From 0 to 60

It's a painfully slow post. It's been brewing for days but, understandably, never comes to fruition. For most of the week I've been blank. Blank as in blank. Lifeless. Disconnected. Empty. Deserted. Abandoned. Meaningless.

When I tried to explain this to Therapist yesterday he didn't get it. I grappled for words. I felt inside prison walls that I just wanted to escape. (Thank you Victoria for these words.) I don't know what can be more hellacious than being blank. You feel worthless, like an outsider.

Therapist thinks being blank is another way to avoid discussing the painful details of my life. I have to agree; it just make so much sense. We are trying to be aware when we are avoiding circumstance and we really want to break the pattern, but I don't know how to get out of the blankness.

But no matter, today they pulled me out of the blankness. We went from 0 to 60, from blank to depressed and bothered in the blink of an eye. Seemed that since they were all so silent this week they had to bombard me this morning with switching and constant twirling thoughts. Nothing that brings me refuge.

So it's raining in Georgia and I haven't found a good reason to get out of bed. I realize Randy, if you're reading this, that I'm just avoiding. What I'm avoiding I don't know. Life seems too hard today to do anything but hide under the covers or watch Captain Jack Sparrow. I know this will pass. I need to privately journal with my members and find out what's going on. Easier said than done when they don't communicate back.

On the one bright spot, I filled out an on-line application for a seasonal summer job for which I've been hoping to get. Just to fill out the application was an accomplishment. I hate applying for jobs. They ask about dates of employment, supervisors' names, job duties. All the stuff I can't remember. Does anyone else have trouble with this? Well, I'm trying to keep this positive, as positive as I can be glued to the bed.

Well, despite the obstacles, I applied for a job. Yeah, us!

Waking up to the dark

I don't know what to write; I just feel I need to write something.

There's not much in here to inspire; just an account of where we've been physically and emotionally. I have no advice to give today, nor a response from a mediation I read. It's just me, we, the bare bones of us.

It feels like we're figuratively waking up to the dark. We can't make sense of time. The days have slipped past us and we haven't been able to hang on to them. The darkness has won.

We've been quiet on the blog, but not quiet in our head. My members have been giving me information about the abuse, the perps, and about each other. I swear it's make me believe I'm headed for a breakdown. I really have missed the support that I get on-line, because I don't get it in my 3-d life. I go to my groups, (usually) but there is something lacking. Maybe it's because there is an expecation to rely on each other and be more personal, but personal I can't be. I feel I'm more real with my "on-line life" than I am in my real life. I get more comfort from people I don't know than the ones I do know.

Strange how that works. I suppose someone would say it should be the other way; I would say I'm taking baby steps. And being on-line are my baby steps.

We've actually got a dietician now. Even though I think the meal plan is too much and I've been skimming off certain sections, it's still fantabulous that I have someone to take the guess work out of what I should be eating. When the dietician at the hospital left me high and dry because she didn't want to work with me I was devastated. I didn't know where I was with my weight and what I should eat and how much. I ended up overcompensating and gained too much weight, which has set me up for restriction all over again. But now that I have a dietician I can almost relax about my eating.

I love my tattoo, but my husband, D., hates it. I want more, he wants this one lasered off. I tell him to fuck off; there are things about his body I don't like but I don't tell him what to do with it, so who is he to tell me what to do with my body? I will grant him that I probably won't get another one on my arm. But I want a vine of forget-me-nots on my ankle and a lotus flower on my lower right abdomen. I don't want any more piercings, so he's safe on that front.

I'm babbling; I know.

I've been taking my god-daughters and their brother swimming. It's been really nice, at least for me. M., the brother, is nine years old and can swim really good. He stays at the deep end of the pool and jumps off the low and high dive. He can dive and do flips off the board. I can dive, but I'm too chicken to do flips. Mostly I just lay in my lounge chair, covered in sun-screen, soaking up the rays, and reading my magazines.

I love laying in the sun. I'm extremely fair skinned so even fifteen minutes in the sun without sun protection will fry me to a crisp, so I usually over kill the sun screen. I still get a little burnt with only staying out 2 1/2 hours. It's so relaxing, though.

I'm still looking for work. I've put an application in at one place and I'm really hoping they call me for an interview. There are few places I can work. The stress of a job makes me delibilated, so I try to find low-stress, part-time jobs.

School at my university starts up in August and I am so excited. We have a member that does most of the school work and she is anticipating reading books and writing papers.

Next week we travel to Charleston, South Carolina with our two god-daughters. We'll be there five days and I'll be taking lots of pics with the camera. We'll have free wi-fi so I'll be able to upload the photos and share them with everyone.

That's it for now. It's good to be blogging again.