Look who's taking risks.

I took two risks today. I was sitting in A.N.A.D. (Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders.) After the meeting began and the silence was deafening, I broke the silence and offered up what I am struggling with. As I tweeted earlier today, I binged and purged this morning. So one of the risks I took was talking about it during the A.N.A.D. meeting. Normally I just sit in silence and listen. I DO NOT like speaking in front of others, and especially to strangers.

I guess I'm fortunate. The people that attend A.N.A.D. also attend the Saturday E.D.A. (Eating Disorders Anonymous) so we are all familiar with each other and know some of each other's stories. So I told everyone that I had "acted out" as we cryptically say. I didn't know why I had the urge to binge and purge. It grew out of feelings from last night.

After I had my dinner, I started having the urge to binge and purge. I didn't know why. I felt full and satiated from dinner. So I told my husband, D., that I was struggling with these urges and he sat with me until it was snack time. I was nervous about snack, that it would further spark urges to devour the kitchen sink, but I made it through snack okay. Then I took my meds that help me sleep and thirty minutes later I thought I had triumphantly handled my urges and fell asleep.

Wrong. I was not successful in reigning in my urges. BAM!!! As soon as I woke up this morning it was in my core, talking to me to binge and purge. I was dumbfounded that these urges followed me through sleep into the morning wake up. So I had breakfast, thinking that I would be full and not want to binge. Wrong again. I had a craving for more food, and I thought if I just handled my craving successfully I wouldn't want to binge and purge. Yeah. I was yet again wrong. My urge to binge mushroomed and before I knew it I was in the middle of a full scale binge and I had to purge it.

So these are the things I shared in group. I was scared as heck, but I did it anyway. What's the saying: feel the fear and do it anyway. And so I did. I get some really good feedback. Some one asked me how I expected the feeling to go away without dealing with it. I didn't address the feelings last night so, of course, they followed me into the morning.

The second risk I took was asking someone from the group if they would like to get coffee next week after the meeting. She agreed and said she was looking forward to it. I was scared to ask her and obligate myself to socializing with her. I don't have friends; I want friends but I find it exhausting. At least she knows a little bit about me. So I have the rest of this week and the beginning of next week to sweat it. But it's just coffee, right? So I'm committed to maybe thirty minutes to an hour. I can do it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I've got to do things differently if I want different results. And I want different results; I want life.

Where's Missing In Sight?

I don't know what to write. I've neglected my blog but not because I want to. I just don't know what is happening with me. To say my head is chaotic is an understatement.

Well, I guess I will start with the fact that insurance has me all but declared cure and has put me in what is called IOP, where I'm now going down to half days at the mental institution. So instead of going from 10:00am to 7:00pm, I'm going from 11-3. It is a big difference.

I'm not as connected to the program as I was nor the people. I don't like it and I've asked to be discharged, which I know is not a good idea. But being there for half days is like having my arm amputated and I can still feel the appendage. I'm still going there every day but I'm not connected with people. And especially today; when I walked in there were six new in-patients looking at wondering who the hell I was.

I don't get to meet with my dietician anymore. I have to see her on an outpatient basis. As if I want to. I avoid her like the plague. Everytime they come near you they are waving an increased meal plan in your face. Doesn't really matter anyway. I've ceased following my meal plan. I know I should follow it but I was feeling like I was getting too fat. Now I leave off snacks and dairies and some fruits. I've been working out too. Trust me, that's not good. I'm a compulsive exerciser.

I met with my case manager today and I cried. I NEVER cry. But I told her how estranged and disconnected I am with the program; I didn't even think anybody would meet with me this week, so when she asked me how I was I just broke down and cried. I feel neglected and think I would just do better as an outpatient.

Really the only reason they're holding on to me is they are waiting to hear back about residential treatment. I've told them the answer will be "no", residential will not be covered and for the treatment team not to get their hopes up. They know I'm a lost cause so they are banking on anything.

I feel lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel so disconnected and discombobulated. D. booked us a trip to Charleston, SC, a place I absolutely love more than anything. We figure we need to look forward to something; so, if the word about residential comes back "no", we still have something else to look forward to. I can take my broken, messed up, worthless self to Charleston and residential will not even enter my mind.

Maybe a little.

Friday was a crap day. I binged and purged so hard and so often I was close to going to the medical hospital. I binged on anything I could, even cake batter. How f-ed up is that?

I've been good since. D. has had to remove certain foods from the house that are more tempting, but really, lets be honest, if I will go to the trouble of mixing cake batter to binge on, then there is virtually no food off limits for my sick mind.

There's alot of self-loathing in me tonight. I don't know why. Someone does because I can feel the shifts; I can feel the others switching and sitting up front. I've one request of them and they won't honor it.

I've simply asked them to let me know who is upfront, who is taking over. Give me a freakin' name or feeling. But I get nothing. I disappear beside them, missing though in plain sight. Thus, my blog: Missing In Sight. It's a treasure hunt to find me. Where did I go this time? Who the f*&k is running the show.

These are questions I have (switch just now) and never get answers to. So, for the rest of the night I guess I'll keep switching and not know who I am or where I am. Where is Missing In Sight?

Who is writing while she's gone?

Welcome to the party

I had decided not to write, and the words just weren't in me. But I can not be silent for my own sake. My heart hurts. My soul aches and I can't do a damn thing about it. I'm stressed beyond tolerance; I'm broken down inside. I don't know how much more I can take.

I've been reduced from the full day program to the half day program and I am scared out of my mind. What will happen if I'm only half present? What will I do when the craving to binge and purge is beyond my ability to resist? I wasn't ready to go half day, but it is the reality. Now I just have to deal.

I'm so impatient with myself. I want to be recovered yesterday. I can't waste any more time. I look on the Internet at recipes for foods that I want to make, but I don't make them because I will eat them and I'm not ready for that. Recovery is a long and arduous process. In five minutes I am supposed to have my evening snack. I don't want it, but I know I don't have to want it in order to eat it. It will go down just the same.

I'm resigned to do what I need to do just for this moment. I can't worry about my next meal or my next snack. Only what's right here in front of me.

There is a tremendous sadness that is aligned with my thought processes tonight. I don't know why. Maybe it's just because I know I've lived with this disorder my whole life, and pile on a dissociative disorder that complicates the eating disorder just makes it worse. Life could be so much more than I know. Miley Cyrus may not think it's about what's "waiting on the other side" but for me it is. I'm climbing and it sucks every second of the way.

I know this sounds like a pity party, so welcome! I don't mean for it to. I guess I'm just trying to think outloud on the Internet.

Thanks for letting me share.

Better than a Klonipin

I did it. I'm not proud. I can't be left alone. I need a crazy-sitter.

Yes, I binged and purged tonight. I was afraid it would happen, and it did. I should feel more ashamed of what I did, but to be honest, purging made me feel better than taking a Klonipin.

Tonight is the first time I've been alone, and I knew when I kissed my husband goodbye that I might fall prey to ED. He had been circling above me all day, waiting to pounce on me, knowing he could tear in to me when I was alone.

It started with my dinner. I thought if I was full and satisfied from dinner that I wouldn't feel the need to binge and purge. I was wrong. The binging foods in the kitchen (there aren't many) were seducing me. And so I began.

I will spare you the graphic details. Suffice it to say, I was out of control. I purged the binge foods and my dinner. A week of sobriety erased away.

A coating of self hate resurrects, and I can barely find the words for this post. My head is already foggy. It's the perfect ending to a crappy day. I felt rebellious and defiant and obstinate all day. I didn't want to go to groups, I didn't want to eat snacks, and I damn sure didn't want my meal. I even asked to be discharged from the program. I'm tired of getting fat, and I know they are lying to me. Gaining this weight can't be good for me.

At the same time I know I'm wrong. I hate both sides of myself. I hate the healthy side and I hate the sick side. Tomorrow I need to march into the hospital and be honest but I'm scared. I feel five years old.

I need to reach out to people, but I am so scared of relationships. I'm scared to go get coffee with somebody because I feel my diagnosis of D.I.D. will interfere with relationships. The only support I have is my husband and that's too draining for him. I need other people in my life desperately, but people who can understand what it's like to have mental health issues. I need friends who are in it for the long haul. I don't want to open up, develop trust, and then be burnt.

I feel so alone.

If I owned tears I would use them right now.

Too much to ask for

I learned today that I can't cry tears. I must not have been born with tear ducts. I know how silly that sounds but I also know I haven't cried in months and I'm about due. I'm not ashamed to bawl my eyes out in front of others. I'm also not depressed to the point my tears are hijacked.

Another thought: could my medications be causing my inability to cry?

It's all because of them: the alters. I am simply their vessal, their conduit. I am nothing more than a blank slate to them. Any emotion I feel is generously provided by them. I have no emotion of my own originality. My identity, my existance, my substance is solely reliant upon them. I feel sad only when another alter whom is sad is present. I only feel anger when an angry alter comes forth. It is quite frustrating. I want to be myself in my own right. I don't want to ride the wave of emotions my alters give me.

They steal my tears, my thoughts, my decisions. I have nothing left for them to take. I can offer nothing that they don't have already. And do they give anything? No. Hell to the NO. I don't get any information about who they are, why they are, or how they are. I want to know them. I journal to them. When I feel another alter present with me or bearing down on me I journal and ask questions of them to try to get to know them. I feel like I get nothing back.

I asked one thing of them: when they are present to please give me a name or some other identifying mark so I could keep up with them. That didn't go over to well with them. No one wants to be identified. It's too dangerous.

So for too long I've felt stuck in therapy. I'm unmotivated and unsure where to go now. Today was so unproductive for me at the hospital. In fact, it was worse than unmotivating. It was triggering. One of the women in my group made a comment of a sexual nature and it brought bad memories to us. We were triggered right before heading into lunch. It raised our anxiety through the roof.

But I'm getting side tracked. I hate myself so much for not being further along in therapy. The only real progress I made was in residential treatment. Right now, I'm flat and burnt out in the partial hospitalization program. I'm getting nothing out of the groups. Everything they are doing I've already done before, that's how f-ing long I've been there. The only reason I keep going is for the structure around meals and snacks. Without that, I would be starving myself and exercising constantly.

I don't know what to do. I feel really despondant, hopeless, unmotivated, and stuck. I need help with my alters and how often we dissociate. I feel that time will never come. I need the alters help and they won't budge. They've fallen silent and will speak nothing. I only want to know who is sharing this body. That's not too much to ask for.

"Sleep perchance to dream"

I love that quote from Hamlet b/c it is part of the soliloquy where he reveals his thoughts about suicide. Just think it's poignant.

As for me, it's too early for bed, but an unatural urge for sleep has come over me. I know what it is: I have an alter that puts me to sleep to protect me from stress. Meanwhile, I'm about to drop off any moment. It will be a miracle if I look at this tomorrow and my thoughts are centrical to the theme of this post, if there is a theme. :) All I know is that heaven and hell are concurrently trying to drive me mad.

It's been a difficult weekend. The pendulum has swung back and forth several repeatedly. The angel on my shoulder telling me to eat my f-ing snack and the devil on the other side telling me to restrict. Truth be known, I've listened to both sides this weekend. The weekends are so hard for me. Friday night I was coming out of my skin with anxiety. During the week, my days are structured from 10:00 to 7:00 with the partial hospitalization program. I have two meals and two snacks there. All I'm responsible for is my breakfast and my evening snack, which is quickly coming upon me as I sit here typing this blog. On the weekends I'm obviously responsible for everything. That alone is a trigger. Today I had an immense urge to binge and purge, but I didn't. I got out of the house and went and did a light workout. I felt so much better afterwards. But I digress.

I'm worried about the sleepiness overpowering me and the eyelids that are heavy and closing. I worry that the alter is protecting me from the stress of having to eat with the birth parents at dinner. It was miserable. I hated the whole thing. My meal wasn't even good. It was supposed to be a vegetable salad but it came out with bacon on it (I'm vegetarian) and it didn't have the beets, edamame, or asparagus that was listed in the ingredients description. So not only did it suck that I had to eat with the bios, I had the suckiest meal. At least they paid.

I worry about the sleepingess because I don't want to be dissociative. The weekends are always harder and I'm afraid come tomorrow I won't be able to pull myself together. The last few weeks have been really tough and brought me in and out of in-patient hospitalization.

So if my alter IS trying to put me to sleep, the stressful meal with the bio. parents is why. I'm not close to the birth mother or father. I feel guilty, but I don't know what else to do. I hate it that it makes the birth mother cry.

Poor bio mom. So fragile, so vulnerable, so manipulative. She really thinks I love her. Me? Not so much. Insert tears.

If we weren't all crazy we'd just go insane.

That's a quote by Jimmy Buffet. I'm not sure that I'm not crazy AND insane, or if they are even mutually exclusive. I'm so lost inside the mess and dissociation that cradles my life. Having Dissociative Identity Disorder is like having a broken mind. My thoughts are disorganized. I remember face but not names of people I'm in treatment with for weeks. Time is totally distorted. My mind doesn't document events or happenings, and inevitably I get the fatal "Do you remember when you/we...?" My mind is so broken I can't adequately describe it.

You should have seen me in the grocery store this evening. I left my grocery list at home (I was pissed off!) and I was trying to remember the ingredients I needed to make tonight's dinner. I had a complete meltdown. I couldn't find the sauce mix my dietitian said would fit into my meal plan, I couldn't figure out if I wanted frozen veggies or if I wanted to steam veggies I have at home, and lastly I just threw some apples in a bag without inspecting them for bugs or bruises. If that's not crazy then I don't know what is.

So it's been an exhausting day. It started off by going to Eating Disorders Anonymous . Then D. and I went to Costco to keep my apple addiction alive and kicking. Still eating apples with salt. I keep being told it is eating disordered behavior. I don't care. It's good.

Went back to the homestead for lunch. I didn't want another veggie burger (I eat so many it's not even funny) so I stumbled upon an Amy's vegetarian dish in the freezer. Into the microwave it went and my painstaking dilemma about what to eat went with it.


The dissociation had been really bad since the 10:00am EDA meeting. I knew that my alters had been triggered and had "bothered" me since. I finally found some Imitrex and laid down for a while. When my head became only a moderately thumping pulse, D. drove me to get a full body wax which always relaxes me and makes me feel better. It didn't help with the switching, which has been switching constantly and bearing down behind my eyes since this morning. Even as I type I can sense them behind my eyes, peering over my shoulder, watching what I'm typing.

It stirs up an explosion with in me. I just want to go freakin' crazy or insane, something to give me relief. Seroquel just doesn't work and I'm suffering too much not to have something stronger.

I can say that I haven't binged so far, which is an improvement; however, I must admit to restricting. D. is too blind to notice. I didn't have my a.m. snack or my p.m. snack. I'm supposed to be having my night time snack now. But NOPE. I have no logical reason to restrict.

I just don't fucking want to eat. I don't want to pollute my body and today I will take my stand.

I've felt strong urgings to burn. I've been good so far. Relatively good. Tomorrow, Sunday, D. and I are going to the movies, which we never do fun couple stuff anymore. Probably because I'm such a wreck. I just hope my head is not this chaotic, disorganized, confusing, and haphazard. It is really, really, bothersome. That's probably why there's been the urge to burn; I need something to distract from the pain of having my head pulling me in different directions at the same time.

I agree with Buffet: if we all weren't crazy we'd go insane...and I'd be the first one there.

Bits from the dark side

Still waiting to get the computer fixed. We borrowed the spouse's computer but don't feel it's safe so this will be a sterile entry.

Still in the partial hospitalization program. Probably will scale back next week. Not doing good with the food. We had a good streak where we were sticking with our meal plan, but not so much now. I don't know the reason for the change. According to the dietician, whom I trust, we are still underweight. We recently went to an event where we saw alot of people we haven't seen in probably a couple of years. Everybody said we looked good. That didn't help us much. If they think we look good then what the hell are we doing eating 100% and ALLOWING ourselves to gain weight? Will somebody save me please?

My head is not right tonight. There is a quiet murmuring that is disconcerting. We are trying to buy clothes that are dresses so we don't have to feel the weight and flesh pressing against jeans or pants. At least with dresses they cover a multitude of fat and flesh. So we were trying to find dresses we all liked. One of our teenagers is very specific and vocal about what she will wear. As a result, we got too many dresses and shoes to go with them. Too much money was spent.

I don't care right now. The urge to binge and purge has been faithfully plaguing me every night, so to shut the noise up we went shopping...again. We had been shopping earlier today and then saw a movie at the dollar theater. Technically, I was supposed to be at the hospital, but I've had a horrendous cold so I stayed home. I'm feeling better. Retail therapy does wonders.

Hopefully tomorrow I get my computer fixed. I didn't realize how much I depeneded on it until it was gone. Life is like that.

Hope the blogging community is well.

Where we've been

We've been back in the hospital. When we got out, we turned our computer on and got a virus. We'll be posting again as soon as things settle down in our head and we get our computer fixed. Take care.

Loss for words....

but I'll try anyway.

I'm empty and blank inside and outside. I have no words to say. I've lost a big chunk of time today and have the new clothes and shoes show it. Someone else was out and bought us clothes. I just hate not being present.

It's been a while since I blogged. I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to get back. It's not due to business. Although I'm still in the partial hospitalization program, I'm starting this week to scale back. So instead of being there 10:00 to 7:00, I will hopefully get approval to start leaving at 5:00. This is beneficial in two ways. My healthy side says I can go home and eat dinner with D. The unhealthy, anorexic voice looks at it as a means to go work out, eat a late dinner, and not eat evening snack.

A part of me is ready to leave the program., I just don't know where to go from here. There's only so much I can glean from the groups with is not therapy in any type of way. Therapy does not take place at this hospital. At the most, you meet with your case worker once a week. They are given me extra sessions by an Intern, but I really like her and feel trust with her; however, as I scale back on the time there I don't know how often she will meet with me. I would like to meet with my dietician so I can know if I'm eating to much or not enough.

I've spent my time reading everyone elses blogs. Seems like every one is going through something. Being D.I.D. means there is always something on our radar.

One of my roommates that I got really close to in the hospital has left. I haven't called her. I despise speaking on the phone. A bet a card would be really nice. Everything in life seems like just a horrendous chore.

I did good yesterday. One of my alters was out with my and we made two desserts. Of course we gave them away. CAN NOT have dangerous food in the house. (more on that later) So T. and I made something called a Dump Cake and the second was a fabtabulous, sweet chocolate cake. I got the recipes of f of The Pioneer Woman. Her blog, though not touching on mental health, is very interesting and entertaining. I got a lot of good recipes from her. I have alters that love to cood, which dratstically crashes with the other alters that don't want to eat food, much less the fat and calories that are laden in their diet. As a result, we are letting D. take them to wok so there won't be temptations in the house. Besides, it wasn't about the final product; it was about cooking and releasing the creative juices. It felt fun. We've decide to order the Vegetarian Times magazine. Maybe we'll get some healthy, creative ways to cook without meat.

I feel hungry and that makes me happy. It means we've had a caloric deficit and that usually leads to weight loss. I made it to the gym yesterday but working out was hard. I felt tired, lethargic, and like I couldn't continue. But I make myself. Working out helps me feel clean inside, and erases the dirtiness surrounding me that food seems to cause.

I'm trying to hold my head high. I've put more into my recovery than I ever have before; however, I feel like I've created a house of cards. My recovery is that delicate and easily toppled.

Even though I'm dissociative, most of my parts are pro-recovery as well. However, the troubles from the past and the seeming inability to find work weigh heavy on my mind. I ask around and nobody is hiring. I don't have to work, but it would sure help, not just financially, but emotionally. I need to feel productive and like I am a success at my job.

Well, for being at a lost for words, I feel like I said too much.

Will someone please look for me?

Indulge me. I have no words, feelings, or emotions, so I will have to ramble on and hope that some reaction to life is forthcoming. I feel stuck in this dead zone where I don't have the option to live and I don't have the right to die. It's a pretty miserable condition. I worry for myself. I worry that life will overtake me and consume me. I volunteer that "ideas" have found me tonight, knowing there would be a silence in my soul to exploit. And it fills the silence so beautifully.

I'm not working out, as per the treatment team. It's been two days without exercise, but tomorrow I give in and I'll take myself to the gym. I eat all day in the Partial Hospitalization Program, so working out shouldn't be that big of a deal. Besides, I still wonder if I have an eating disorder. Stupid, isn't it? How far down should my weight drop, how many times must I experience chest pain while working out, and how many times must I listen to the experiences of other ladies before I start taking things seriously? Is this how far I've gotten: letting the eating disorder talk me into believing I don't have a problem?

I've struggled with an eating disorder for over twenty years; how can I reasonably conclude my eating isn't skewed and I do have an eating disorder?

I feel sad, unloved, lonely, and scared.

I know my parts are channeling through me. We purchased a new journal that is way cooler than the one we were using. True, it doesn't have the cool black paper we wanted. but this one is fun too.

I'm feeling a lot of self-loathing. I really want to cut, and just putting it out there makes me want to do it more. It's a last resort when every other coping mechanism is shut down. I would like to see the blood well up from the satisfying division of flesh. It's been almost a month since we've cut. This is a dangerous subject.

Just reiterates that we are hopeless. There will always be another self-destructive ploy, so my eating disorder is stolen by them and all I have is cutting. Can't see beyond the scars. I am blind to what all can be found in life. I'm too scared to test the water. I just might drown.

I keep hoping we'll wake up to life, that we'll have a big epiphany and it will make everything better. Yes. As the littles would say: kiss our boo boos. They deserve better than me. I love them dearly. Even got a mini Teddy Grahams in one of the boxes with a handle. They like those special little things. Sad part is the eating disorder parts won't let them have Teddy Grahams or those Princess Graham Snacks. They loved eating them in residential treatment, but now the eating disorder parts will only let them carry around the box with the handle. It makes my heart sad that fun-loving children are denied food.

Another voice says, "So what. We were denied love by the f-ing parents."

I can't argue with that.

Cooking up a big pot of amnesia..

I'm a little bit unsettled after seeing the movie Bride Wars. It wasn't the movie itself that bothered me; it was that D. insisted I had taken our god-daughters already to see the movie. I went over it back and forth in my mind and felt adamant that I hadn't seen the movie. Even as the movie was being played I tried to see if I could remember a scene here or a scene there.

After the movie I phoned my god-daughters to see if they could remember seeing the movie. C. gave me a play by play of the movie and said I took her and her sister. I remember none of that.

I'm scared.
Week 1 in PHP went fairly well. We begin week 2 tomorrow. I do fine while I'm there. I eat 100% of my meals and snacks. It's when we're not there that causes a problem. Behaviors run unchecked and I act like an ass.

The weekend has been pivotal for myself and my husband, D. It has just been relaxing and we've had some good talks about my D.I.D. and the eating disorder. I've always told people he is supportive and caring. But this weekend he astounded me of how supportive he really is. We were able to talk and let him inside the dark halls in our mind. We openly talked about D.I.D. and what that means for him, me, and us. He helped us at the grocery store when we were going to get a possible binge food and he lovingly and gently asked if I was really sure if I wanted to buy it. He helped me make the decision for myself which was not to buy the food that could set me up for a binge.

This weekend has brought me the satisfaction of cooking. I made a delicious cake and had a little taste. I love to cook; I stopped cooking because it just got to be too much for me. I couldn't make a list of the grocery items I would need and couldn't manage going into the grocery store because I would be completely overwhelmed. I would stare at the apples for fifteen minutes trying to get the one that looked okay to purchase.That's a mild case of the anxiety that hits me up hard every day. Now D. and I go shopping together so it's less anxiety provoking.

I would like to start cooking meals again; now there is no reason to really cook since I won't eat the food. It pains me to see others enjoying their food. The whole time they are eating I study them to find out how come they aren't upset over the calories or that they'll turn into one big mass of fat.

Projection? Maybe. Nevertheless, I envy people who can intuitively eat. My eating has always been disordered: over 20 years. I don't know what it's like to eat food and not obssess over the calories and fat content. I've been chained too long in my eating disorder. I don't know where I went wrong or what I did. I just don't get "it". Makes me very sad.

Sigh and sigh alone

Potential triggers: Read with caution.



I hadn't planned on posting today, but the urge hit me, so here we are. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. Still in PHP. I sigh because things aren't going the way I want for my recovery. We've been doing well up till now when we are starting to be non-compliant. It's baffling, but so is my eating disorder. We were 100% compliant with the meal plan while in-patient; now that we are responsible for evening snack and breakfast we can't seem to get "it" together. Having poor body image sucks. I know others can relate. Life would be so much easier if we could eat healthy but not gain weight. Pardon the pun, but I want my cake and to eat it to. Why can't I have it all? In this case, I can't and that has to be a reality. I must choose recovery and try to get everyone on board with the plan.

So we've noticed weight gain. Clothes fit differently. The hollows of the cheek are now filled in. We aren't as weak and dizzy as we were before. This is preached about as progress. It sure as Hell doesn't feel that way. I don't know where to go from here. If I'm in recovery I need to stop listening to my inner critics. The truth of all truths is that I hate the way my body is shaped. The weight never goes to my chest, but it settles all along my ass, thighs, and hips. I hate it. How can I love something so offensive? How will I every get better?

There are at least two members that have the eating disorder. I would bet money that they are the ones perforating me with negative comments. I can't hate them; they are coping the only way they know how. But I feel the 2 and 1/2 weeks I spent in patient they were more "inside" and they only criticized. Now that we are out and have more freedom, the alters have rebounded and are exerting their influence over our food by restricting. I've tried to talk with them, allow them to use the journal; I don't know what to do anymore.

What can I say? We are a work in progress, and there's no shame in that. Times like these I abhor myself and hate myself for even breathing. I feel like a screw up and can't find anything nice to say to myself. I can't counter the intrusive thoughts. I get angrier at the fact that I've lost time. So many gaps during the day. Pardon the pun...again....but my plate is full, full of hateful words and libel accusations. I hate myself and I don't know why. I want this post to be over with. And so it shall.

Excuse me! I know you how?

Not once, not twice, but three times today did somebody say they knew me and I have no recollection of them. This is quite a disconcerting feeling. Granted, all three ladies were in the same support group for eating disorders, and, according to the three amigos, they say they were all in treatment with me last Spring. I hate this feeling. It's almost like being out of control because you, rather I, don't remember these people from Adam. This isn't the first time it has happened. Several years ago I ran into someone and they asked me how I was doing and to give his or her best to my "parents." Again, I didn't know this man from Adam.

It is one of the worst feelings in the world; it's almost an embarrassment because people remember me but I don't them. It almost seems rude. In any event, I could have met the Pope last Spring and not have remembered. I was struggling so much over my eating disorder that I was never well and didn't have brain cells to remember them.

I have a new but relatable crisis on hand. I'm losing pieces of time. I'm in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) and I find myself not remembering group therapy or not remember if I had my snack or not. I lined up today to go to lunch and was informed that we had lunch five hours before and we were going down to dinner. It's embarrassing and dehumanizing. That's the only way I can describe it.

To make thing at least a little more difficult, there is an alter that has been dominating time outside and I am not sure why this alter is there. Was she chosen? Did she volunteer? I don't have the answers. All I can say is that this alter has made my life in PHP dreadful. Her words get jumbled and tongue tied, She never can relate the point she wants because she loses her thoughts and she can't articulate anything. This has only been a new problem. I don't know who this alter is. I'm trying to get to know her by tuning in to what she's doing and leaving the door open for any communication. I don't know what else to do. I don't hate this alter, but I hate how we look to the outside world, at least my therapy groups. We look ignorant, stupid, and like what we have to say is invaluable. This must be a new alter that hasn't "come out" yet.

We've been doing so good with our meals. Some actually enjoy going to the hospital cafeteria. Seems silly but it puts a smile on my face. So, yes, we've been doing better, at least when we were inpatient. We completed 100% except one snack. Now that we are in PHP, we have to take care of eating breakfast and evening snack. To be honest, we haven't had it in the three days we've been PHP. I am reminded of last year and how miserable we were. I don't ever want to go back there.

I'm too scared to go forward and staying behind in my eating disorder is not an optional. But some of my behaviors act as if it is an option.

My thoughts are starting to crumble. I'm crashing into the calming, wonderful world of sleep meds. The ultimate escape.

Ramblings of an unquiet mind

I've let my friends down. I've let myself down. I've let my members down. I can preach up and down the Mississippi River but none of it matters if I don't head my own advice. The truth is I am non-compliant with my meal plan. Just my evening snack and breakfast is all I am missing, but even that is too much. I did so well in the hospital. I completed 100% every day, every meal, every snack. I didn't have to be supplemented once. But now that I'm in the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), I am responsible for my own snack and breakfast and I've failed miserably to eat it. In fact, my stomach is growling and empty and I like it a lot. Hunger pains are my drug of choice.

Perhaps I am being too hard on myself; maybe not. With an eating disorder there is no margin of error, especially if one is underweight. My dietitian says I am still underweight but I only see myself as being disgusting, fat, and ugly. I can give people in my group all the feedback I can, but if I don't heed my own advice what good has come? I know I'm in the wrong; I know I should eat my snack and breakfast; I know to trust the treatment team. But I hate myself more than is possible. I feel ugly.

I know it's so much easier to focus on the food than the real issues at hand. Out of respect for the readers I will neglect elucidating on my "real issues". I just know I feel fat and, while fat may not be a feeling, it sure as hell feels like one. I can tell I've gained weight and I'm not happy with it. With my clothes not fitting loosely anymore, the mirror reflects a person who isn't happy with herself.

I think a migraine is coming on.

Thanks to all of you who e-mailed me or posted a message on my blog. I genuinely and authentically appreciate it.

Take care to all of you who stop by to read how we are missing in sight.

Back from the looney bin!

Watch out world! We are back home. Yeah, me!



We were inpatient for a little over two weeks. I must admit that it wasn't as bad as I had predicted. The group of ladies I was with are phenomenal. We formed a bond so close that it will continue past our time in treatment.



Any way, it's good to be back home and on the computer. Computers were not allowed on the unit so I couldn't keep in touch with other bloggers. I had almost 300 entries that needed to be read!



So, now what do we do with ourselves? Well, we aren't discharged completely. We are doing a partial hospitalization program (PHP) for at least another week. The structure of the hospital made it possible to get our eating back on track. We were 100% compliant the whole time. I know that should be motivation for praise but it's still hard. This is the closest we've ever come to recovery. It's scary and hopeful all the same. I want recovery to stick this time, but something inside me feels differently. It's always the same old push/pull. Part of me wants to get better, part of me doesn't. But I have to fake it till I make it. I always say "Do the right thing and let your heart catch up later." I have to keep trusting my treatment team to make the right decisions for me and in our best interest. Giving up that control makes it scary as hell. I know some where deep inside that is what we need, but there is always another voice to take it's place.



Well, that's all for now. It's good to be back.

Spies in my midst...and he's on my list

After tonight, it may be a short while before I can post again. Right or wrong, good decision or bad, I have agreed to be checked in to the psycho ward on Friday. I am only going to check myself in for D. He is all up in arms that I'm killing myself, whether it's through starvation or downright suicidal gestures. I love D., and that is the only reason I will humiliate myself and be hospitalized again.

I hate this hospital with a unbridled passion. They antagonize me as my I my defiance frustrates them. I have a mutual love/hate relationship among many of the staff there. This is the same hospital that I tried several weeks ago to do their partial hospitalization program and lasted one day. They just bring out the worst in me. I know it will be a knock-down-drag-out-fight with staff members. They do not inspire me to get better, only to say f*ck off to them. So when the plate of food gets put before me and I'm expected to eat their sh*t ala king, I envision it hurled against the wall.

I'm vegetarian, which complicates matters further with these jerks. My last incarceration there I was to put cheese on my veggie burger to "complete" the protein. I asked if they had soy cheese and I was answered with "What? Are you a vegan or something?" I hold back the anger, reply, "no", and five minutes later I am accosted by the dietitian with the "hate to be the bearer of bad news speech, but we don't do vegans." WTF? You don't DO vegans? This amuses me on so many base, depraved levels from which I'll spare you, except to say that looking at her she probably doesn't "DO" anybody. Whatever. I just didn't care at this point except they were frustrating me because I had just told Ms. Clinical Assistant that I wasn't vegan. But, hey, lucky me. Maybe now, I can be "done!!"

What I also find bothersome is that they don't treat, much less recognize, dissociative identity disorder, and I don't know how you can treat the whole of my being without treating the D.I.D. I don't have the eating disorder. I know two members that do, and unless you are willing to deal knowledgeably and patiently with my alters, the eating disorder will go nowhere and we will bump heads again.

I am petrified to go in. I am already crying because I feel trapped. Part of me knows I need the help. The only reason I"m not exercising 2 hours a day is because I can't get out of bed. It was wonderful taking care of O., my god-daughter, because I could turn my attention to her and helping her recover from her sickness. Now she's better, back home with her family, and I have a gaping hole inside of me because I know if I didn't check myself into the hospital then I would still be pulling the horn on the depression chain I'm riding.

But the hospital feels like a wast of time. I have been checked into this hospital I would guesstimate six to eight times. Their format doesn't work for me. But I'll grin and bear it. Naw, I won't grin. I'll snarl and bear it. I can feel my angry alter raising her hackles already at the thought of going back there. She is very protective of those who are damaged, which includes the two with the eating disorder. You don't want to cross T. She will eat you alive, spit you out, chew you up again, and spit you out twice.

There are spies in my midst. I realize with this blog being public, any Joe Blow can read it and I'm fine with that. I want people to read the blog to see how slow and exponentially painful it is to recover from a dissociative disorder and an eating disorder; however, I feel there was a conspiracy by my therapist to share my blog with other members on my treatment team. I would not have approved others on my treatment team read the postings because they don't know me as well as my therapist and can't judge objectively the rantings, ravings, confessions, and downright incriminations I blather on about. So, with that said, I have spies in my midst and my T. is on my sh*t list.

So this might be it. I'll try to get one more post off before I'm handcuffed, strip searched, and pee into a cup for a drug screen. But I make no promises. I'm getting a full body wax in the morning. That'll give the strip search ladies somthing to talk about.

To all the readers, a quick update. Rebeca is no longer around, but the remainder of us are still around and haven't fallen off the far of the earth.

Bad news has reached us and we find ourselves a personified dillemma. The fork in the road offers no good options and we've become silent as the grave. A member is so depressed she has been tethered to the bed for days and can't even garner the energy to shower or brush teeth.

The world has gone black and we fear the darkness. It's not as hard to say goodbye as I thought.

We'll keep you readers updated.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

The Missing In Sight Theme

The Perishers, featuring Sarah McLauchlan

One may think we're alright
We need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We're not okay

One may think we're doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We're losing ground with every passing day
We're not okay

That's one thing I would never
That's one thing I would never
That's one thing I would never
Say to you.

------------------------------------------------

Music says it best these days. I'm fading out of sight. I am a riddle, a rhyme, a cryptogram. If you can figure me out then you get to keep me. I don't want me, but maybe I'll be a good girl for you and you'll keep me. For now, something is missing and I'm all alone.

I sit with no satifaction. There is no saving what you have forgotten. At least do me the honor of a tear. Maybe someday you'll look up and realize I was really missing. Once I was sacrificed, there was never going back.

Get me out of here. I went willingly but I changed my mind. Once again, the pleas "no" don't mean "no". I ache all over again. I feel it over again. Please, just kill off what they started. We'll close our eyes and no one will ever have to know. Familiar words laced with booze. Fuck them.

I hate this nightmare that confiscates me. The more I try, the less I become.

Something is missing. Children sacrificed. You've forgotten, but I know how unimportant and insignificant we have been. Can't you tell we're gone? Do you even try for me?

I die to know that you could love me. You look at me and I breathe deep, (hoping), but you see right through me because we are missing in sight and it hurts like hell. Please forgive me.

Off my meds = on to a psych ward

So, since I have no psycho-iatrist, I have no meds. Since I have no meds, I am one heartbeat away from being committed to the psycho ward/looney bin/crazy tank. My emotions are all over the range. Sad, content, committed, depressed, excited, hopeless, frantic, ect... I am fighting with D. day and night. Not just verbal fighting but throwing things, explosive outbursts, and an apt to curse him out. Parts of me just can't control it. It builds and builds and builds. Tonight, I took my laptop to the living room to do my computer crap, blog, e-mails, etc... and I'm surprised I didn't hurl my laptop at him.

Instead, I gathered sweet foods in the house, took the carton of ice cream in the bathroom, sat on the floor, ate, and then gave the food to the toilet bowl so it wouldn't be hungry.

It's getting too hard to handle. I don't, don't, don't know if I can make it. Make it to anything or anywhere. My weight continues to slowly decrease. Painfully slow. I wish it would go faster. But never mind that. I had chest pains today. Scared me for the first time because I wasn't working out when they occurred; I was just watching a movie. I find it ironic though that as intense as this relapse is appearing I actually applied for a summer job and have been called in for a mass interview next month. It's at a water park and I would love the job. I spent one summer as a guest at this water park and it was better than going away on vacation. So how cool will it be to work at the water park! I don't know if I'll be in treatment or not, but I'm going to proceed as if I'm not.

I reapplied to my university. I had to withdraw this same time last year because of the eating disorder and I am determined to go back this August. I miss the university setting and I love to learn and read and really want to be a teacher. We have so much to offer our future students, it would be criminal not to finish school and at least try and be a teacher. If it's too stressful, there are other jobs in the school system that would probably suit us just fine.


I came across this quote and found it thought provoking:

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered. ~ Tom Stoppard

I don't know what to think of it, but I wanted to include it in my meaningless post. I guess what strikes me is about how we burn our bridges and have nothing to show for our progress but waste and want. It's a rather cynical take on the human condition and trying to get better. Does recovery mean all or nothing? Maybe it should. Anorexia has to be all or nothing. You can't have a little bit of an eating disorder and relinquish some of it, too.

I love quotes and songs and writings. One of my alters stores our words for us and for the past decade has kidnapped all the words that could adequately convey how we feel inside. Sure, we can say we're sad, but the woman with the words could say it in a way that would take your breath away and MAKE you feel through her use of words exactly how we feel and what we are going through. I know she's still around; what I can't figure out is why she isn't as vocal as she has been in times past.

Words from this alter would be just as helpful as meds would be. Words, whether in books or music, are very therapuetic and can save a soul. But I'm usually too zoned out to focus on the book, which is a fear I have of these postings: that they are random and unfocused and hard to follow.

No matter. Don't sweat the small stuff. I can only hope and pray that we'll gain better ground and be focused soon. We have to by August for school. It feels like this time it's all or nothing.

That's alot of pressure to put on ourselves. Gulp.