To You

I want you to hear the words I can not speak.  I want you to search for me where I’ve been forced into hiding.  I want a safe, warm hug from you where only coldness lives.  I want you to help me to cry when I can not face the tears myself.  I want you to help me as I’m forbidden from being human. 

There is more to me that meets the eye, and I need you to know it.

M.I.A.

I am missing in sight.  You will look for me, but you will not find me.  My words you won’t understand, my writing you won’t know.  I am disappearing in plain sight.  Please don’t look for me.  I surrender.

It's all over but the crying

I have told him I want a separation.  I’ve moved into the guest bedroom.  Every step I take away from him he is a bewildered little boy, not understanding how this could happen to him.  Whatever he’s wondering, it’s been happening a year and a half.  I feel I’ve told him every step of the way what his behavior would lead to.  But inevitably, according to him, it’s my entire fault.  

He says my internal system doesn’t communicate well enough.  (Well, god damn, why didn’t he just say so and I would have fixed it already!)

He says he only married one of us; he didn’t bargain for the plural lifestyle. 

He says I take him for granted. 

He says other things, but I don’t remember what they are.  I ask him to write them down.  He says no.

I know he feels alone.  He has alluded to suicide several times.  I doubt my decision to leave sometimes.  I keep asking myself if it’s really that bad that I would betray the covenant I swore before God.  The only reason it’s not bad right now is because we aren’t really talking.  But it is that bad. 

I’m grasping at straws for how to cope.  The negative thoughts slink back in, wanting me to hurt myself some way or another, some way to be able to catch my breath and fill this hole in my heart.  Anything to numb out.  Any way to make myself think of something else.  I would very much like to melt away.

Cheers to complications!

TRIGGER WARNING

********Talk of intimacy and sexuality *******

I told Therapist recently that I didn’t think the problem was with my marriage; it was with me.  While the trouble with my marriage isn’t that it’s all me, all of it has to do with me.  I don’t know any more if I dislike Husband, or I just want to be with someone else.  I know for sure I don’t want to be married again, and I long for the days when we become independent and self-sufficient.  And that will happen this semester when we are done with student teaching, we graduate, and enter the work force (hopefully). 

The issue is more complicated.  The issue is I want to be with a woman, not a man.  Every time I am *with* Husband, I feel sullied and unclean.  Recently we were intimate and I started crying the tears of a child half way through.  When Husband had finished, the tears wouldn’t stop.  We curled up and sobbed.  Husband said he was sorry, but we commented that even though he’s sorry he keeps doing it; he keeps asking for it.  He said it made it him feel like an abuser.  And yet, he keeps asking.  And that makes us look at him like an abuser, which makes intimacy even more difficult. 

There is a woman in the vast outer reaches of our life with whom we are attracted.  And it seems she is attracted to us.  We saw her yesterday, and she hugged us twice.  We get butterflies in the stomach when we think of her.  And we think of her a lot. 

And that is that.  It’s complicated.  Not all of us are on board with being with a woman.  Leaving Husband?  Maybe.  But not because a woman is involved.

But, cheers to complications and shutting my eyes!  They make the inertia of this life seem even less tolerable.   *insert sarcasm*

The Bitch and the Blank

No news on the separation with Husband.  It hasn’t taken place yet.  It’s just one day at a time.  I don’t think I could live with myself if I left him.  The guilt would sweep me away.  I always wanted to be married for life.  What does it say about me that I vowed my life to someone and now I want to say “just kidding”?  I will feel like the ultimate failure.

In the meantime, I have other things to worry about.  I am student teaching in my final semester of ungrad course work.  It is a huge struggle, and I am dealing with feelings of frustration with silly Therapist.  I was trying to explain to him how hard it is for me to student teach with my switching and lack of organizational skills and anxiety.  All he could say was that it was great I was getting along with my Cooperating Teacher and the rest of the staff.  I have so much crap stacked against me that I don’t see how it’s possible for me to succeed.  Yet, he glosses over that.  It’s like he won’t give in to my assessment of myself.  He is either ignorant or stubborn.  Maybe both.  It’s frustrating and it feels invalidating.  He just doesn’t get it.  I want someone to understand and maybe agree, because it feels better than someone contradicting what I already know.

I have been blank lately.  No feelings.  No emotions.  Desolate and abandoned.  I hate feeling this way.  I can connect to nothing.  I know they are hiding scared.  Growing up is so hard to do, and I don’t want to do it.  And telling myself I don’t have what it takes to be a teacher is the only way I can feel anything right now.  And I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all.