Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Disturbia

I find it disturbing and disruptive. The people behind my eyes are active and I feel pressure in my head. Does anyone else get that way when the switching is intense?

They switch back and forth, never landing on a single personality. I'm switching as I write this. They chase my thoughts away and never look back. I don't know what they want. Sometimes the switches come with memories, sometimes not. For now, the memories are silent and I am grateful.

I am scared of my members. They are scared of me, too. (A voice just told me that.) I know it sounds bad, but I'm glad they are scared of me. I can handle that. That tells me they aren't holding out because they want to punish me or hurt me. We are all hurting and holding ourselves tightly. I grapple for words.

Things have been extraordinarily difficult since our therapy session yesterday. Members were out that have never been out before. It's too much. Therapist says we can trust him, that he 's never hurt us before.

True that, but it doesn't make someone autonomously safe. More is at stake.

Reflecting on Therapist's potential to hurt us, it is concluded that he would not hurt us. He's been generous in many ways. And we know our goal is to stop avoiding the unpleasant, so we know we should just put it all out there.

Thought it's taken the reader all but 30 seconds to read thus far, know that I've sat speechless, unable to write, for twenty minutes. Words are taken away. I stare into space while the switches batter me around.

Some feel Therapist put us in our place yesterday. Some feel he was mean. I believe Therapist's words were: "supportingly confrontational." Whatever the hell it was it has taken us aback and left us disconcerted. He feels we are avoiding work and school but he is wrong. School is not an option as long as members think they can be out in class and take hours out of primary member's memory.

Other than getting through the switching, it has been a "productive" day. I call it productive when I simply get out of bed and put my makeup on. With D. out of work, we spend our days together, so I'm forced to get out of bed. We ran errands today and took our dogs for a walk. I went over to C. and O. 's house and helped O. with her Social Science work. All in all, it was a slow and easy day.

I'm tired now and I hate this mess of shifting thoughts. Regret will probably make me delete this post later as I feel embarrassed about how scattered I am.

2 comments:

Ivory said...

Oh, don't delete it! I think it's important for people to know what it's like to be us. And by that, I want to add that they have no reason to be afraid of us. I know others have difficult lives, too, but blogging helps to give them insight. I hope your tomorrow brings better feelings and less switching.

beautifuldreamer said...

I get the pressure in my head too when I switch, also a tingling at the back of my neck, my eyes get red as if I'm stoned . . . oh who knows what other symptoms?

I'm glad you didn't delete this. And I know what it's like to sit for 20 minutes trying to finish the next sentence of a blog post!

So much in this I could relate to. I think my parts may be scared of me too--why not, seeing as how I rarely nurture them? Why should they trust me?