Big Fat Lies

It's been a few years since I've been on here.  Don't really know what I've been up to except teaching high school and going off to treatment.

Tonight I was looking at the very first entry in an incomplete journal book, beginning date of 10-15-2008.  I was in residential treatment at the time.

There was a line written in that entry that I found poignant as I reviewed it.  It read: My eating disorder cares more about me than I do about myself.  

Nine years later, that's probably still true.

On the opposite page of the journal entry, I was responding to the assigned question: If I can't be the weight I want, then . . .

So last night I looked at the "what's", and here is what I discovered and evaluated to see if the fears I hd written have come true because currently, according to my treatment team, I'm at a healthy weight.

At first glance, I was surprised that it didn't seem these fears had come true.  Then I thought and wrote more, and here's what I found.

First fear: 

My first fear of not being anorexic is that I would gain too much weight and lose any self control.  I feel I definitely live in that fear and reality day and night.  We are in a dryer, spinning and tumbling around in our fear with no escape signs or promises of it ever stopping, not matter what weight we are.

Second fear:  The second fears is that if I gained the weight back I would be average, not special, droll, inferior.  Reality or fear?  REALITY.

Other fears that came true were not feeling that sense of emptiness and weightlessness you find when you are skinny.  *I should probably write more on why being empty in invisible is important.*

The fears that didn't necessarily come true but at the same time did not go away are about people caring for me.  I don't really feel cared for, but I can acknowledge that I have made some connections.  Whether they'd grieve if I'd die, I know not.

Another fear I can't write about with authority is the fear that I'll be dirty, fat, and shameful from the abuse. I don't feel as . . . I don't know.  Do I feel dirty since I gained all my weight back?  My first answer is no.  I am truly blank and non descriptive.  I don't carry around any feelings, but others do, and they feel dirty and shameful, but I honestly don't know if weighing 80lbs would put that feeling away.  I think it's worse at being this size because some are more active, but we'll always feel fat, dirty, and ashamed, regardless of our weight.

Help. I've fallen and I can't get up.

It's been a tough week. My depression has gotten worse and my powers of concentration have shot to hell. I haven't been able to keep up with the blogs I subscribe to, nor have I been able to compose a new post of my own till now.

I don't have any pearls of wisdom or sage advice to give. I decided to scroll over my blog and I looked at the section of favorite recovery quotes and it hasn't given me a little hope.

I hate myself right now. It's really hard to love myself. I'm in recovery for anorexia and I've gained weight, which I'm supposed to do, but it isn't easy. I hate the way I look right now. The food obsession has made us go above our target weight and I feel so fat that I can't stand being in my skin. I have no clothes that fit. I tried on five different outfits this morning and they all fit too tightly. I look frumpy and I feel like a failure for that.

On the flip side, I know this is temporary. I must make an attempt to not give in to the negative self-talk and urges to self-harm. I must make a concerted effort to continue to build up self-esteem, and not continuously degrade myself.

I'm putting my hope in a new psychho-iatrist that will hopefully do a better job in managing my meds and in my dietician who has designed a good meal plan for my needs and desires.

I was looking at the recovery quotes I have posted on this blog and it reads, "Sucess is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out."

No matter what we are recovering from, whether it's a dissociative disorder, an eating disorder, bipolar disorder, or any other mental illness, the truth is the same for all of us: there are no quick fixes. Recovery comes only with repeated effort and continual exertion against things that can derail our hard work.

When I was in the hospital this past February, another patient said something about recovery that I will never forget; she said for us to always protect our recovery.

I never looked at recovery as something needing protection. I never looked at recovery as an entity, a creature, or something that exists. When I look at it this way and objectify my recovery, I can then perceive it as something I have or don't have, and I want recovery. I want to have it.

Protecting my recovery means that I have to be patient with myself. I will stumble and fall, but protecting my recovery means that I get back up and continue to try.

Protecting my recovery means being cautious about what types of media I let in my life. If I'm looking at glamour magazines and watching "entertainment" shows that depict skinny girls I'm going to fall flat on my face and lose my recovery. The media images are so distorted against women that my eating disorder will be reactivated.

I'm glad I posted the recovery quotes. They give me hope and, that is definitely what I need right now. So I will fight on. I will not let myself "stay down," but I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue to work on my recovery.

Sigh and sigh alone

Potential triggers: Read with caution.



I hadn't planned on posting today, but the urge hit me, so here we are. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. Still in PHP. I sigh because things aren't going the way I want for my recovery. We've been doing well up till now when we are starting to be non-compliant. It's baffling, but so is my eating disorder. We were 100% compliant with the meal plan while in-patient; now that we are responsible for evening snack and breakfast we can't seem to get "it" together. Having poor body image sucks. I know others can relate. Life would be so much easier if we could eat healthy but not gain weight. Pardon the pun, but I want my cake and to eat it to. Why can't I have it all? In this case, I can't and that has to be a reality. I must choose recovery and try to get everyone on board with the plan.

So we've noticed weight gain. Clothes fit differently. The hollows of the cheek are now filled in. We aren't as weak and dizzy as we were before. This is preached about as progress. It sure as Hell doesn't feel that way. I don't know where to go from here. If I'm in recovery I need to stop listening to my inner critics. The truth of all truths is that I hate the way my body is shaped. The weight never goes to my chest, but it settles all along my ass, thighs, and hips. I hate it. How can I love something so offensive? How will I every get better?

There are at least two members that have the eating disorder. I would bet money that they are the ones perforating me with negative comments. I can't hate them; they are coping the only way they know how. But I feel the 2 and 1/2 weeks I spent in patient they were more "inside" and they only criticized. Now that we are out and have more freedom, the alters have rebounded and are exerting their influence over our food by restricting. I've tried to talk with them, allow them to use the journal; I don't know what to do anymore.

What can I say? We are a work in progress, and there's no shame in that. Times like these I abhor myself and hate myself for even breathing. I feel like a screw up and can't find anything nice to say to myself. I can't counter the intrusive thoughts. I get angrier at the fact that I've lost time. So many gaps during the day. Pardon the pun...again....but my plate is full, full of hateful words and libel accusations. I hate myself and I don't know why. I want this post to be over with. And so it shall.