out what I need to be knowing, remembering, or doing. I also keep notes, lots and lost of stickies! Stickies, Stickies Everywhere!!! Heart stickies, puppy stickies, checkered stickies... my life is filled with colorful wonderful stickies... well, you get it.

But in all seriousness - being blank is sometimes a lifesaver. Blank has carried me thru some tough times even tho it isn't so comfortable itself. Hopefully, you will pass this time quickly and have it be only a confusing memory.

Clueless said...

Congratulations on filling out the job application!!

I too know that my "blankness" is a defense and it keeps me stuck, so that I avoid going anywhere. Sometimes, it means I have a lot in my head that I just don't want to verbalize or that I've numbed out, so that I don't have to deal with things. We are never truly blank...just have difficulty accessing myself.

Wandering Coyote said...

Good for you for taking the step with the job application! I hope you get the job! I think it'll be a good thing in so many ways! I also find it intimidating to put together job applications and resumes; I also hate trying to find references. But it's worth it in the end. I just started a new job myself and so far so good!

Take care of yourself!