Saturday, June 20, 2009

Sounds of silence

I haven't posted lately. I've been quiet. At least on the outside. Things are revving up on the inside. I haven't posted because I have nothing to say. I'm reading everyone else's post and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

Why don't I have anything to contribute? Why don't I have anything special to offer the blogging community? Why am I such a loser?

More specifically, why am I so fat? Why is everyone better than me? Why can't I hold down a job? Why is everyone prettier than me? Why, why, why, why, why this, why that, why what?

I feel hopeless and think I would be better off dead. I AM NOT, I REPEAT, I AM NOT suicidal. Would it matter if I were? Wouldn't my family be better off without me? I would be better off without me.

Does this sound like I feel sorry for myself? I don't. I feel nothing but contempt for myself. I hate myself and it just won't go away.

1 comment:

Ivory said...

Missing,
I could say all the things that your therapist would say, like, we would all miss you (we would), what about your family (what about them?). I could even suggest you go see your T (maybe you should).

All this week, I have felt the same. I want to be able to lose weight, I wish I had friends, I wish I could contribute something useful, why is my job beginning to suck, why?

Truth is, when I feel like this, I sometimes sit back and just read. The best thing to happen to me has been the blogging community. I understand that each of us cannot always post and post and post with out burn out. My T even "forbids" me from getting online sometimes because I get buried in it and start having problems.

I think you did what you should have done - let everyone know you are in a slump. I bet you find a lot of support to hold you up until your "bloggers writer's block" is over!

Really, I care about you and I don't expect mountains of contributions from anyone. Hang in there, take some time away, or just read until inspiration comes.

I have found support and insight and experience here, I'm sure I'll see more...