Surrender

My words fail me, like every other part of me does.

I wish I could, but I can not. 

 I want to quit, cease to exist, give up, but there is something in me that makes me keep going, 

No matter how low I go, I can not let go. 

I wish this part of me to die.  I would like to enjoy giving up.

All arrows point to how worthless I am.  Clearly there is something in me missing, something deficient.  It’s hard to live always sub-standard.  

Others can accomplish what I can not.  And all I want to do is let go.

Maybe one day I will show them.  Maybe I will not be as strong as they assume.  Maybe I will break instead of constantly bending.  I’m certainly due.

I’m so tired at every turn.  Exhausted.

I can not imagine how this will be worth it.  

I can not imagine anything other than letting go. 

I can not imagine any other way out.

They will treat this, I know, as a fever in my head, coming and going, but it is not.

And I know they’ll never know, and that is the saddest thing to ever know.   

But I know, and that’s all I need to know.