Music Monday - Vol 3 - James Arthur Recovery

James Arthur - Recovery

James Arthur is a British singer who won the British show  X Factor and fell from grace due to an in appropriate comment he made for which he later apologized.  The song below is more about looking yourself in the mirror: do you like what you see or are you willing to change?  Do you give up or do you try to recover?

Recovery is about sitting down with the truth of ourself and facing the truth about what we are.  We can never recover by running away or ignoring things from our past that bother us.  That's what "Recovery" is all about: sitting down with yourself and coming to terms with what you see.

I take this song personally because when I look at myself and my truth, I don't think I'm always honest with myself, and there are many things in my past that I would like to ignore.  However, if I want TRUE recovery, I am going to have to come to terms with my past.

Partial lyrics to his song are listed below:

I don't wanna play this game no more / I don't wanna play it / I don't wanna stay around here no more / I don't wanna stay here / Like rain on a Monday morning / Like pain that keeps on going

In my recovery / I'm a soldier at war / I have broken down walls / I defined / I designed / My recovery

I love the above verse and how passionately he sings them.  You can just hear the pain dripping from his voice.

I could find no definitive answer on the second stanza listed regarding what it is he "defined" and "designed."  From repeated listening I can only surmise from the intonation of his voice that he is referring to designing his recovery.  My interpretion of these lyrics is that he's become a soldier because he's had to fight and build a recovery for himself and repair his reputation.  He will not be destroyed again by his old self.

As we watch the video, perhaps again,  see if you can determine what he's emoting and how it makes you feel.

It's a simple, stripped, and black and white video that has him in the middle of a circle and the video camera is rotating around him.  What does this basic video add to his message and to his recovery?  I think the simple, encircling aspect of his video highlights how he keeps going round and round and looking at himself in the camera and we do just the same thing by never stopping or looking at ourselves, but if we want to get better, we will have to stare that mirror in the glass and find out what we're made of.

I think because his video is black and white it is symbolic of the truth we discussed earlier.  For the songwriter, it is all or nothing.  It's either recovery or relapse.

What about us?  What if we drown out all the things that get in the way of our recovery?  For me it would be thinspiration pictures or looking online at calories.  It might also be the negative dialogue I tell myself about how worthless I am.  What about you?

I can relate to the idea of building and defining my recovery.   We all have our own path to take and have to build our recovery the best we can.  There is no definitive course that cures us, so we have to define our recovery, face the truth in ourselves, and keep moving forward.

Questions I ask myself: 

Do I truly want to recover?  What does recovery look like?  What does recovery mean and not mean?  What am I willing to sacrifice to work towards recovery?  What will it take to recover?  How can I recover?

I'd like to hear from you.

What are your thoughts on this song?
What are your thoughts on recovery, yours or otherwise?

Friday Feelings - SELF-CARE AND THE HOLIDAYS

Maybelline says, "This road trip is making me tired.  I'll just steal Becca's pillow."

I’d love to hear from you?

Is self-care difficult for you?

Do you do anything special this time of year to help you cope?

I’m too busy; I don’t want to inconvenience anybody; There just aren’t enough hours in the day; My family will hate me; I don't want to be selfish; Others need me more; My boss expects more of me this time of year.

Have you said those words or others regarding practicing self-care?  The list of reasons not to take care of ourselves this holiday season could go on ad infinitum.

While last week we discussed what the basics of self care are, with this holiday season coming up on us, self-care may not seem as much a priority against the plethora of activities surrounding the holidays.

Trying to recover in good times is difficult; add in family, shopping, food , and the overall chaos that ensues and you have all the elements brewing for a possible emotional breakdown.  And you can’t steel yourself against  or talk yourself out of a breakdown.  The only way to avoid an emotional collapse is to make self-care a non-negotiable prerequisite to the eventual stress.  

Twitter user Mana @fallingstar_x tweeted recently, (used with her permission)

• “I'm doing the best I can. Well, we are. Just have to get through the holidays. I can fall apart in January, not before, please not before. I'm struggling so much.”  

In response to a couple of my questions asking why she HAD to hold it together, she tweeted,

• “Because my family has enough to worry about and we're quite busy until after Christmas. I don't want to ruin anything, don't want them to hate me.”

Privately, she wrote to me (also used with her permission):

• During Christmas I always freak out and relapse. Nothing seems to help during that time and I'm really busy finding something I can do when I get overwhelmed, without offending my family . . . “

I would offer that Mana’s response is not uncommon.  

However, I wonder if families would really hate another member if they needed some downtime. I also wonder what we might discover if we stepped back from that thinking and really assessed how our loved ones would react to our taking care of ourselves. What if we asked them?

As for me, when I’m with my family and it gets to be too much, I say eff it and go do my own thing.  If I want to be at my optimum, I have to take care of myself, do things for myself, regardless if it inconveniences them or they disapprove.  That’s just the way it is.

Think of animals.  Of course my dog Maybelline comes to mind.  When I rescued Maybelline from the animal shelter, she was neglected, sad, peeking out from downcast eyes, listless, and with no spunk or enjoyment of life.  Now that I’ve been taking care of her, such as taking her for walks, feeding her, rubbing her belly, and playing with her, she is thriving and returns the love in kind with kisses and snuggles.  

The same is true of you.  If you take care of yourself  and practice self-care, you will put yourself in a better position to be balanced, happy, and engaging for yourself and for those close to you.

It is true, however, that our family, friends, and employers may not understand the concept of self-care.  My thoughts are that their approval is not predicated on whether I take care of myself.  Self-care is not selfish or inconsiderate.  It's for preservation. I am reminded of the quote below:

I laugh, but it’s true.  Self-care not only benefits me, but it improves my relationships with others. I can’t imagine how I would handle the world right now if I didn’t have some “me time.”

So when it comes to your sanity this holiday season, think of the benefits below.  Self care:

• Prevents burnout
• Makes you more energetic because you feel better
• Boosts confidence
• Maintains a healthy relationship with self and others
• Reduces stress
• Helps you refocus

Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do. So if we repeatedly neglect ourselves, we burn out and will probably not be much use to anyone. However, if we repeatedly take care of ourselves, we will be in a position to contribute to the season, to our family and friends, and especially our sanity.

Next week in another addition of Friday Feelings, we’ll explore what to do if we feel we don’t deserve self care.

I’d love to hear from you?

Is self-care difficult for you?

Do you do anything special this time of year to help you cope?

Music Monday - All about RECOVERING! and FORGIVENESS? Vol 2

Welcome to another edition of Music Monday!  I'll be quiet now because I have a lot to say regarding the following song "Praying" by Kesha.  

Side note:   I don't know why it turned my background white.  All words are my own except when directly quoted.

I'd also love to hear from you.

What songs are you relating to right now?
How do you feel about forgiveness for those whom have hurt you?
What are you struggling with right now?

Kesha - "Praying"

While watching the video and reading the accompanying lyrics, I was all torn up and mentally chaotic. Breaking down and analyzing this song caused me to face my own ideas about recovery and forgiveness.  

"Praying" relates to the bitter legal feud Kesha had with her producer “Dr. Luke” and Sony Records over her claim of manipulation, along with mental, physical, emotional, and sexual assualt at the hands of Dr. Luke.  For four years, she was unable to produce new music until circumstances changed recently, unconnected with the law suit, but which allowed her to put out music again.  

I found myself vacillating over whether I liked or hated this song because I don’t necessarily agree with the totality of the song's premise or message.  But I don’t want  to only share with you my choices and my beliefs.  I trust you, the reader and listener, can do your own thinking and decide on the  message and the impact this song has on you. I definitely would love to get your reaction. The video is below, and afterwards I break down the lyrics and offer my analysis.

Partial lyrics to her song are listed below.

Well, you almost had me fooled / Told me that I was nothing without you

I begin with embracing her thoughts about almost being fooled.  Don’t we grow up with our abuser(s) lying to us, telling us to keep quiet about what’s happening because no one would believe us anyway?  But Kesha doesn’t fall for it when she says, “You almost had me fooled.”  

Oh, but after everything you've done / I can thank you for how strong I have become

Here comes my reluctance to accept her lyrics regarding thanking her abuser for how strong she’s become.  It’ is MY PERSONAL BELIEF that I don’t owe a thank you to any of my abusers.  Fuck them.  Plain and simple.  I was born strong.  THAT is how I’m still alive, not because of anyone else.

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell / I had to learn how to fight for myself / And we both know all the truth I could tell / I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"

Other than her politelness in “I wish you farewell” where I would have said “Get the fuck out of my life”, I can relate to these lyrics on the level where tells him that her hell is his fault, but she is stronger than he is because she learned to fight for herself.

On a personaI note, I believe we can fight for ourselves.  I don’t need an apology from an abuser to make me feel better, bring me peace, or provide closure for me.  I can fight my own battles, and a contrived apology doesn’t count.

Kesha also writes, “And we both know all the truth I could tell.”  Because she says this before she bids him goodbye, it almost seems to me that this is part of her letting it go, forgiving him and wishing him peace.  I believe she is saying, "I’m not going to rehash it anymore; I’m done with it.  I’m moving on."  

This sentiment of Kesha’s possible forgiveness works nicely into the next lines when she writes,”

Cause I can make it on my own / And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known / I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh / When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

Again, I can make it on my with my strength.  And I suspect she’s saying regarding bringing thunder and rain that this is a metaphor for her power. Perhaps she is saying she has the power to bring him down.

And after all this empowerment, she fails and writes what is below,

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin' /  I hope your soul is changin', changin' / I hope you find your peace /  Falling on your knees, prayin'

Alot of survivors would debate me on the issue of forgiveness, and that is okay.  Each to his own.  Some feel forgiveness is necessary to move on, some say not so much.  I side with the “not so much.”  I don’t feel forgiveness is necessary to heal.  How can you forgive something or someone that stole your life, your potential.  

I can already hear others telling me forgiveness is about you, not about the other person.  I can understand this line of thinking and even agree to some extent.  However, my convictions on forgiveness are not in line with that.  So when Kesha is singing,” I hope your soul is changin’, changin’, / I hope you find your peace”, I just want to scream, “Oh, hell no!”  While I wouldn’t want my abusers to hurt others, I want them to stay the same evil people they are; I don't wanting them finding peace because they don't deserve it. I haven't even found peace, why should they. In addition, my feelings are partly due to reactions I have that if they did change and repent, I might feel obligated to forgive them, and that’s not something I want to deal with.

Kesha has said in an open letter on LennyLetter.com that “this song is about coming to feel empathy for someone else even if they hurt you or scare you.” Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.  No way will I try to understand the evil of an abuser.

On a positive not, Kesha has found inside her the ability to fight her way out of her depression and mental anguish.  She has been through something anguishing and come out the other side, and, as she has said, has found her strength.

While I do have issues with some of her message, I also find it inspirational because there are still issues in my life to overcome and when I see others rising above their personal demons, it makes me think that maybe I can too.

I'd also love to hear from you.

What songs are you relating to right now?
How do you feel about forgiveness for those whom have hurt you?
What are you struggling with right now?

INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC MONDAY!! POST 1

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Maybelline hogging my heated plush throw.  Silly girl.  

Are you ready for some inspiration?

Welcome to the first Music Monday!  As I wrote in my last post found here,  I have dedicated Monday to music.  For today's Music Monday, I have 3 incredible songs that I hope will inspire you to keep working and  fighting in your recovery.  I've scoured songs from multi-genres and discovered music that I trust will speak to the feelings and thoughts of  men and women dealing with the scourge of mental illness.  Some of the songs you may like, some you may dislike.  I've chosen up-tempo songs as well as songs with slower beats.  I've tried to be as inclusive as possible.

I also encourage you to tweet at @missinginsight,  email at missinginsight@gmail.com, or leave a comment on what songs inspire you so that I may include them in my posts.

As you read and listen, please consider if the music speaks to you and how it relates to you.

1) The first song is "Fly" by Hilary Duff. I remember coming home from Therapist one day, hearing this song on the radio, and I was so inspired to really start trying to get better.  The lyrics I like best are:

All of your worries, leave them somewhere else/Find a dream you can follow/Reach for something when there's nothing left/And the world's feeling hollow/Open the part of you that wants to hide away/You can shine/ Forget about the reasons why you can't inside/ And start to try/Cause it's your time/Time to fly

This song is such an inspiration to me because of its message of trying when you are struggling, forgetting the reasons that you made you feel hopeless, and always trying, always keep moving forward no matter how hard the struggle is to fight off the demons in our head.


2)  The second song that I think represents recovery well is "Alive" by Sia.  It's speaks to the writer  feeling he or she had been hurt for way too long, and is exacting revenge on those who hurt her by getting better.





The lyrics that really speak to me:

I grew up overnight/I played alone/I survived/I had a one way ticket to where all the demons go/and you're taught to cry in your pillow/but I survived/I'm still breathing/I'm still breathing/I'm alive.

This song is usually on repeat because I feel Sia is singing to me.  I've always felt hopeless, all the way back to childhood, and this song is like a slap in the face to my abusers because they tried to break me, but guess what, I'm still here, trying to fight, trying to stay alive.

3)  This song is a recent find.  It's called "The Silver Lining" by First Aid Kit.  I like it because, not only is it uptempo, which I like in inspirational songs, but the lyrics are like poetry set to music.






There are so many relatable lyrics in this song that it is hard to find just a few that I love, but these are ones definitely worth listing.

I don't know if I'm afraid of dying, but I'm scared of living too fast, too slow/Regret, remorse, oh, no, I've got to go/And you've just gotta keep on keeping on/and you've just gotta keep on going straight down the road/I won't take the easy road/the easy road, the easy road/I hear a voice calling out to me/The shackles I've made in an attempt to be free/Be it for reason, be it for love/I won't take the easy road/show me my silver lining

Wow!  I love these words along with the beat and their voices.  I love how the songwriter is saying she  won't have regret or remorse because these things are holding her back and she has to keep on moving ahead or she won't make progress.  Also, personally, I've always tried to take the easy road in recovery by avoiding things that I don't want to confront.  I often still do.  But this song gives me hope that I need to keep on keeping on even if the road to recovery is difficult.  And it always is.

She also mentions how in an attempt to be free, she's made her own shackles.  I'm not sure what the songwriter is saying, but my best interpretation is that she might have made these shackles to make sure things weren't easy and to insure she isn't taking the easy road.  This way she can keep on keeping on.

- - - - - - - - -
Even though I feel hopeless often, these songs are reminders of how we must keep trying, we must find reasons to fight,  we must stay in the fight and not waste our energy on those who hurt us, but show them we are better than them.  We can rise above.

• What are your thoughts on the music?
• Do any of the songs speak to you?
• What songs help you in recover?

Stay tuned for Wednesday Wisdom!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE BIG CHANGES?!!

Maybelline loves this heated plush throw I bought, and she has been hunkered down in my arms to share it with me.

Winds of Change

I’ve decided to make some changes to the blog.  First off, every Monday will be considered “Music Monday”, and I will give three songs that I feel have some commentary on recovery.  I will draw from all types of music, country, rap, R & B, pop; nothing is off limits.  I will also add why I chose that song and why it’s relavant to my recovery at that time.  It’s my hope that you will send me your own favorites or music that speaks to you, so we can all share what motivates us to get better.

Secondly, the next blog that will have a specific topic will be on Wednesdays and will be called “Wednesday Wisdom” in where I will find a quote to discuss and relate how it pertains to me or my reaction to it.  A lot of my quotes will center around recovery and where I am in relationship to it.  You can help also by giving your favorite quote, and I will be happy to work it into a blog.

Lastly, Fridays will be called “Friday Feels” where I will hand out 3-5 self-care tips to help us take care of our selfves, or at least entertain the idea that that is something we need to do.  Again, the community can be a tremendous asset in sharing what helps you, and might also be featured in an upcoming blog.

Why?  

I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot, and it’s really just become a dumping ground for whatever is going wrong in that moment in my life.  You don’t need to read that.  You already have crap-storms of your own to deal with.  As a result, I wanted to put more of a positive focus on this blog, a place you can come to for answers, commiseration, or relatably.  I greatly encourage your participation and interaction because that is truly what makes the community focus itself, reach for higher goals, and get better.

Speaking of getting better

I can not stress how much lately I don’t want to get better.  I’ve even mentioned it in a couple of my recent blogs.  So this is a big step for my transforming my blog to something more recovery focused.  Getting better, or even the appearance of improvement, creates a resurgence of bold insecurity and fear of change.  On this blog, I’ll be trying to keep a positive tone, so staying focused on recovery will be my challenge.

I’m only human

As was just mentioned, this blog will now become a blog of positivity and will be recovery-focused instead of a dumping ground for everything going wrong.  But that dumping ground is where I’ve always felt safe, so I can tell you now we might have some starts and stops at the beginning.  Tonight’s post just about the changes upcoming was made on some heavy medication because I was having a dissociative break.    So please bear with me.  

Somethings will stay the same. I will always put my dog Maybeline at the beginning of the post since she is the beginning of my world. What will also stay the same is I will never B.S. about how I am. I will not write a positive blog post when in reality I'm self-harming or engaged in other maladaptive behaviors. I will always tell you what's going on. I don't expect perfection from anyone.

Despite my trepidation, I am very much looking forward to exploring music tomorrow, Monday, and how the songs I choose impact my recovery.  Remember, you are part of this journey.  Share your recovery songs also.

Until then. . .

This quote is for all of us, especially me as I embark on undertaking a more positive, recovery-focused blog.

Long Run Ramblings

This post is a couple of days late, but it’s still time for some long run ramblings on recovery.

To see other ways recovery is like running a marathon, look at 1/2 Marathon Musings and The Marathon of Recovery.

This past long run on Sunday, I was reflecting on how hitting a stride or pace in running is similar to hitting a stride in recovery.  When I go out for a long run, it takes me 3-5 miles before I actually hit my stride, get into a comfortable pace, and “sit” back and enjoy the run.  When I first start out running, it usually feels miserable.  My legs rebel, my lungs don’t want to cooperate, and everything inside of me is telling me to turn around and go to Dunkin Donuts go home. 

But I don’t give in or take the easy way out.   I push through.   I know that after my warm up and get into my run a few miles I will feel better and even enjoy the run.

I’ve found recovery to be similar. Sometimes you have to push through the uncomfortableness of the beginning of recovery to hit your stride. 

 I’ve been in varying stages and degrees of recovery before, and there’s one thing I’ve always noticed: taking that first step, getting help, and starting out is the hardest move. But once you’ve made step after step, mile after mile in recovery, it tends to get easier.  Once you start opening yourself up to the process of following a meal plan, restoring yourself to a healthy weight, and working on the issues that brought you to your eating disorder, recovery starts to get better.  After you’ve done your warm up and found your stride in recovery, the steps it takes to get healthy become second nature and less antagonistic.

Along the same lines, it’s true that in the marathon of recovery, we might tire out along the way, “hit the wall”, and stop, also known as relapse.  This “stop” in recovery reminds me of a real stop I make during my long runs.  There happens to be a McDonalds off the trail somewhere around the half way mark, and I stop in there to fill up my hydration belt and sneak a little free Coke Zero.  The stop feels great!  I’m out of the heat, I’m not pushing myself, I’m refreshing myself with ice water, and I have a brief rest period.  But when I start the second half of my running, my body again doesn’t want to listen to me and demands that I stop. Still, I push through, though it takes some time again before I find my groove in running. 

A relapse in recovery is no different. If we stop taking the steps and the miles we took in the beginning of recovery to start getting healthy, we are not going to want to start again.  It is going to be that much harder to take the first step and find our running legs again.  Our body, our ED, will rebel , making a run for recovery difficult.

 So give yourself a chance to hit your stride in recovery, to get better.  And once you do, don’t slow down, don’t stop.  Continue in your groove.  Keep going.  If you take it step by step, mile by mile, your marathon of recovery will be successful.  

Life in the stress lane

First things first, I didn’t post yesterday, but got in a tough 8.5 mile run, with a 1 mile warm-up.  When I finished my run, I decided to walk up the trail to the shopping center at the top of the hill where an Atlanta Bread Company lays waiting for me with an iced coffee.  It is a 2 mile walk round trip. 

The iced coffee wasn’t as good as Dunkin Donuts (sorry I cheated on you, DD), but I did find where they are putting in a new fro-yo store.  Score, big time!

Today before my run, Husband met me at the trail and we had a 30 minute walk.  I’m trying to get him more active and he agreed to do a run/walk 5k with me in October.  I’m hoping a little exercise will improve the deep depression that has kidnapped him right now.  Towards the beginning of the trail, we noticed a man flat on the ground with a pack of EMTs around him.  We heard the sirens of the ambulance on the way.  As everyone was giving the firefighters space to work on the downed man, we were all talking about how important hydrating ourselves is.  This occurrence happened at 8:30 in the morning when it was only 73 degrees out, but high humidity. 

So, my PSA today is to keep yourselves hydrated before, during, and after your run. 

After our walk, I had a 4 mile recovery run.  I wanted to get some mileage in today, but didn’t want to push it too much because my long run is tomorrow.  I’m really looking forward to it.

I haven’t written in a few days because things in my life are a little . . . um . . . anxiety filled.  I’ve not a shred of creativity and my brain feels depleted.  I have things to write about, but when I sit down to type it out, the words escape me.

One of the biggest struggles I perceive in my life right now is Husband.  He just finished his 12 rounds of ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy).  While, for a time I noticed a slight improvement in his mood, the last couple of days he has been extremely depressed and anxious and fearful.  The effects of the ECT treatments have stressed not only him, but me as well, because I feel like I’m living with a child.  His short term memory is fried, and he can’t remember answers to questions he asked me just five minutes prior. I am taking care of affairs that normally would fall to him and that he previously coped with better. He says he doesn’t feel like himself.  He worries he will never be the same.  I feel helpless.

I don’t know how to help him.  We considered him returning to the hospital this weekend for inpatient treatment, but decided against it, since he sees his psychiatrist on Monday who can make a recommendation as to where to go from here with his treatment.  They’ve restarted him on his anti-depressant, but that takes weeks to kick in.  So it’s really hard to be positive right now.  I can’t handle my own anxiety, much less help him with his. 

On a better note, last night as I was running early to my appointment with Dietician (major epic fail session.), I noticed a sign for a bookstore in a shopping center.  I <3 books, so I HAD to stop!   When I walked in the bookstore, I saw that it was a new and USED bookstore, so my inner Book Snob immediately was judgmental at the thought of used books.    But we looked around anyway and found our way to the Young Adult section.  Surprisingly, most of the used books were in amazingly good condition and were 50% off the book price!  Major score!  Being tight on money, even in a used book store, we could only buy one book, so we found a book by Laurie Halse Anderson titled Prom.  Though it’s not War and Peace or The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, it’s a really good, easy read and one I know my female students will like.  My collection of loaner books for my students is growing larger, and I’m really stoked about having so many choices to offer them. 

Lastly, as I was leaving the store, I noticed some chairs and tables lining the walkway outside the strip mall. They belonged to a store called Menchie’s, another fro-yo store!  I went inside and they had all the amazing flavors and toppings that will do my fro-yo addiction proud.  Score, again!

So, even though I’m living life in the stress lane, I’ve had some good runs, took Husband on a walk, found two new fro-yo stores, and an up-scale used bookstore. 

Not bad for someone hanging on by a thread.    

More than just another race

Tomorrow I run the Peachtree Road Race, the world’s largest 10k, and, frankly, I am terrified. 

Wouldn’t you be?  Look at all those people!

I’m not scared of the 6.2 miles; I’m scared of the unknown.  Even though I’ve read all the Atlanta Track Club e-mails, studied the start and finish maps, examined photos of previous races, rode the MARTA system, and did a practice run on the course, I still have no idea what I’m doing or what to expect.   

Six months ago, my fear of the unknown would have precluded me from signing up for the race.  I never would have had the audacity to dream of running the Peachtree Road Race.  Me?  Driving the highways of Atlanta to a public rail station?  Navigating the underbelly of Atlanta’s rail system?  Fighting my way through a crowd of 60,000 runners, plus 150,000 family, friends, and onlookers?  Not me.  I run shy away from the unfamiliar.

So if I’m such a scaredy cat, why run this race?  What makes this race so special? 

• Is it because of the 42,500 ripe, refreshing, sweet Georgia peaches asking for me at the finish line? 

• Is it because of the highly coveted Peachtree Road Race t-shirt that runners would sell their children for?

Tempting, but no.

• ·       Or maybe it’s because I get to wait in line with tens of thousands of people who have to pee and take care of the common runner’s GI issues? 

• Maybe it's because of the unconscionable hot, humid, muggy, intense Georgia weather for which I want to risk heatstroke?

No. Not that either.  Although it certainly adds to the appeal.  But this race means more than that.

This race is a defining moment for me.

This race is either the beast that I will tame, or that will eat me alive. 

This race means more than my Reeboks plowing across the finish line. 

• It means breaking out of my comfort zone and putting me in an uncomfortable situation. 
• It means the unknown.
• It means surrounding me with a crowd I can’t control.
• It means “running” toward the healthy, fulfilling life I want to live; free of an eating disorder and dissociative symptoms.
• It means taking a risk, taking a chance, and not hiding from life anymore. 
• It means ripping me out of my comfort zone.
• It means all that and more.  

Mostly it means progress, and, even though I’m afraid of that too, these are risks I have to take to get better.

I’m ready for it.  So I’m putting it all on the start line tomorrow.  At 7:45, in Corral D, when the gun goes off, I’m proving to myself I can tolerate new, unfamiliar situations.  I’m proving I can succeed in places that normally I would run from.  I’m proving that my fears don’t have to dictate my life.  I’m proving I can do what “normal” people do. 

I saw a t-shirt at the Peachtree Expo from www.onemoremile.net that said (I paraphrase), It’s not that I finished the race, it’s that I started. 

Bring it on, beastie!

You're worth the effort. You're worth the battle.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“You’re worth the effort. You’re worth the battle.” Keep reading to find out who said that and why.

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Needing some inspiration today after having such a bad day yesterday, I looked up the definition of hope and this is what I found:

• To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment. (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Hope)
• To cherish a desire with anticipation; trust (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hope)
• The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hope)

Lately, even when I've been at my darkest and most desperate, I know that it doesn't have to last forever. I know that, as Julia Roberts says in Steel Magnolias, “There are still good times to be had.” And I always remind myself of what Colleen Dewhurst says in Anne of Green Gables, “Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.” Each tomorrow can be a do over of today. And that is what I HOPED for yesterday: that today had the potential to be better.

And I can say as of this moment I haven’t struggled as much as I did yesterday. And that is for what I had hoped.

I’m still under the weather with the flu. No more fever, but my glands and throat still hurt, and whatever has invaded my body has decided to journey to my chest, causing me to wake the dead with my hacking. I’m still taking the Emergen-C and Benadryl and am impatiently waiting for the bug to run its course.

To add to the fun, I had an epidural this morning for my reoccurring back pain that I briefly mention here and here. It took the doctor several tries to get the needle in my back because I couldn’t stop coughing and sneezing. Good times.

Because of the epidural, I can’t run or work out today, not that I feel like it anyway. But being this inactive makes me feel so icky and gross. I feel very unhealthy right now, and I’m not used to that feeling. Without exercise and running, I feel psychologically dirty and unclean. In addition, I feel I’ve gained five pounds from lounging on the couch all day. Some would argue these are just mental distortions, and maybe they are, but they seem so real to me it’s extremely painful.

But I’ve had time to finish Catcher in the Rye (hope I never have to teach that to my students. The book has excellent literary devices, but I hate Holden Caufield) and started Water for Elephants.

Of special note, No More Bacon posted a blog today that really filled me with hope and positivity again. His words augmented me with motivation to know that I will get over the flu, I will run again, I will run a marathon, I will conquer my demons, I will . . . etc. He relates one of his personal struggles and how he overcame it. I suggest everyone run and read it. It made me cry, and I really wasn’t expecting that from a blog.

And with that I know I may be in the gutter right now, but his post made me want to look at the stars. . . again.