The Reveal

Today Husband, my daughter, her brother, and I went to a water park, which meant bathing suit time, which meant The Reveal.

Breakfast this morning was different. I've heard good things about steel cut oats so I decided to try them. I like the oats themselves. They are chewy and a bit grainy. I didn't like the toppings I threw in, such as the soy milk. However, oats and almond butter is always an exceptional choice together.

I felt incredibly self-conscious. I could feel everyone’s eyes boring into me, passing judgment on my hideous form. Still, I tried not to care. I told myself that what everyone thinks of me is none of my business, but the self-talk didn’t last long.

After a long, hot day at the water park, all I wanted was something cool and refreshing. A goat cheese and cucumber sandwich was all the trick, in addition to my salad monster and mango.

Standing in line for the rides, I felt as if I were on display. The crowds come pushing in to take a look, to stake their claim on a good stare at me. I tried to reassure myself that they weren’t staring at my generous scars or my “healthy” body weight. I tried to think of everything else they could be looking at. Maybe they were looking at my flawless fair skin or my awesome tattoos or my highly coveted muscles or my tricked out swimsuit.

But I couldn’t make myself believe it. I know why they were looking at me, and I have no one else to blame.

I was all over my snack tonight. Oikos honey yogurt, and Pumpkin seed and Flax granola. Someone else enjoyed the Oikos, too.

My doggie.

How to cope when you want to act out

The question was asked of me on Formspring what I do to not act out when I’ve eaten something risky. I thought I would address this question here because I’ve heard from many readers who deal with dissociation and also have eating disorders. I believe it is worthwhile to address this here because coping extends not just to eating something risky, but also to other behaviors, such as restricting, bingeing, purging, over-exercise or binge eating.

Crisp, cold watermelon on a hot, humid day equals relief. And a mighty tasty snack. Stick a fork in the watermelon...I'm done.

The worst part for me in trying to not act out is sitting with the uncomfortable feelings. I try to tell myself that even though the feeling is so intense and overwhelming, it won’t last forever. I can handle the pain and anxiety if I know there is an end in sight. If I can ride out the proverbial wave, then I can buy myself time for when I feel more in control.

Husband and I were at a local mall and made the decision to eat there. He steered me to a store called Fresh to Order and it was so, so good. I don't know every thing that was in my sandwich but it was some thing like Kalamata olives, avocado, cucumber, and roasted red peppers. I even could have an apple instead of chips as a side. I normally hate eating out, but I'll make an exception next time for this sandwich.

Another thing I do is tell someone that I’m at risk for acting out. That person can be anyone. I’ve even tweeted before that I wanted to binge and purge. Stating the fact of wanting to act out won’t necessarily make the behaviors go away, but it does take some of the power and sting out of the feelings.

Steamed broccoli, sweet potato with pecans, and fake riblets. Husband bought my littles a Barbie cup and they were tickled pink to use it. It also comes with a bowl they'll use later.

I also utilize a “goody” bag that is filled with activities that help me distract. I do latch hook, Sudoku, crossword puzzles, listen to my iPod, read a book, take a shower or a warm bath, and color. These are things that have helped me.

I got my sixty day chip on Saturday. I’ve been focused and successful in recovery for over sixty days now. I wouldn’t have made this much progress if I didn’t learn that sometimes I just have to sit with the feelings and let them pass through.

Slowly coming back

I do not even know what to write. Silence grips me. I try to speak but only gasps for air come out. I lay down my life with the memories, sensations, and flashbacks luring me back to childhood. I feel eight years old. I feel eleven years old. I feel too much.

Thank you for everyone who e-mailed me or dropped a comment. I’m overwhelmed at your support.

A question has been posed on my Formspring page and I will answer it as soon as I get my words back.