From 0 to 60

It's a painfully slow post. It's been brewing for days but, understandably, never comes to fruition. For most of the week I've been blank. Blank as in blank. Lifeless. Disconnected. Empty. Deserted. Abandoned. Meaningless.

When I tried to explain this to Therapist yesterday he didn't get it. I grappled for words. I felt inside prison walls that I just wanted to escape. (Thank you Victoria for these words.) I don't know what can be more hellacious than being blank. You feel worthless, like an outsider.

Therapist thinks being blank is another way to avoid discussing the painful details of my life. I have to agree; it just make so much sense. We are trying to be aware when we are avoiding circumstance and we really want to break the pattern, but I don't know how to get out of the blankness.

But no matter, today they pulled me out of the blankness. We went from 0 to 60, from blank to depressed and bothered in the blink of an eye. Seemed that since they were all so silent this week they had to bombard me this morning with switching and constant twirling thoughts. Nothing that brings me refuge.

So it's raining in Georgia and I haven't found a good reason to get out of bed. I realize Randy, if you're reading this, that I'm just avoiding. What I'm avoiding I don't know. Life seems too hard today to do anything but hide under the covers or watch Captain Jack Sparrow. I know this will pass. I need to privately journal with my members and find out what's going on. Easier said than done when they don't communicate back.

On the one bright spot, I filled out an on-line application for a seasonal summer job for which I've been hoping to get. Just to fill out the application was an accomplishment. I hate applying for jobs. They ask about dates of employment, supervisors' names, job duties. All the stuff I can't remember. Does anyone else have trouble with this? Well, I'm trying to keep this positive, as positive as I can be glued to the bed.

Well, despite the obstacles, I applied for a job. Yeah, us!

Dueling emotions

I'm not well. I'm in a terminal bad mood. I can't wiggle out of it. It has cornered me all day.


The thing is, I'm angry and sad. I don't know how I can be both at the same time. I know I would feel better if I could just have a good cry but authentic feelings escape me. I'm not in charge of feelings. I'm living on borrowed time, borrowed memories, borrowed emotions. There's nothing organic about me. If I feel happy it's b/c someone inside feels happy; if I feel depressed, it's b/c someone inside feels depressed. I'm just a shell. I'm a big, fat blank.

Even my words sometimes are not my own. I'll be speaking and hear someone else's words come out. I never know the source.


Establishing internal communication has been difficult. I don't know who I am from one minute to the next. I wrote a letter to my members about how I'm scared of them. I apologized and stated all my reasons for being afraid: I don't want to lose control, I'm afraid I won't recover, I'm afraid of their pain.

I don't want to be afraid of them. I want to want to get to know them. Everyone says to just keep trying. Keep talking to them. Keep treating them as a friend, someone you literally have to get to know. It's so damn hard. I am so empty.

I feel like I'm treated like a child. I'm one of them, can't they see that. I feel alone in my system, like nobody likes me. Inside feels like a very unsafe to be.

I feel like I'm banging my head on a wall. All I want to do is cry, cry, cry.